SarahsViews Blog

Happy Birthday To Me… Happy Birthday To Me???

Joy oh Joy… the joyous gifts that we as women are given on our birthdays… You know what birthday I mean, correct, the one that start the next cycle of our lives… oh what a fun journey this next cycle will be… Humph!!!

I guess using the term, gift and cycle in the same paragraph is miss leading, on this birthday, my cycle decided to give me a little more than normal, it decided to hang around awhile, hmmm, I muttered to myself… well that is odd, haven’t had this issue before, in the back of my mind, I was in denial as to what this could potentially mean, perhaps, I am just having an odd month, you know, lots of stress, maybe not enough exercise or better yet, I decided it was from not enough sex… determining this to be the case, I made mental note to attack my other half upon the moment he entered the door when he came home… that would fix this extra birthday gift and make it go away…

After repeatedly using this approach, one evening, while dozing, I began to notice that the room had become extremely…shall we say… a freaking blazing inferno….oh my freaking god… Please get this sea of blankets off of me know… I struggle to get my leg out of the blanket all while managing to piss off our cat at the foot of the bed, begrudgingly, he spat at me, showing me his annoyance and he moved over to my husbands side of the bed, what the hell… did we leave the heat on ultra high before going to bed earlier, I struggled to remember, no, I know we didn’t, wow…one let out is not going to do the trick, I wondered what I was thinking when I wore a tee shirt and sleeping bottoms, they were now stuck to me, a bit damp I was… second leg out… what is that trickling between my breast is that water??? Did the cat piss on me because I woke him up… now struggling to fully waken myself, I see the fur ball snuggled close to my husband, he has not pissed on me, why am I wet??? Crap… I am freaking burning up, my hair is damp… I toss all the covers fully off of me, throwing them onto my husband, I am sure I have fever and to have one this high, I must be close to death… surely there is no other reason to be this warm… do I have food poisoning??? Why am I sweating… crap… I began to realize I am cold… damn, give me those covers back and I want them now… I grab them off my husband and take a few of his at the same time… I prepare myself for a bad case of the flue tomorrow morning, because I know to have this type of fever, means that I will be hugging the porcelain bowl and not want to be far from it, I am sure of this… I doze and go back to a sound sleep, when I wake, I am fine, other than when I went to bed, I had straight hair and in my rage of sweat, I must have gotten my hair wet and it is now curly and fuzzy… nice, what a beauty I am as I look in the mirror… funny though I don’t feel sick…

It was 3 nights later, I repeated this pattern and after a few more weeks of the on and off switch with my body’s thermostat, I began to self diagnose, because somewhere in the back of my mind… a little voice was saying… you know, that was a very significant number you just hit on your birthday… right???

About 2 months later as I was at work, I was talking to a co worker, while sitting at my desk, I began to notice that I was starting to get hot, the hair on the back of my neck felt like a heavy wool coat!!! I looked at my co worker as I began to feel like perspiration on my upper lip… I asked him the only thing I could think of… is it HOT in here…. Or it is just me??? He looks at me and says nope, it is actually a bit cool in here today… Damn… I was so afraid that is what he would say… shall we say going forward, for the next 2 months, I learned to dress in layers in the dead of winter and a pony tail became my hair style of choice, I began to understand why so many women as they got older chose short hair… I began to wonder if maybe, just maybe I could possibly, you know.. Me entering.. that M stage of my life… This would require research…

With Google as a girl’s best friend and my husband asleep, I crept to our home office and plugged in the M word in search bar… I read all about it, when it starts, what the symptoms were.. fuck.. I had almost all of them… denial has been my friend, years of taking care of my body, eating healthy, exercising… and it has betrayed me… damn body, in my mind that meant I could betray it back… I lay in bed, partially covered prepared for the heat wave, one leg out, our cat had learned it was safer to sleep next to my husband than potentially risk being kicked awake every few nights… I decided I would sleep on it…

In the morning, I went to the health food store and bought all the natural remedies I could find… after 3 weeks, I realized I had just simply donated hard earned money and still continued to dress in layers and had now resorted to 2 fans on the side of my bed… it became all too clear… it was time to see a DR… it had been a few years, kids were grown.. life was full, so hadn’t taken the time to visit the lay down and spread em doctor…

When I called to make an appointment, I found she had moved to a new state… they said they would set me up with a new DR, a male doctor… I said no thank you, I didn’t want to explain this man… how would he understand… So, I did the next best thing.. I went to my girlfriend, who was a few years older than myself… I met her for wine and we talked and I explained the past several months’ events and she was all to sympathetic, letting me know that her time has started a few years ago.. she had opted for the natural way though and could not refer me to a doctor… was she fucking nuts… who would opt for natural when after I realized my natural approach didn’t work, I had crept back to the office one night and with google as my friend and no longer in denial, I searched.. .menopause and how the fuck to make the symptoms go away…

She offered to ask several of her girlfriends for a referral for me… I thanked her and we finished our girls catch up time and wine and we headed our separate ways for the evening… As I got to the work the next morning, I turned on my computer and went to check my email and true to form, my friend had sent out an email that read… My first and last name has started having hot flashes and is looking for a gynecologist can anyone refer her to one… now everyone knew… I didn’t know to say… so I closed my email… put my hair in a ponytail, removed my first layer… and went to work.. at lunch I opened back up my email and there we numerous emails from friends of our age group that had replied with referrals and shared stories of misery that made me laugh… seems I was not alone in this and that I had entered a new cycle of my life with this birthday that brought me to a new sisterhood, an odd way to bond, but a nice way to start a new chapter… next week, I shall meet my new DR that is referred by many of the women on the email chain and if this DR knows what is good for her and she wants to leave the office in one piece, I will leave her office with a prescription to make me go back to normal… Happy Birthday to me…

Ciao Bella… a Pissed Off Sarah…

Posted in aging, comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, menopause, Uncategorized, wine and tagged age, aging, fuck, hot flashes, humor, kitten, lame, menopause, OMFG, omg, positive, robin seymour, saracasm, Sarahsviews, sex, wine, WTF | 2 Comments

Servicing The Customer…

Customer service or servicing the customer… what is the difference…. Well for starters, the customer is the reason why we get up, get our asses dressed and down some caffeine and aspirin all at the same time, look in the mirror… throw some paint on or comb the hair over the spot that seems to be growing on top and say to ourselves… It’s show time folks… with that over eager look of hope…

Upon starting your day and by your third customer, you begin to realize that you can give all the customer service you want… but it is apparent that the customers want more, they want you to give them customer service and pay them for you give it to them… in addition, perhaps you can shine their shoes, carry their purse while they shop, hell, they will just give you the list of what they want, ask you to pour them a drink of top shelf adult beverage, request you pay the tab for the drink and do their shopping while they put their feet up and rest a bit…

When all is done, they will write a scathing complaint letter to your boss about how you didn’t look them in the eye, didn’t smile quite enough times and offended them because the drink you bought for them, wasn’t as strong as they felt it should have been… or my favorite, too strong and they got a ticket driving home and expect you to pay…

Today, we are taught to give good customer service, but we as customers have forgot how to be good customers, with stores fighting for our market share we have become arrogant and rude, intolerant to the person who is attempting to help you while at the checkout counter, or answer your questions at customer service… we as customers, have become spoiled children like Violet Beauregarde in Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory who wants it all now and doesn’t care who she yells at to get it… this is us… this is today’s customer…

When you shop today… who will you be… today’s customer or …

Ciao… Sarah B

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy, and tagged ass, humor, kitten, positive, robin seymour, saracasm, Sarah B, Sarahsviews | Leave a Comment

Interesting Quotes And Their True Meanings…

Aspire to be Barbie – the bitch has everything… Sarah says… boy does that bitch really does have everything, come on sister.. she’s got a play house, a Barbie mobile and best of all a Ken dude that is made of plastic and hard, that she controls… and wow… I guess she does have everything, except batteries to keep Ken going…

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always… Sarah says… Oh Baby cakes… Really, you didn’t know her first name was Ms.. not Miss Always… cuz now your ass is married and that makes your first name… Yes Dear…

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell… Sarah say… Uh, really? Do you think… what was your first clue??? Your day at the office???

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company… Sarah says… well where do you wanna be… in the sunshine with you know… those types… or in the heat with your friends, sipping cocktails by the pool…watching the pool boy… who you know… screwed up too and ended up here servicing you… tough choice… but I a prone to the heat…

Why should we take advice on sex from the Pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t! Sarah says… well she doesn’t want to step on toes… but come on… does it get any clearer that statement… and who is the Pope and exactly what does he does for a living… not quite sure on that and why has he never had sex???

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me… Sarah says… LOL.. the true definition of religion… better to ask for forgiveness than permission…

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. Sarah says… And your point??

He is a self-made man and worships his creator… Sarah says.. Hey dude.. why does it need to be all about man and his creator… you self righteous bastard… don’t you know we made you… or I guess the correct term is own you…

When life gets you down – just put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Sarah says… put em on sister, you lame whiny ass bitches are giving the rest of us a bad name, so shut, buck up and do the job like the rest of us…

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. Did Sarah here the words I do in this statement???

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants… Sarah says, Italian food is the best she has ever had… yum yum…

The National Rifle Association says, ‘Guns don’t kill people. People do’. But I think the gun helps. Sarah says… no comment because common sense and not politics tells you this is a true statement and leave it at that… because one thing Sarah has learned… is common sense really doesn’t matter…

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Sarah says… WTF… have you been listening to my phone calls lately???

A good listener is usually thinking about something else. Sarah says… What???

Today is the last day of some of your life. Sarah says… Wow… Really, that is the best you can come up with… dumb ass…

Ciao Bella… bite me… Sarah…

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, religion, Uncategorized, wine and tagged comedy, humor, marriage, omg, religion, saracasm, Sarahsviews, satire, sex, wine, WTF | Leave a Comment

Is The Peri Fairy Heading Your Way???

Just entering the latter part of my 40’s, I have begun to enter that newest phase of being a female. My doctor calls this new phase “peri-menopausal”… I don’t really know what “peri” means as a medical term, but in real life terms “peri” means… aggravating, bothersome, annoying, troublesome, vexing…I.E.: ”Fucking-pain-in-the-god–damn- ass”-pre-menopausal.

So let’s talk real… I’ve been having a period since I was 11. Yes…early bloomer in so many wrong ways…. WTF ever… So, for over 30 years, it’s been an inconvenient, yet predictable part of my life. 3-1/2 weeks go by, I get cramps for a day, bleed for 4 or 5 , and it’s a done deal for another 3-1/2 weeks. But a couple years ago, things started changing a bit. First, I started to decrease to just 3 or 4. It continued to dwindle over the next few months until I was down to just over 2 days. Woo-Hoo!!! Who wouldn’t like that??? Eventually I was left with a day of cramps but no period to follow. Not my favorite, but the no muss-no fuss aspect has its appeal. Finally one day I was at the grocery store, passing by the tampon display, and realized I hadn’t restocked my supply in what seemed like a very long time… Standing at the display, I counted backwards to the last time I’d needed them… Holy shit…it was nearly 6 months!!!

Free at last – Free at last! Fuck you Playtex & your God-damn labia pinching super-glide applicator!!! They never once were a super glide… Fuck you Kotex & your God-damn pube pulling self-sticking panty shields!!! And Fuck you OB & your God-damn strings that wick bodily fluids into the wearer’s underwear without absorbing a fucking drop! I was a happy woman… I giggled and danced a little jig right there in the aisle… causing the young man standing close by to move quickly away from me… OMG…within a week, I had a freaking period… NOT one of those 1 or 2 day MF’s either. Apparently my uterus had not stopped doing its thing, just simply saving for a rainy day…. I had 3 days of cramps and 6 months worth of period over about a 9 day time span… Mother Nature can be such a raving bitch… Moving forward, I vowed a couple of things… I will only pass the feminine hygiene display if I need feminine hygiene products, I will approach those product displays with only the deepest reverence and utmost respect… Also, I will never again curse feminine hygiene product makers in public or private as I had learned my lesson…

Now for the past 6 months I’ve honored my vows, avoided the tampon aisle, been respectful etc. and my menstrual life has once again returned to uneventful. The dwindling process resume and I went back to having periods that are sporadic, short-lived and sparse… Life is good…but then I forgot… Shit!!! While grocery shopping… I must first point out and ask what genius’s idea it was to arrange the feminine hygiene products on the same aisle as coffee or deeply desired espresso… which for me, is a requirement of life as important to air and wine… I decided it was silly of me to go all the way around the hygiene product aisle to get to the other end to get coffee, so I cut through… Dumb Ass… Seeing the tampon & maxipad boxes all lined up, I again realized it had been some length of time since I’d needed to re-supply… Outwardly I remained respectful & polite, inwardly, I must admit I had just the teensiest of Ha Ha… moment… That was all it took… you idiot!!!

The next day, Monday, I was sitting at my desk talking on the phone when, with absolutely no warning, I felt something go bluuurrp…you know…down there. I knew immediately this was not good… I finished the phone call and headed to the rest-room squeezing my you know what shut… Oh My God!!! It was bad…it was really really bad… It looked like someone had bled a sacrificial goat into my underwear… Was I wearing light-colored pants??? Did I even have to ask??? They were khakis of course… Had it bled through my underwear into my pants??? Hello…of course!!! Badly I wondered… Not too bad from the volume/area/stain size standpoint, however from a placement/location standpoint, it was fucking stellar… Somehow, because of the way I was sitting, because of the way my pants fit, or because I fucking pissed off the Period Goddess again, I had managed to channel the flow forward so it made a big red blotch right at the base of my pant fly… It was only 10:00 am…

I cleaned up as best I could, & went looking in the bathroom cupboard for the supplies to catch any further leakage. In the past, I always kept a small stash of tampons at work. However it hasn’t been all that necessary for quite some time now, and I didn’t have anything… Fortunately, one of my lovely 20-something year-old co-workers had a box of panty shields in the cupboard. It was an emergency and I figured I could replace them later, so I opened her box, and learned a new thing… Did you know they make panty shields for THONGS??? They’re normal width in the front, and taper to string width in the back…with wings… Who knew and most importantly….WHY??? How fucking useless is that??? Being desperate, I made do… I laid the first one in, front to back & then the second one, back to front so that together, they almost made one whole. I made it through the rest of the morning by staying at my desk, or carrying papers, and file-folders in front of me.

At lunch, I zipped home where I scrubbed the spot from the crotch of my pants, and threw them in the dryer to dry. Unfortunately…“the thong panty liners” didn’t stick very well to my “non-thong panties”… Instead, they are curled, twisted and have attached themselves directly to my hairy lips… both right and left!!! Removing the liners gave me a free partial Brazilian job, as they ripped out thong shaped swaths of pubic hairs… I took a quick shower and checked on my pants… The stain had been transformed. It was now a large ring around the whole crotch of my pants where they had been wetted when I scrubbed them. I decided perhaps it was time for plan B…change pants, and just freaking deal if anybody asks why if they are stupid enough to not see the glaring eyes and flaring nostrils…

Night sweats, Insomnia, Hot Flashes, Moodiness, Irritability, Memory Lapses, Brain-farts….all predicted, and all now accounted for. However, my friends, you left some stuff out. Nobody bothered to tell me that walking down the tampon aisle at the grocery store will make your periods start. Nor did anyone say that after 30 plus years of practice in how to deal with having a period, that I’d suddenly become incompetent… It makes me wonder what else was left out of the stories that I am yet to experience… it this some secret society you can only enter into thru trial by fire…well fuck you… As for me, I am back to making sure I stay away from the feminine hygiene aisle, being respectful toward the patroness saints of the menses… I’m hoping that will keep me relatively free of unpleasant surprises for the next bit-o-while. I am passing this along for you 20 & 30 something’s so you have something to look forward too…

Ciao Bella… A Peri Sarah B…

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized, wine and tagged 40 something, menopause, omg, period, vexing, WTF | 9 Comments

A Little Vino Please…

Recently, while taking a much needed mental break from my office, a girlie friend and I decided to take a break, enjoy the cold winter sun and walk to the local wine bar up the street.. Seriously, we were the only two working that day, it was hot, no phones ringing.. so what the hell was the harm in it? To the average adult female, not a god damn thing, but to the the typical tight ass bitch, who can’t think without a man or a god telling them what is right or wrong.. well that bitch would rot in the same hell she has spend her “stepford wife” life trying to avoid.. ahh… but really, when down deep, we all know she really wants to experience letting it all go, doing WTF ever she really wants to and not have to feel guilt or panic that she may go to hell, that her kids should smell a tad bit of relaxation on her breath or worse yet her ball and chain… Oh… oops, I meant her “husband”… because in religion, she really isn’t much more than a breeder, house servant and the occasional…oh why do I even need to go there… so.. .We trek our little asses up the street in the early afternoon to a wonderful little wine bar with intentions of having a nice appetizer and a glass of Fume Blanc… light, crisp and refreshing… It is nice, the sun is out, the sliding wall doors are open for indoor and out door relaxation… we are all of 5 minutes from work…

Cell phones are at our desk… Work is left behind.. ahh.. Some “OK” fume blanc is on the chalk board written menu… Ahhh… as we enter we hear the chatter.. the pitter patter of little feet or should we say little mouths!!! Lots and lots of little mouths… It is a flipping wine bar for Christ sake at 12:30 in the freaking afternoon… isn’t there a sign somewhere that says “no short noisy “ talky talky ” people allowed in… No???? Why the hell not??? Oh… well, after standing line for a good 7 to 9 minutes while this “mother” allowed her 6 & 8 year old daughters first order whatever they wanted to eat.. then the mother talked to them as though they were adults… My friend could sense my annoyance and my mouth begun to utter the uselessness not of the children, after all they are only children, but of the mother.. whom clearly doesn’t work and whose only level of communication is with that of 6 & 8 year olds…. I make it a point to tell my companion that where ever they sat, I wanted to be on the opposite end of the place… she agreed and was beginning to fidget herself with annoyance… while this is all going on, we have both spotted the wine list, written in chalk and calling our names… The more the mother talked like a 6 year old… the louder the wine called us… Hogue ( not that bad ) Fume Blanc… I could feel the first sip go down while standing in line… Eagerly I thought of sitting in quiet, with my friend as far from the noise so we could take 30 minutes, relax, not discuss the bullshit of work or the day but instead focus on making fun of all the idiots at the wine bar in the middle of teh day… Ahh.. the sound of the children walking farther and father away with their “mama”…

Finally we are at the bar, waiting for our turn to order… My credit card out… when a very nice, large, important server took our order.. how did I know she was important..well of course it was because she had a “blue tooth” on her ear.. she was just fucking special.. so special that while working.. she would take personal phone calls… Imagine if you will, that… a rather large woman of over 250 pounds and at least 5″10″ tall…with one arm full of tatoos and the makeup of the 1980′s and hair of the 1990′s… stands next to your table and you order a glass of wine and she starts to write it down and then in mid stride…says, what the hell do you mean, you can’t pick me up after my shift? WTF??? You are sitting there thinking to yourself.. I know I am on my second.. maybe 3rd glass of wine.. but at no point do I remember offering to take her home… you say pardon me… she looks at you annoyed because after all you are interrupting her call… and holds up her hand to you as if to say… excuse me, this is important.. she points to her ear.. as though you do not see the black growth on the side of her face the randomly beeps a light at you… she is put out that you had the nerve to interrupt her.. you wait patiently…wait…wait…and oh wait..then she lets her caller know what a piece of shit he is.. and that she will take the bus… Oh…let’s toss in a bit of guilt… and screw you… and ends the call.. what I can not figure out is how she ends the call.. I don’t see her hang up anything…. oh well.. maybe now she will get back to taking your order or maybe not.. because now she will have to step all over her dick if she had one… maybe she does…I am not quite sure at this point and will apologize to you about that incident you just witnessed… LIKE YOU REALLY GIVE A FLYING FUCK!!! ALL YOU WANT IS A FUCKING GOD DAMN GLASS OF WINE AND NOW DUE TO THIS BITCH.. YOU WANT TWO GLASSES!!!… however, you are not a bitch..yet.. you instead.. politely tell her no worries… and that of course leads her to believe she can talk more to you on a personal level… however.. she finally shuts the fuck up… you order your wine… finally… she brings you the wrong one… all while talking back to her loser boyfriend about a ride once again.. like anyone one wants to really “ride” her wide load!!!

Did I digress??? Shit, Sorry… so this person is now taking my order at counter… I anxiously whip out my credit card…. stand there patiently… she once again has the blue tooth thing in her ear…. I say… we would love two glasses of Fume Blanc please, the Hogue.. stunned, confused.. she searches the register…. up.. down.. around..Hmm.. what wine did you want again.. feigning politeness.. I repeat.. the Hogue – Fume Blanc, white wine? The one over there written on the chalk board… she looks at the board… clearly needing glasses.. strains…. to see what is written.. what was it again? It is now becoming increasingly more difficult for me to tune out the screaming children.. the mother talking like a 6 year old and the 1980′s, goth, tattooed.. blue tooth wearing…dumb as a freaking sack of rocks server whom can’t tell the difference between white or red wine let alone where the hell to find it on the freaking register… my smile falters.. my friend elbows.. me, slowly I began to retract my extended credit card… she, the waitress, server, whatever the hell her job was… stammers some more.. what was the wine? FUME BLANC by HOGUE… see???? You have it WRITTEN under WHITE freaking god damn wines on YOUR board right over there… Oh that board… we don’t carry those by the glass.. we only have house white or red…. I am once again nudged by my side kick… I say… that’s if OK… we will leave… the server.. says.. are you sure… I am sure I can find the owner and we can figure out a price per glass??? OH Hell NO… it cost like $8 a bottle in the freaking store… I will pass… now my blood pressure is up… my days shit to deal with at the office is all gone, forgotten and my focus is now on why we even bothered to go to this place for a glass of wine… when every damn experience has been this way… we turn to leave.. saying under our breaths but loud enough to get the point across… we will never come here again.. we vent on our way back to the office.. a short walk.. we instead walk to 7-11 and buy candy bars and continue to complain… Once back to work, it dawns on us that without the glass of wine… the same goal had been accomplished… We forgot about our shitty ass day and now know that someone out there with a blue tooth glued to her fucking face was having a far worse day than us… Thank You Baby Jesus for that!!! It should not have made us smile… but you know what… It sure as hell did Baby…

So screw that!!! I am going to pour myself a nice glass of believe it or not… It is not going to be Hogue, Fume Blanc and finish this crappy little blog up because now it is purely the principle of the matter… May your tomorrow lunch be far better than my yesterday…

Ciao Bella… Sarah B….

Art work of Gregory Hergert

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized, wine and tagged blue tooth, flying fuck, Fume Blanc, tattoo, wine, WTF | 3 Comments

They Call Me… For A Reason…

They call me Bitch for a reason… Because I am… End of Blog…

I could leave it at that, but that would be incredibly stupid, just like the statement above is… Often times I have found in life when one takes an assertive or firm stances on a topic and ones views… They are called a bitch… The same can be said of when someone take charge of their own lives and destiny, this too often causes one to be called a bitch… That leads to ask, just what a bitch is??? Is a bitch someone who does what needs to be done, stay true to the course and takes no shit from anyone… I think this is not a bitch but instead someone who is taking control, has goals and a plan to achieve them… I think intead, that this is a person who deals with things straight up and head on…

If this were a man we would call him, smart, aggressive and a go getter… but with women, we call this a bitch… Maybe, we should see what Wikipedia’s definition of a bitch is… ” In literal, non slang use, Bitch is a term for female canines…. Hmmm, let’s start on this statement… If we are called bitches, then does that mean we are also female dogs??? So, we are also ugly, because we all use the term Dog, we typically refer to the meaning that you are so ugly as in “what a dog, you need a sack for her head to… hmmm, well… Dog to me, also means… What I think of some types of men, such as in “What a Dumb Ass Dog”… as in he can’t keep his zipper up whenever he smells a new bitch around him…in fact in my cell phone, several of my good male friends, have the labels “dumb-ass-dogs #1, #2 #3 & on after their names… just so I know which one of my bitches is calling today… lol… So in my book, the definition above of bitch is referring to “canines” and that tells me that a bitch is a dog, which seems to refers to a ”Dog” which is in… “Dumb-Ass- Dog”… so truly, the term bitch when in reference to canine, actually means man… so we women are not the bitch…

Wikipedia also states… this suggest a high sexual desire in a woman, compatible to a “bitch” in heat… a bitch in heat… hmmm… sounds like a woman who just needs to get her kitty scratched so she can purr like a kitten… that doesn’t sounds like a bad thing, now does it??? What would sound bad is a bitch in heat suggesting someone wanting to get knocked up so she can trap some Dumb-Ass-Dog into taking care of her and her puppies she would be popping out… that is not so nice… I will pass on being a “bitch in heat”… I can scratch my own kitty…

The other definition Wikipedia quotes is… In recent usage, the range has expanded to refer to a feminist context, Bitch, can indicate a Strong or Assertive Woman, one who may make men feel threatened… I find it truly amazing that this definition is exactly how I started out this blog, where Bitch is a strong woman… I must disagree, a bitch is simply someone who for no reason at all is a just an arrogant, cocky, rude person… This can refer to both a male or a female… They can both be a bitch in my book…

The last definition states, when applied to a man, “bitch” is a derogatory term for subordinate… So, it is saying that you are my bitch and I am your boss… Hmm, this is confusing because in essence, above , it stated a strong and assertive person would be the boss and they would be the bitch… So the subordinate could not be the bitch, right??? Seems to me that the word bitch has a lot of mixed connotations as to what it really means… However, we are all going to use the term ”Bitch” when we feel the need to throw someone under the bus or get our point across or feel superior… For me, I am a Bitch but which definitions above apply, well depends on what time of day you ask me…

Ciao, Sarah B…

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized, wine and tagged bitch, blog, dog, kitten, lame, Sarahsviews, stupid | 6 Comments

Marvin…what are you thinking…

You know sometimes we have to wonder about Mr. Marvin… Marvin sent over some ideas about all his wisdom’s, because he thinks he is all that and more… so SarahsViews decided to do a piece about it Marvin, calling it… Marvin’s wisdom’s with a Sarah Bite… Please enjoy and if you have some wisdom to throw this direction, send em on over baby… Here we go…

Marvin Says… Nothing sucks more than the moment during an argument when you realize you are wrong… Sarah Says… WTF… You clearly haven’t picked the right topic.. Never argue about something until you know you got your own back and ass covered! And you are NEVER wrong… haven’t you learned anything from reading Sarah…

Marvin Says…There is a GREAT need for a “sarcasm” font… Sarah Say… You think???? They call that Caps ON… Caps Off… Ever really use your crackberry closely or your laptop, or are you one of those who still type on all Caps???

Marvin Says… How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said??? Sarah Says… You are just way to freaking nice… What??? WTF did you just say…. is more likely what would come flying out Sarah’s mouth …loudly!!!

Marvin Says… Map Quest really needs to start their directions at #5… I am pretty sure I know how to get out of my own freaking neighborhood… Sarah Says… Map Quest is assuming that you had a wild night out, you drank some shots, you table danced and showed all the gals and fellas your hairy ass chest… before falling into your car and following someone you may or may not know home ( fuck, Marvin.. I really hope it was at least a Gal, Oh Marvin )… Waking up in a strange bed… not knowing where you are… seeing some hair peak out of the sheets next to you… clearly you are to afraid to lift them up to see who / what is under them… quietly picking up your own clothes, sneaking out the front door… turning on your Crack Berry and looking at the address on the house and street sign and Map Questing your drunk ass home to “SHOWER” and have some coffee… So, Please… don’t blame map quest for your wild nights! It can’t read your dumb ass mind…

Marvin Says…Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died… Sarah Says… Marvin, Marvin, Oh Marvin… Please get a life!!! Do you really have so much extra time on your hands that you are reading the obituaries or are you on the hunt for a new gal and checking out the old dudes that clicked off so you can scope out a “sugar mama”…. HMMM…actually, that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea… Maybe, Sarah will start reading them too…

Marvin Says… I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower and THEN turn on the water… Sarah Says… This explains the true meaning of an “Innie”… Whew!!! No wonder sex in the shower doesn’t really work all that well…

Marvin Says…It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood…. Sarah Says… You think??? WTF… But then, all those “anti” signs carriers hanging around out front would have to then change their signs and slogans and then… you know… it would upset the whole balance of being told you can or can not do something and well… We all know that it just won’t work… So let’s not fuck with what is already a fun topic to fuck with… cuz… then if we keep fucking …well… then you know; there will be this whole trip to Unplanned… and on and on… so, Sarah Says… let’s leave this whole topic alone… No one will win this one…

Marvin Says…Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what to do with it… Sarah Says… UH… Uh… you are kidding right??? Go ask a 15 year old, give them a computer and let them go at it… they will educate your old ass and you are showing your age Sweetie…

Marvin Says…I hate it when I “just” miss a call on the last ring…. but when I immediately call back, it rings.. 9 times and then goes to voicemail… What do you after I don’t answer??? Drop the phone and run away??? Sarah Says….NO, Dumb Ass!!! They are teaching you a lesson… You won’t answer their call…So, they are on to the next one who will pick up, cuz they are hungry, horny, she wants some wine and a really good time… So, Marvin.. you just got screwed outta getting screwed by being way to slow on the pick up… Honey, you gotta step it up to “get it up” baby… Meow…

Ciao Bella… Sarah B…

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized, wine and tagged ass, fuck, map quest, obituaries, saracasm, sucks, WTF | 10 Comments

Cell phone…cell phone… Go Away…

I was wondering just how special of a person you have to be to talk “loudly” in public on your cell phone??? Are you that important??? Or are you just that pathetic….. After listing to your conversation that of course I and anyone within a 20 foot radius was forced to endure… I am starting to lean a bit more in the “pathetic” direction… I mean really… Do you honestly think myself and everyone else needed to hear about your day??? What you ate??? What you deposited in the bathroom??? Yes, No, Yes… not sure… Ooohhh.. not sure??? That in itself is disturbing alone…

What makes you feel so damn important that it is necessary for all of us around you to know about your life??? I really don’t care what time you pick up your kids…. I really don’t care what happened in your day… and I am fairly certain the person whose ass you are riding in line due to your pure ignorance of respect of personal space cares about the fact that your baby girl has a snotty nose and you had to stop by your mom’s house on the way home from work so you could borrow $20 bucks to buy your baby girl some stuff for her whittle stuffy nose… Hey, I am only repeating it the way you told your friend or should I say “friends” on the other end of the phone call … because it was quite apparent you made lots of calls…. to lots of people… I would have loved to been able to speak up and say… I don’t see any stuffy nose medicine in your basket, that look more like a bottle of ghetto cat negro white wine at $3.99 a bottle… ooh baby…. nothing like a cheap hangover… that is if one bottle will still give you a hang over.. though judging by your complexion.. I would feel safe to say NO… oh and Hell no… baby…. I am fairly certain your baby girl is home with the neighbor brat and feeling quite fine and the rest of that money will go for gas, some smokes and some drive thru off the dollar menu.. Bt you keep on a calling and talking and baby girl as my cracker ass white ghetto Auntie likes to say… you just have a good night and you give them all a call after you have taken care of that bottle… “baby girl”… you really have the stuffy nose… and the cell phone to be important… Real important…

Could be worse… as I experienced the other day standing in the DMV line… which brings up a very important thought.. Is there an IQ requirement to work there??? I am fucking pretty damn sure… answer is NO.. and I could go down the list of a few other govermnent agencies.. but why… I was the DMV…. they are special.. but hell, what could I say, my sorry ass was there too.. right??? Replacing some mis placed ID…the kind that losers who use their cell phones they paid for with other peoples ID’s when they help themselves to their wallets… Oh, wait… get off the soap box and trash tweakers another day.. ( mental note… trash tweakers )… LOL.. like I could forget that.. so back to DMV…where IQ’s to be employed, not required… but better yet…. if you go to a place like the DMV and are forced to endure standing in line for any period of time, you will not only observer or should I say… hear tweakerville mentioned above.. but you also get to experience “texters”… speed texters… people whom are so engrossed in their new phone that they don’t hear tweakerville, they don’t even know that anyone or thing exists other than their phones that are color coordinated to match their personalities… they text, they don’t ever look up…. they are texting at least 5 different people at the same time… They don’t see you, hear you or the person in front of them.. the only reason they move is their head is bent forward looking down at the phone they are texting on and they notice the space of distance now in front of them from the person whom has moved up ahead.. these people are truly amazing…. However, I am not sure they would be able to engage in an actual oral conversation…. they are only able to communicate thru text… so their phone makes them as important as tweakerville… but we shall call them….hmmm… I am thinking… we shall call them.. BFS Texters… that will stand for Big Fucking Special Texters… Ahhh… my day at the grocery store and the DMV… just doesn’t fucking get any better… now does it… Howver, I now know how important a cell phone can make you… lol!!! NOT….

Ciao Bella.. Bitchy Ass Sarah B…. I think I will go pour myself a glass of white ghetto wine, make a few calls and text a few people before calling it a night, so I can fit right in…

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized and tagged Cell phone, cracker, dmv, text. ghetto | 11 Comments

And What’s Your Sign…

So Baby… just what is your sign??? Ever hear that lame ass line when you are out trying to have a great evening with the girls or boys??? Or someone who is so fucking proud of their Zodiac sign that they announce it to everyone they meet like it is a badge of honor??? Well… here is SarahsViews and interpretation of your Zodiac signs…

AQUAIRIUS You have an inventive mind are inclined to be progressive or repressive in my opinion… You lie a great deal… Like you don’t already know that… You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are “SS” we call that “super stupid”… Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk… I really know you are a fucking jerk and now you do too… So liar… get over yourself… Go invent some new shit and sell it to someone who believes it… Oh… you already did!!!

PISCES You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads and you think only with the head of your dick or your special box. You are quick to reprimand, inpatient and full of advice, because it is all about you…you… and oh yeah.. YOU… Dumb ASS… You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with… You are a prick… Asshole… Dick… Bitch… etc… I could go on… But you are so self-serving, you actually think I am complimenting you… LOL!!!

ARIES You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA, well… actually you are, because you are usually a criminal or associate with them… You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power, LOL…that is funny, that is when your friends arent’ in jail… You lack confidence and are a general dipshit… But if it makes you feel better… at least you aren’t a Pisces… whew!!!

TAURUS You as practical and persistent as a stupid fucking fruit fly or as I like to call them a “fucker fly” that I can’t swat fast enough to get rid off… You are a nasty pest… You have a dogged determination and work like hell… Oh please… like I believe that… Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed… You are nothing but a god damned dick… kiss ass… suck up and oh…go wipe your nose… it appears to be covered in something brown!!!

GEMINI You are quick and intelligent thinker… People like you because you are bisexual… I just think you are Bi-Polar!!! You are inclined to expect too much for too little… This means you are a cheap bastard… As in cheap ass mother fucker… who buys Night Train and pours it into an expensive bottle you dug out of your neighbors recycle bin to feel better about yourself and look good to others… depends on if you are Lisa Dark or Lisa Bright today… Gemini’s are notorious for thriving on incest… Hey.. stay the fuck away from me!!! You are scaring the hell out of my cat and dog… both of you… Go Away!!!

CANCER You are sooo sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which makes you a fat big sucker… One dumb ass lame… sucker… You are always putting things off… Because you can’t get jack shit done… This is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit… Sucker… Hey this is your sign not mine.. I didn’t make this shit up… I just found it on the internet… so it must be true… Everyone in prison is a Cancer… Wow… Know anyone there??? I do… hopefully it won’t be you…

LEO You consider yourself a born leader… Then you woke up in a sticky puddle… Others think you are an idiot… I know you are an idiot… One arrogant mother fucker… Most Leo’s are bullies… with big heads and small heads at the same time… oops… if you are woman… you just suck or will suck!!! You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism… Your arrogance is disgusting… and yet so appealing at the same time… I am scared to admit it… Leo people are thieving mother fuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex… Wow… that is sad… Yet… if you take videos we can upload them onto U-Tube and make some dough.. so work it baby!!!

VIRGO You are the logical type and hate disorder… You make the rest of us fucking nuts because you are so damn annoying and can’t shut the fuck up…and must always have the last word… Asshole!!! Your shit picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co workers… assuming you have them… You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking… Whatever it is that you choose to fuck and honey… I don’t want to know… Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps… At least you will always have job security in those industries!!!

LIBRA You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality… Because you are a fucking whack job… If you are male you are probably gay… OH well… at least someone has to bring you outta of the closet… Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil… You don’t seem surprised by that… but more surprised that we actually mentioned the word employment and you in the same sentence… Most Libra women are whores… Again.. job security!!! All Libras die of venereal disease… I will pass on that one…and not be playing in your cat box or sand trap…

SCORPIO You are the worst of the lot… You are nothing but dirty sneaky bastards all the way… You are shrewd in business and can not be trusted… EVER!!! You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics… Ethics… WTF are those??? You will screw anyone and everyone to get what YOU want…because after all , this is about you… Scorpio… they are just nothing but dirty bastards who will own your ass if you don’t watch out… You think you are the perfect son of a bitch… Most Scorpios are murdered… and rightfully so… You better run… hide… before they find you… cuz they are looking sweetie…

SAGITARIUS You are optimistic and enthusiastic… LOL… You dumb ass!!! You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no real talent… Oops…didn’t mean to let the cat outta the bag on that one… you should have figured it out by the pile of shit you have lying around…The majority of Sagitarians are drunks… Hey… nothing wrong with that… You are a worthless piece of shit… Oops.. outside typing fingers again!!! Sorry to be the bearer of bad news for you… At least you know and can plan where to buy your next bottle of booze from…

CAPRICORN You are conservative and afraid of taking risks… That is what we in the real world call a Pansy Ass and you are basically chicken shit… There has never been a Capricorn of any importance… EVER… You shall kill yourself… Hey… again, not me… I found it on the net… so it must be true… Please don’t breed… there no point… get over it and yourself and move on down the road… to where ever your kind goes… you really have no purpose… we call that thinning out the herd…

Ciao… One mean Scorpio Sarah B Bitch…

Sarahs Bitch Crew

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized and tagged aquarian, gemini, lame, libra, pansy ass, pisces, scorpio, virgo, WTF, zodiac | 10 Comments

This Thong’s For You…

Never…. End of Blog… Really, I am not kidding… the answer is Never… if you really have to ask or think about it… then let me tell you that you are truly unique and have no concept of comfort or looking at yourself in the mirror before leaving your house… First off, lets start with what the fuck a “thong” is… It is a tiny piece of material for the back of your wide ass and an little tiny wider piece of material that is supposed to cover your “box” “your bush”…”your little sweet spot”… or “your special button”… I can go on.. but I hope you got the point…

Let’s start with the part that goes on your ASS…. It doesn’t matter what type of ass you have… let’s think about this together… You are putting on a pair of undies… or shall we say a “Thong” that the piece going up the back of your ass is as wide a band aid at best… but it gets better… it gets wider at the top… Why??? Is it going to keep the tops of your buttocks warm??? It is a fashion statement that it rides to the top of your hips and pants today ride below them.. so we get a full on visual when you bend over of your “hot pink” buttock warmers.. climbing out the top of your jeans that are gapping in the back as you bend over and we can see the piece of “hot pink” material disappearing in what is assumed to be your Crack.. yes.. I said your Crack.. you crack head… why??? Does it “feel normal for you to have some dental floss grinding away all day long at the insides of your cheeks…. maybe it is your way of getting a dental floss wax job on the inside of your crack as it friction is slowly rubbing off the hair on your ass… Oh please… all of ya got it unless you actually shave the inside of your cheeks and that is just way too much information… So, now I have been told that you “Get Used To It”… OK, I can get used to a lot of things… I suppose you are right… I can get used to alot of things… Typically though when I am “having” to get used to something… It is because I HAVE NO OPTIONS…. not because I am into self torture… so getting used to it… Nah, I will pass… and I am ok without my hips showing out the tops of my pants with my buttocks warmer sticking out of the tops and you looking to see where the material disappears ….

Now let’s talk about the ‘button” warmer… OMG… please come on… the dental floss crawling up your ass is nothing to this piece of material that is so narrow for the front part that it can’t decide if it is going to “sit” firmly in the center of your “box”… ride to the left and expose and right lip or ride to the right and expose the left… Hell it gets worse… wear jeans that are just a bit too snug and it will crawl off both lips baby and wrap itself firmly around your little button giving you the image – visual of camel toe… and a few other things a bit to hairy and hanging out on each side that I think you have the idea of where I am going…. but Oh Wait… I will get used to it!!! Why the fuck would I want too??? Cuz I have a hot date later and I know I am going to be getting lucky and when I pull my jeans down.. with his help… I have a lip hanging out… a button all wadded up and I need to peel the dental floss out of my crack because it is stuck to the back of my ass from not doing such a good job of wiping all day long… Yep… I will get used to it all right…

Thongs are meant for those who think they are “something” they are not.. 18 year olds and strippers… The last time I checked and looked all ALL my girly friends… none of you fit that group and none of you should be wearing a thong… sister… embrace your ass and body and dress for comfort and not to please someone who is only going to take them down faster than you could get them on as you can’t figure out what way is the front and what way is the back… LOL… so just get the fuck over yourself sister… you don’t need a thong to be a hot mama… Real Women “Don’t” wear thongs!!!

Ciao… Sarah B…

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized and tagged ass, asscrack, box, button, omg, thong, WTF | 18 Comments

Why We Need Duct Tape… Important!!!

As all of us poor “white, ghetto & whatever else for you happen to be of…trash”… are familiar with it what it is like to have to be creative in making things work… It isn’t like we can all whip out our credit cards and go buy whatever the fuck we want… I mean, really…. Not like they are gonna give one to me or to anyone I associate with… Honey…. last time I checked, I am pretty sure… my credit is so fucking special that I am what is considered to be a “credit criminal”… No.. you moron, not like someone who goes out and steals ID’s… but more like someone who says “sucker” to the dumb ass credit card agency that was stupid enough to send me an actual card… and actually think I am gonna pay them back… WTF are they thinking…. didn’t they pull my credit report before sending it to me…. Hey… in my opinion, my credit report is “full disclosure” that I do not and have never had any intentions of ever repaying any “credit” that some dumb ass sucker chose to gave to me… It isn’t like I can hide my credit past… I am simply “using” the gift presented to me…

Then comes reality…. Ah.. something just broke and I can’t go to the store and pick up a new one, a part of a new one or even a take something back to get a new one.. Hell no… all I got to my name is $3….. We know I gotta save $2 bucks for $2 Buck Chuck…. those of you whom may not have a “Trader Joes”… that is where I can go buy a bottle of a step above the ghetto negro cat white wine and the cost is $2 Bucks…So, this leaves me$1 freaking dollar to my name…. How can I fix what needs fixing with a buck??? Oh hell… come on… this is a damn recession…. where do you and every one else you know, shops at today…. either proudly or with dark glasses on and driving 20 miles out of their way to avoid being seen by the other snobs in their neighborhood… Well sweet cheeks…. we shop at the freaking $1 Store of course…. You can find everything you need (except wine!!! ) at the dollar store… damn… why don’t they sell wine???

Now… I drive my lame ass to get my wine… then I drive my ass quite proudly to the nearest dollar store by my Apartment… maybe not so much in pride as in the sheer lack of gas in my car… remember…I am poor white trash… (at least for this blog bella…) I haul my ass into the store… grab my little green hand basket… as though I am actually going to fill it up with dollar items… yeah right!!!! I walk straight to the home improvement isle of the store… look… look again, damn it had better be here… Ahhh… there it is… “Duct Tape”… the master of all repair materials…. I love my Duct Tape… I proudly walk to the cashier.. acting as though I have to search thru my wallet amongst all my large bills to find a dollar bill… you know baby, it is all about the “show” the “smoke”….the whatever… Anyway, I buy my big gray roll of duct tape… Oooh Baby!! I am gonna get back in my 1990′s Chrysler… K car…what color you ask??? White of course… and I am going to drive my white trash mobile to my apartment and I am gonna do some repairs…

First… My damn dish washer wants to fall out when I open the door… Simple fix…. open door… take 4 long strips of tape and wrap them from the top of the counter to the inside of the top part of the dishwasher… Ahhh… fixed! I am getting the sense that I could achieve a “semi” stainless look in my kitchen if I use enough of this magic fix all….Next… my vertical blinds… well… seems a few of them won’t stay in the clips… simple … get up on a chair…. get a few small pieces of tape…. and wrap it around the top of the blind to the clip…. 2 down… how many more to go…. Lets go to the bathroom… the toilet paper roll has a messed up spring…. so it keeps popping out… ooh… this will be easy… tape it to the bar…. Ahhh… 3 down… Microwave door handle keeps falling down… seems to have lost a fucking screw and I wish I could say I gotta a screw… I mean that I found the screw… but.. anyway… No screw…but you know what I got??? Duct tape… just tape that handle to the microwave and to really make sure it sticks make it go up and over the door…really feeling more like a modern kitchen with each repair… Ahhh… 4 down… Wait… when I was driving home… I hate hearing the passenger side window rattle…the handle keeps jarring loose…. Yes, I said handle… this is a “K” car remember… with plush faded blue interior and a “bench” seat…. Ooh baby!!! I am now gong to tape that damn handle into place and run the tape up the window!!!! Mother won’t move now…. So…what else can I do… I am having issues with my bra… the wire keeps poking out…and this poor white trash can’t afford a new one this week… so… I think I will tape the wire securely in… ( that was not such a great idea… in case it crosses your mind.. it itches!!!) However in looking in the mirror as I was getting out of the shower yesterday morning…I noticed my pointers were starting to become setters and wondered if maybe I should give some thought to giving myself a “duct tape” boob lift!!!

Duct Tape Baby…. Girls gotta have it… it is a fix all… it even keeps the bottom of that special toy together so the batteries don’t fall out…

Ciao Bella…. “White Trash” Sarah B…

(This is all made up except the battery part!! LOL )

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized, wine and tagged batteries, credit, duct tape, ghetto, white trash, wine | 8 Comments

Look Up!!! Scape-Goat Above…

So, the other day, I was standing in line at the grocery store and this person in front of me was just going on and on to someone she had drug to the store with her. This shall we say, Princess? Was going on and on to her friend about how she made sure to get back at her loser boyfriend…. by fucking around with her neighbor… I don’t mean F’ng around in such a way that she was messing with his head..well, I guess I do mean that in a way.. ooh!! Well, anyway, because this little wide load of a princess spoke so loud and apparently had a 4 pack a day of smoke habit based on her vocal cords… went on quite loudly and with her raspy voice about how her boyfriend deserved this.. and all the whys and ways!

While I can’t pass judgement on her reasons, cuz the guy did sound like a loser ( that she picked! )… but I wondered to myself if she had looked a mirror at any point in time over the past few years. Because the last time I checked, 1995, was gone and we are in a new decade of clothing, hair, make up and crude public display and talk were about as in style as 1981! However, since the cahier was challenged this particular day…. and taking quite an long time.. I was forced to “overhear” this conversation. What struck me as so fucking typical was the fact that after a while this conversation turned to what they had planned for Sunday.

Well, let’s see, after they each picked up their children from their ex husbands.. ( no issues there.. got my own share of ex’s )… but, best part… they were going out this evening partying the night away.. then picking up the children whom I imagine if girl children would have matching highlighted hair, feathered with big bangs… and if these children were boys… well they would have matching mullets… bu the very best part for me was what they planned for Sunday.. they had Church planned… this of course let to who’s mini van they would take ( of course! ) and then more Church talk.. I happened to be the fortunate person to leave the store behind them – did I mention the part where they had a 12 pack of bud and some white zif wine? You know, the kind that comes in a box? Oh, I am digressing… seems I was parked next to these two wonderful women.. in a mini van… complete with the fish emblem on the back size.. ( should have been a whale emblem – oops… I know I am going to hell for that one.. good thing I don’ care or believe in ti! )

As I loaded my things into my car, I was struck with how typical these two women represented to me what a typical Church going person represented. One who is according to the bible they profess to love… spends 6 1/2 days… doing everything that goes against the same values they have shoved down their throats that half day on Sunday. My faovorite part of this group of people, is the fact that they seem to think they can do anything they want 6 1/2 days a week as they have a get out of jail card… a true scape goat who can never stand up for themselves…they have the imaginary God to forgive them…to accept them and to allow them to justify their actions.. Because after all, God will forgive them… while they fuck you every way they can, because as long as God forgives them, they do not have to be accountable for anything they do.. ..They are covered Baby! Better than any insurance policy they could buy. They got God.

Well, I will pass.. I fuck up, got no one else to blame but myself and accept full responsibility. I am a grown up and I don’t need a God to bail my sorry ass out when I mess up, only own up to it and accept what I have done and hope I can survive the humility to learn on my own and make my next mistakes.. there ain’t no flipping God, just a scapegoat for Sheep’s and Losers!

That is Sarah B’s take on it….Ciao Baby… Sarah B,

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, religion, Uncategorized and tagged church, follower, God, loser, scapegoat, wt | 3 Comments

You Just Don’t Know Who You Shop With???

Have you ever just looked around at wondered what the person standing in line at the grocery store was really like? Not like… in “hey baby” wonder what he would be like to take for a spin??? But more so, in I really wonder what this person is all about… If you look at the items in his grocery cart… you begin to form a mental image of who this person is once they walk outside of the store… You are behind him in line for quite some time now, behind you is an equally interesting person that you have already surmised up whom and what she is all about in 12 seconds… didn’t take long, face sunken in… teeth gone, hair dyed and unkempt… With her are 3 screaming brats… Oh please, don’t act offended… you know for a fact you have stood in line with this same person and wondered first, who the hell would fuck her and why the hell didn’t someone shut down her baby making factory after she popped out the first one… Better yet, the first one isn’t even here with her as we all know the first one is at least 17 and one of these screaming brats in store with this person is actually her grand child… after all the cycle tends to perpetuate… the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree as we are told and you know, when she finally gets done saying… NO… we got.. No… you already got and no…no….no… she will give in and each child will get what they want, while she whips out that special government subsidised card to pay for it… oh, I meant to say, that we just bought… except for that 6 pack of cheap beer ( honey – I am standing next to these kids and I am ready to crack open one of her damn beers and I don’t drink that shit ) and let’s not forget her smokes… those are paid for with bottle return coupons… The ones where she had stood out side and turned in bottles for… those pay for the special things that we don’t…

Damn, let’s back to the hottie in front of you, you have managed to keep your back turned as much as you can from the Crystal Queen behind you… You are really starting to focus in on this cutie pie and the items he is placing on the checkout counter in front of you. He is cute enough, maybe 36? 34? you don’t know, but that does make him legal..right? Oh wait….. he has a ring on.. not on his finger.. but attached to his NOSE as well as to his penis… it is his cell phone… she is calling non stop… Yes, uh, yes dear.. I got the buns, yes, the wheat ones… ( well you think at least he eats somewhat healthy.. . Right?? ) No, they didn’t have any… yes, I got… no… OMFG…. what a pain in the ass… Shit, what he should have said is… look bitch, if you don’t think I am capable of getting the right things at the damn grocery store, perhaps you should have gotten off your bon bon mother fucking ass and came here yourself… but he doesn’t say that.. Not out-loud at least… Now you are curious… Just what else is in his cart? Casually you look at the items he is unloading as you are trying to tune out Crystal who is making gumming noises over your shoulder… OMG… please go buy some teeth!!! So, in his cart is… diapers… toddler size… so he has a kid, OK, who doesn’t… buns – wheat mind you as previously verified by his better (LOL) half.. .milk, 2%.. OK, he is or she is making an effort to be somewhat healthy… OMFG.. the fucking ball and chain is calling again.. yes, no… well… but…I thought you said.. he looks at you, then to the cashier… The cashier is so used to this, to him it is just another inconsiderate loser that is rude enough to use his phone while at the check out counter… OK.. after a long pause he says … I will see if they have it… But, but… I am already at the counter paying!!! Click… it is obvious the click didn’t originate from him, but from the dick he lives with… I would say pussy, but it is clear, he is the pussy in this relationship and the tampons in the cart really should be for him and she is the penis that runs the house and wears the or should we say… his pants…

Too bad… even Crystal behind me isn’t so annoying compared to this person in front of me… She at least is out doing what she needs to do to make it and not waiting on someone else to do it for her… proud enough to turn in bottles to feed herself and her family and proud enough to admit she needed help from us to make it… gotta admit, may not be our way, but hell, she ain’t picking up the phone pussy whipping someone to bring her bon bons… no she drug her ass out in public and faced the judgement of you and others with her head up high, while he walks with his penis tucked between his legs to keep the peace…

Hopefully when he got home, after 3 more calls and 2 more trips back thru the store isles… she was all happy happy joy joy and he got a moments peace, after he brought in the groceries, she checked each item thoroughly to make sure they are perfect, he puts them away, while she text her friends… He cooks the dinner… does the dishes, puts the screaming 2 year old to bed… because she couldn’t do it… after all she is 8 months pregnant with the next one… which means his “chain” will be there for at least 20 more years… So he should just accept that he is fucked and that he has no life or man hood left, though in his mind he is wondering why he couldn’t have hooked up with one that just woud have “swallowed”!!!

Ciao… Sarah B

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized and tagged Brats, Cell phone, Crystal, Hottie, OMFG, Shopping, Six Pack | 2 Comments

The True Definitian Of A GC!!!

: Atrist Gregory Hergert

While chatting with a girlie friend of mine over a bottle of cheap white wine the other day, making fun of the the mullets that women still wear and simply asking each other “Why?”….Do they not own mirrors??? No honey, the wine we were drinking wasn’t Chablis… But we have been down that road a time or two in the past and have pinky swore over the toilet the next day that we would never take that trip together ever… no matter how fucking god damn dirt poor we are… get…stay… will be… LOL!!! While, we are able to recognize that we were not in the most of upscale places… but instead a bit closer to the hood – ghetto – crack central, whatever your neighborhood calls it, where they sell cheap ass white, red or worst yet pink wine.. Honey, we aren’t that proud… We consider ourselves “Thrifty” spenders… maximizing our dollars!!!

We now have begun to notice of what we call several G. C.’s sitting amongst us while on our upscale night out… G.C.’s??? You ask what is that??? Come on Muffin… you gotta know what a G.C. is… don’t you??? Really, I mean, who doesn’t??? What could G.C. possibly stand for??? Oh please… get over yourselves… you simply aren’t that high up the ladder to think it is something nice… I mean, really get over your wide ass load self… Everyone has a definition of what G.C. stands for… Now, in our case a G.C. stands for the following…

Ghetto Cracker… “Our definition” is a white, wide ass, mullet wearing, 80′s hair with poofy bangs, blue eye shadow, pouring herself into a pair wranglers with what I like to call a super ”double muffin top”… one above her belt.. and one that is stacked on top of her real set of boobs… ( god I hope those are real, cuz they are scaring the hell outta me and any kids around!!! ) You know the ones, they pop out the top of the bra she should have thrown away 3 cup sizes ago or should I say, 3 kids ago, but she holds onto as it is the only way she is able to keep those “puppies” remaining pointers and not setters… that is a Ghetto Cracker… Now G.C. can mean a few other things… let’s say…

Good Christian… please do you really want me of all people to give you the “Sarah B” view of a Good Christian… OK, you asked for it… and here is goes… The same lame ass Ghetto Cracker listed above who is hung over on Sunday mornings after picking up her multiple children from multiple fathers at the all night baby sitter…. oh please, let not forget to add multiple races… (gotta keep it in the hood, bario, crack central) She chugs a few cups of yesterday’s cold coffee, lights a few smokes… (ooh!!!) Wipes off last nights make up and put on a jean skirt and boots and drags her wide ass load and 3 chicklets to church for 3 hours Sunday morning… 1 day a week… give or take a few extra trips on holidays… that is my definition of a “Good Chetto Christian Cracker”… Now we could expand and say G.C. stood for the following… Got Child??? Here is the meaning… Mullet man is hitting on mullet woman in a western bar and wants to get some action that night… but is wondering if she’s “Got Child or Got Children” at home or is he going to have to bring her to his mom’s house to do his wild monkey love dance… (ooohhh!!! YUCK!!!) OR… it could mean or should I say silently whisper… Got Child!!! So, mullet woman is on the hunt for a mate for the next few months… Welfare isn’t quite making the bills… so, she is on the prowl and needs to weed out the weak and the smart… she seeks the longest mullet with the most empty cans of beer in front of him… cozies her big ole double muffins up to him and catches his eyes… then whispers a few things in his ear… she is fully aware he is wanting some big yummy muffins for breakfast… so she silently mouths… I Got Child!!!… He doesn’t run…cuz he can’t get his eyes out of her muffins cups… and baby cakes, those beers make damn fucking great goggles… so they hop into his firebird and now the rent is paid for a few months…

Now.. G.C. could also mean… “Gonad Crusher”… I love this term… because after our “Ghetto Good Christian Cracker” that’s “Got Child” ( multiple!!!) is done, used up and movinng on from her mullet man… cuz all his money is gone and his firebird is in need of a new ashtray; the right side sits just a ad bit bit lower… So she is about to become theMaster ”Gonad Crusher” and move on to the next unsuspecting mullet man and maybe try to move up the food chain a bit, find herself someone who drinks from a bottle instead of a can and drives a thunderbird – shit at least he won’t be drinking it sugar… After all of that, her rent will be taken care of for a few more months while the 4th baby from the last mullet head is incubating… away… Ahh… gotta love those G.C. women… don’t ya… Hell No!!!

Keep them as far away fromme and honey, you should stay the hell away from all G.C.s… OR… you know what you will be doing the next 18 or so years…paying for it…and baby, there ain’t no box lunch that good…beer goggles or not…

Ciao Bella…. Sarah.. B

Artist Gregory Hergert

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, religion, Uncategorized, wine and tagged boobs, chablis, christian, cracker, ghetto, gonads | 4 Comments

Silence can be so Fucking Golden….

There is a lot of good to be said for “silence”… not the kind of silence where you are curled up on the couch with a nice glass of wine and your favorite “foot – foot”snuggled up next to you… and you are reflecting on your day, the next sip of wine ( hell baby – whether or not to get up and “open” another bottle of wine …. cuz after all it is a school night!!! Maybe you should hold it to 1 bottle of wine this evening…) No, not that kind of silence… Though who the hell wouldn’t want a night of peace and quiet like that… But put away your fantasy thoughts and special toys and accept that those evenings are either far and few in between, things you hear about from your girly friends as they brag about their night alone or it is just an urban myth… Based on the choices, I am shooting that those evenings are just an urban myth!!! One that is not meant for you or any of your girlfriends and those who talk about it… Well.. they are just trying to cover up their lame lives and try add some spice to it to not only make themselves feel better but to make themselves feel allot less pathetic about themselves… Don’t they know as their friends, we would never really judge them??? LOL… Yeah right!!! Going to Hell for that one baby….

No, that is not the type of silence I am talking about… Oh, HELL No!!! The type of silence I am talking about is the type where you are in the same room as someone you have know for a million years.. and you want to talk… you wait for them to to talk… you hold your breath in anticipation when you think they may start a conversation with you only to be let down once again.. You want to spew some shit outta your mouth… but you can’t, you won’t… You can’t because of the silence… the deafening silence that is there…. taunting you… calling you… The earth shattering deafening silence… Why is that??? What is it and what causes it??? How do and can you stop it…. Shut it down and better yet, how do you shut up the fucking silence??? Yes, I said shut up… the deafening silence??? Silence as we know, screams louder than any other noise and says more than anyone or any words can ever be said to you… You hear the silence clearer than any words you will ever hear…

You have come to accept that, it isn’t easy to shut up the silence; it is way more complicated and complex than you think, realize and understand… but most importantly, you have to ask yourself… do you really want to stop the silence??? This “Golden Fucking Silence??? Are you OK with the deafening silence??? Is it so bad…. so loud that you can’t focus??? Have you adapted to the silence …. these are real things you have to ask yourself… has the silence become as comforting as the urban legend of the myth of the “foot – foot” curled up next to you on the sofa keeping your feet warm with her tail??? ( For those of you idiots whom do not know what a “foot-foot” is… it is a pussy cat baby ) Once you start to ask those questions, then you must then accept that the silence has now become “Fucking Golden” and you wouldn’t and you won’t give it up for anything in the world… You have become adapted to the silence…. You find comfort in the silence, you find both refuge and safety… You are now a part of the silence… you have created and enabled it and more importantly…. you long for it… the silence is soothing… it is after all ” Fucking Golden”…. so sweet, yet bitter and yet so very quiet, comforting …. even though so deafening….

To talk to anyone at this point would be accepting accountability for the silence and the guilty pleasure you find in it… after all, there is something to be said about having a “foot-foot” curled up next to you keeping you warm and only listening to the soothing sounds of her purrs… Silence is, can and will be so ”Fucking Golden”… Enjoy it.. as one day, it will change and you will long for the silence… It really isn’t that bad baby…. enjoy and cherish it… It shows the strength within yourself to not rely on anyone or anything but yourself and your own inner strength…

Ciao Bella…. Sarah B….

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged cat, hell no, kitten, lol, silence, wine | 9 Comments

It Soothes… It Heals… It Protects!!!

It Soothes, It Heals, It Protects!!! It warms you up at night, it take the chill out of your bones… It has the capability to brighten your day at it’s worse moment, it can make you forget about the asshole that just cut you off on the freeway in his super spendy car with the all-knowing, telling look at me emblem blazing on the front of the hood screaming… look at me… look at me…. I am driving my penis compensator… It has the ability to make you more friendly and will bring a smile to your face quicker than anything else… If it has the potential to do all of these things, then why on earth is it so difficult to come by???? It’s like pulling freaking teeth… Like going to a dreaded Dentist appointment, far worse than a night over at your in-laws and worse yet time with your ex… Hell for some of us we would prefer to have dinner with our worst enemy or our most recent ex lover… or morning gasp and wake up in sheer panic call… as we roll over to see we are not alone…

One thing for sure is that we will go out of our way to avoid it, to give in and to act on upon it…. We suck allot… I know I do and I don’t mean in a way that can make my other half smile and bargain with you for next round… but we really suck, we are cold, self-absorbed and our vision continues to become more and more tunneled… to the point where we can barely see 3 feet in front of us… We lose all our peripheral vision… worst of all, we do this on purpose… We choose this route and we have chosen to be loners on an island, alone at work or in the coffee line, we will not say bless you when some one sneezes, only we turn a deaf ear and pretend not to hear… Instead we will make feigned attempts to help someone in front of us that falls or drops something, only to delay long enough for them to pick up themselves… all with a phony smile of sincerity on our faces… We take our time so as not really have to act out and follow through or extend ourselves…

What could or would Sooth, Heal and Protect and warm you to the very core of yourself… It is several very simple answers… It would be to see or give a genuine smile, to say thank you and really mean it, to give up your seat so someone older and more tired can take your seat, to allow someone who has one item in the grocery line while you have 20 to go ahead of you… When someone is short for their cup of coffee in front of you to offer to pick up the difference or better yet the tab… to pay for the coffee behind you in the drive thru… To take time to stop and help someone up… Or to give to someone in need and not judge them or expect anything in return… We are all guilty of the things that make us suck… Me included… I am terrible about judging people by their hair, clothes, the car they drive… I am notorious for judging them more if they dress nicer or drive nicer vehicles or if they have nice jewelry than if they do not…. It is certainly not an intentional thing most of us do, it is just simply something we are programmed to do from birth… to judge and to feel superior… when in fact, we are truly equal…

Today, I shall make a sincere attempt to tuck away my crassness and my satire, I will keep my grinch and bitchy katty comments to myself and focus on my day ahead and what good things I need to accomplish and how I will do this… For tomorrow… I can make no promises… I may have a shitty day and some asshole in fancy car with a nice fancy emblem and slicked back hair may cut me off on my way to my meetings and tomorrows comments may be totally different… after all.. .we are programmed to also let our immediate reactions effect our moods… can you guess what kind of day I had?

Ciao Sunshine… don’t do anything I wouldn’t do or at least get caught at… cuz this is really all just a line of bullshit baby… Did you buy into it???

Sarah B

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized and tagged Grinch, heals, judege, katty, protecs, robin seymour, soothes | 4 Comments

How Old Are You…Really???

They say age is simply just a number…well I think those dirty bastards are lying and it is really the best way to mind fuck yourself into doing or not doing something stupid in your life…

Let’s talk about your 20′s… You think you are on top of the world… your ass is as perky as your tits and your dick, while as hard a rock… is quick to react and or should I say… over react… and really seems to think that being “six-shooter” is something to be proud of… NOT!!! The problem is that in your 20′s you think you are invincible, hot and can do anything you fucking want to… Well… you are hot!!! But… you are not invincible and doing anything you fucking want to do will bite you in the ass a few decades later… While you are “perky”… you are also as dumb as a sack of rocks and believe anything that flies out the mouth of “Mr. quick fire”… neither of you have a fucking clue and the sad part is you aren’t going to know that for quite some time to come… and all your actions, desires and impulses are only going to haunt you for decades… My advice is to keep your box on lock down… your six-shooter… well covered to protect against “future” unplanned college educations you will both now have to figure out how to finance… I can say all of this… cuz I was 20 something once…

Ahh… the undesired number 30…is next… OMG!!! You are now “30″…where did your youth go??? Inside as I type this… I am laughing my ass off because you are an idiot!!! Your youth is still there and your 30′s…well, lets say these will be some of the worst years of your life… They will suck!!! Suck like a “Hoover” baby… speaking of Babies… let’s talk about them… Did you cover that thing or lock it down??? Nope??? Great… Now you are saddled to someone who used to have perky tits and a tight ass… and used to have a full head of hair on his head that seems to be moving down his back… while you two shuffle your life around now, not 1 but 2 children because after all… you were in your 20′s and full of ”Gum Drops and Rainbows” and look where the pot of gold has gotten you now… You ”just” had to have each other… now you “hate” each other… neither of you can get a decent job cuz… you didn’t finish your degree cuz you became baby makers… or as I call them… breeders… In an attempt to save your marriage you decide to pop out a 3rd child… What a bright move that is… Now you have attached yourself to this person you really want to escape for an additional 18 plus years, you idiots… Good luck… it only gets worse… It isn’t until you finally part company… screw anything that walks for a months ( years for those who are really slow to figure it out ) while trying to regain the youth of your 20′s back… your perky breast are now sitting a bit lower and your ass resembles last weeks cottage cheese… However… you have spent so much time being a partner and parent… that at least you still have your wardrobe from your 20′s and your hair style… or at least she does… He is starting to expose a bit more forehead… and or has shaved his head… his ass has now sunk in and he his starting to get man boobs that are perkier than hers… (ooh!!) Now as you near the end of your 30′s… you are about to enter a new phase of mind fuck… I know this cuz…I was 30 something once…

Your 40′s… Let’s talk about this interesting phase of your life… You now want to be 20 again ( You Idiot!!!)… They do say today that your 40′s are the new 20′s… so you now have justification to act 20…right??? Does that also mean the true 20 year olds are really not there to compete with you as you try to buy their clothes and cars??? Or keep up with them at the gym, the language, the hair styles, or and or and or… I will say this… Your 40′s are the best decade of your life as of yet… You have the confidence to finally be who you really are… should have been or wanted to be and you don’t give a rats ass about what anyone else thinks. You are the new 20′s and if you were smart… you either divorced well or learned how to make a good living so you can remove those signs of aging… You have figured out that you don’t need anyone or anything for during your 40′s as you are quite capable of entertaining yourself or finding anyone of any age to entertain youand as for you men… you now can buy that special car, get a great fake tan, go to the gym and nail that 20 something-year-old for the night.. but good luck… because remember the sand trap you got yourself into at 20 and how it happened??? You were screwing a 20-year-old then and you just finished paying your kids college education… hopefully you snipped it and won’t repeat THAT mistake again… what we come to realize in both men and women at this age is that sex with younger folks or just anyone… isn’t anything compared to someone of the same confidence and mental caliber that comes with someone mentally in age and drive to them… that shit goes a lot further in the bedroom and in a life partner than those perky tits and a 6 shooter… that is what you learn in your 40′s… And again… I am 40 something…so I can say this… and not give a shit if you care about what I write about or not…

I don’t know about the 50′s yet… but I am sure they are marketing those blue pills for just that reason and I will be the first to stand in line for them… for 60′s and beyond… we will just have to wait and see…

Ciao Bell… 40 Something Sarah B…

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged 20, 30, 40 year old, age, mind fuck, omg | 13 Comments

New Years Flu… Did You Get It Too???

You so sick girl...

Well… here you are… the second week of the New Year that I sprinkled in Fairy dust for you and now look at you… All coughing and hacking up a storm… missed 3 days of work so far to boot…. All because you have the New Years Flu… Couldn’t keep your mouth to yourself that night now could you???

Had to go out and get all snazzied up in your finest of duds and baby, I really do mean “duds”… in case you are not sure what I am talking about, then perhaps you need to check out the latest Wally World email floating around in your inbox at work…. To see what I mean by duds… oh, wait that would require you to be at work, nope not you…and why aren’t you at work… cuz you are sick… you got it bad… you ache and feel like crap…

Well your dumb wide ass deserves it, yes it does, if you have not drank so many wine coolers that night, yanking your shirt up to show us your setters instead of pointers, all proud of those low riders…girl, where the hell was your bra that night by the way.??? Seems you were the one who wanted to climb on top of the table and dance the New Years in… and dance you did, till the leg cracked and we caught you on the way down… which reminds me, you owe someone a thank you for being there to break your fall…ouch!!!

If you hadn’t from 11:30 – midnight proceeded to work the room, bouncing up and down, swinging too and fro… going from one person to the other… giving them the option of being flashed or kissed… who would have thought a girl could get so many kisses in one night… not that you should take that as a compliment…. Well there you have it, now you are sick with the New Years Eve flu… from all the closeness with 28 of your newest best friends… who passed along some New Years Eve cheer to you as well… now you are in the hole from missing work and your dignity gone till the Valentine party you throw all the single people including yourself…

Well Sarah’s suggestion for that event is to not invite her and to try the Brown Bottle Flu instead… nice way to start the New Year off….

Ciao,

A catty Sarah B just because she can…

Sarahs Back...

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, wine | Leave a Comment

SarahsViews Welcomes 2012…

Bringing good Fairy dust to The New Year...

Hello World… SarahsViews here… been a while since I have written much… seems 2011 got the best of me as well as the rest of the world with all the downers and depressions going on… Lots of misfortunes and sad news came out of 2011… So I have sent this SarahsView Fairy to you to brush away the negative tone of 2011 and dust you all with “positive” fairy dust and good thoughts going forward into 2012…

We can dust away the bad economy, because it is an election year an miraculously things always improve in January of an election year, so come on all that negative political TV ads to come in March… until then enjoy what is being said to be a turn around economy, after all we all spent our earnings in November and December to give a boost the the consumer index… Sarah isn’t always clueless… she helped as well in that area…

In 2012, we will find many positive changes ahead, it is all in how you look at it, we are seeing less volatility in the real estate sector, seems you can buy a house these days for 49 cents on the dollar, so count your lucky stars if you are a seller and didn’t have to drop to 38 cents on the dollar, those banks will give you houses in 2012 at this rate…

We seen a report that employers are wanting to hire in 2012… Yes sir they are, why wouldn’t they hire you… you have been out of work so long, they can get you for minimum wage… who cares if you were making $125K 3 years ago… 3 years ago, you could have sold your house of 300% over the actual value, if you didn’t sell and bank the money then shame on you and take the job and thank the Fairy, as eventually they will pay you a going wage and it beats the alternative…. so yes they will be hiring…

We will see Stocks continue to rise, why not…they are pennies on the dollar as well, so buy em if you can… see good things will happen in 2012, better yet, maybe everything will be 1% interest… nah, this Fairy ain’t that good…

So count your lucky stars you made it through 2011 and are looking down at the daisies and not up at them… 2012 is really a year of positive change and for that to happen it is a matter of how you approach the new year…

So shut up, buck up, step up and keep your chin up and take on 2012 with vigor and a positive approach and you will be fine…

Ciao… Sarah

Sprinkling Fairy Dust Whenever I Can...

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy, | Leave a Comment

Are You Ready…It’s Almost Here…Tick Tock…Tick Tock…

Tick Tock… Tick Tock… Can you feel it??? Can you hear it??? Did you survive the violence of Black Friday??? No cap in your ass, no one stepped over you to get the best bargain as you gasped your last breath at Target??? Were you mugged leaving WalMart at 1 am with your X-box???….If you are reading then then you must be ready to run the other way as fast as you can??? Back to June, May or March??? Anything but the fucking looming ”Holiday Season” that over the past few decades have started the “shoving down your throat or up your ass” a day earlier every year… This year it started on November 1st… .but the stores were beaming with pride mid October with Holiday decorations… Christmas candy out at the same time as Halloween….

In fact, I am not even sure they waited till midnight on Halloween to start the ads on TV… the relentless, shameless ads promoting that the only way to have a great Holiday or to be a great Parent, Spouse etc… was to “spend…spend and oh yeah baby… spend”!!! Hell honey, someone’s gotta do it for this upcoming Holiday Season and do their freaking part to save the economy….LOL!!! … Bullshit!!! Media hype and propaganda telling us… programming us to do what they want us to do… not what we should really do… Last time I checked… Holidays had nothing to do with spending or shopping…

How many days left? I can’t remember if we even had Thanks Giving yet or not??? Oh yes we did, while eating a rushed dinner, you scurried out the door leaving your Turkey carcass’s and left over pumpkin pie on the table so you could grab your ads and rush to stand in line for the midnight madness….. Well it seems the stores can’t remember that either… so don’t feel bad and don’t feel bad about stepping over the man at Target either…

However…as you shop in the grocery store for your goodies… you can sing to ”Deck the Halls” Guess we shall just start by-passing the Ole Turkey day Holiday and move straight into “Retail Hell”… Oops, I meant to say Christmas… Let’s talk Sweetie….You do remember Christmas don’t you… I mean how can you ever forget??? It is shoved pretty much down our throats and up our asses from October 1st to December 25th… now some stores are even open on Christmas so you can truly feel that you that you will want to shoot yourself for standing in line for 7 hours in the freezing cold to get that what was supposed to be, the rock bottom price, on that item that you have heard non fucking stop about for months and months and that if you didn’t get it for them FOR Christmas morning or the world would come to an end and your guilt would eat you alive… Dirty Bastards… and your sorry ass fell for it… “Sucker”…

Well, now, if you can wait till December 25th , you can find that item on sale for 25% less or possibly more had you just waited one more day baby… Shit…that sounds like a great idea… Let’s have Christmas on December 27th…the day after you return everything you didn’t want and the other shit that didn’t sell that is now 75% off… they didn’t like what you gave them??? Too bad… you gotta great deal and they look stunning in Orange with Yellow stripes… oops… I have digressed… Now, back to today’s struggling wonderful economy and what I was talking about… that extra 25% savings ( or 75% if we veto Christmas till the 27th, that would have paid for the dinner you are fixing for your family to arrive that will only stay long enough to give you the quick hug, kiss, your house looks great, not that they really give a shit… they are only interested in the tree and what is under it with their name on it… Hello… Look at all those presents under the tree, they want to know which ones are theirs??? Sure, let’s open now and “then” eat, because we know they all have other places to go to and other gifts to collect.. ungrateful bastards… however it is your own fault… you created the little and not so little monsters… now you must live or deal with them… Ahh… finally they are gone, the house is totally destroyed, the food devoured and not a morsel for a mouse… the plates left in the sink, of course… the fireplace overflowing with boxes and paper to be burned and the cat is now hiding behind the once beautifully decorated tree, due to the small children trying to stick a bow on top of his head… vile little creatures that they are… the children, not that cat!!! The cat, now in retaliation for this event, shall first cough up a large wet hairball on our pillow of course then lift his tail and spray all over your tree and of course the string of lights within it’s reach… Ahhh…the holidays… how soon they approach… Are you ready??? Tick Tock… Tick Tock… sounds kind of like an Alfred Hitchcock event coming up… maybe it is…

May you have your Valium, wine, JD or Vice of choice baby, close by to survive the next 12 miserable guilt and pressure filled days to please everyone who will not remember the day after…

Ciao baby… Remember it isn’t about You… But what “everyone” expects from You!!!

Sarah B the Grinch

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized, wine and tagged christmas, Grinch, halloween, holidays, thanks giving | 1 Comment

Drunk Monkeys and Fruit Flies…

Oh yeah Baby… that caught your attention didn’t it… I mean really… What on earth do “Drunk Monkeys and Fruit Flies” have in common? I know you are wondering, questioning, thinking… pondering… fondling… wait that is another blog to be written about later… Oh sugar, let me tell you… they got a whole lot more in common than we could ever imagine…

Sweetie pie… sugar muffin… lover lips… gooey bear… or as a friend of my is known to say… gooey duck… Well now, have you gagged yet… I have just typing that shit and it made me wanna hurl… that is what Sarah likes to call the cooing of a “Drunk Monkey”… I mean really, who the fuck talks that way… let alone when trying to pick up on someone… sitting down starting to have a decent conversation, add a few adult beverages to the table, of course ordered by the monkey itself, well on the way to being a drunk monkey… It starts off well enough, he is decent looking, dressed OK, has most of his hair, no ring on his finger… you zero in on him… thinking, damn girlfriend, this could be your lucky night to score a good one…

The monkey makes his way up to you… you tuck your muffin top down as far as you can beneath the table top… you tug a the 2 sizes v neck shirt you have on to pull the “V” down to show off the girls… ahhh… those girls, what they wouldn’t give for a little action this evening… the monkey spots those girls… the big long wide ass cleavage bigger than an ass crack… how can he resist… he can’t, he staggers over to your table… Belt buckle all big and shiny… his pants so snug you can see the outline of the money clip in his pocket… however you are thinking to yourself… I hope that is a money clip and not something else… you can’t take your eyes of it as he slowly, ever so slowly due to the few “cocktails” he has already had before spotting your ass crack above below your chin… wait, I am sorry, that is your cleavage and those are your girls… fuck, I will get it right… hard to tell the difference!

Now, you and he are engrossed in an in-depth conversation about the increase in the park rent where his single wide currently sits and him sharing his dream with you of moving it to some land and having some …. uh, what are those things called… oh yeah, some pigs and chickens… OMG… you are thinking, this could be the one, the night you meet the perfect one for you… you have always wanted some of those wild things in your yard for your kids to chase… OMG… better suck that muffin top in some more and now you are just resting the girls on the table, the ass crack is there for him and the rest of the bar to see…. after round 5… the monkey now on his way to being a total drunk ass monkey makes his move and reaches over and swallows your face… you are in heaven… you let him know you want to see that single wide… he is happy to obliged…

You both get up and you realize it may be best if you drive… he is a bit wobbly… to your Plymouth Duster you go… the nice orange one with bad breaks… the two of you… climb inside, he begins to wash your whole face with a big ass wet nasty kiss… you get that special tingle… in your little boxaroo… tonight is gonna be your night babycakes… he is telling you… sugar muffin, I am going to bury myself in those girls… you are so excited you can’t put the car in gear fast enough…

You drive to his place, getting lost 2 times because his shots of shitty ass black velvet are kicking in high gear, finally, you reach is tin tee pee, you are so excited… he opens the door and falls out of the car…you race to his side to pick him up, he falls face first in your ass crack… I mean the girls… shit, I can’t tell the difference… this makes you tingle some more… in the trailer you go… you let him lead you to his crushed velvet headboard and bed… you are so excited, you both undress… you toss yourself on the bed and he falls forward onto you… telling you he is gonna give you the … the… he is silent… you ask him…. what lover boy, what are you gonna give me… lover boy…what??? All you hear is snoring… No… No… this can’t be… this was the night, the night you were gonna give it up…the night you were gonna get rid of the fruit flies from that dried up thing… you been saving for the one… Instead… you are left with a Drunk Monkey and you still got your fruit flies…

Yowza baby girl… Sarah Says to fork up some cash and paid to get that thing serviced…

Ciao… Sarah B… who ain’t got no fruit flies buzzing around her…

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized and tagged ass crack, box, drunk monkeys, frut flies, robin seymour, sex | Leave a Comment

What are you putting out there…

I got mine... do you have yours...

What are you putting out there baby??? I hear your lips a flapping and see your jaws and jabbing but I don’t understand what you are saying… Nothing coming out of your mouth is making any sense, now is it??? I hear the words you tell me, you are saying you are going to do something… you say you want to change… yet I never see you the results…

What complaint shall we have today??? Shall you tell me the same thing you told me yesterday… last week… last month??? What has changed today to make any of us believe you shall do anything different… Did you wake up and realize that you are your own worst enemy??? Not that you and the rest of us do not already know this… as in life, we create our own beds that we lie in… we can either lie in a bed with a dog and it’s flees… which is fine if you need to get some scratching done… or you can lie in warm cozy clean bed… and not worry about getting scratched and instead be the one doing the scratching… So sweetie, what is different today… I hear what you are saying… but do you hear yourself??? Do you… do you really listen to what you are preaching??? Are you following your own golden rule you are pushing… I don’t think so… baby…

Me thinks you are just gonna keep on whining… gonna keep on talking… gonna be in the spot talking the same shit… whining the same drama the very next time I see you … and the time after that and the time after that… why??? Cuz it takes courage to quit the talking and it takes courage to walk the walk… and not just talk the talk…

Where is your courage going to come from… Will it take being pushed, dumped, dumb ass broke on or left alone for you to finally get the courage… because to walk the walk… you gotta get the balls to do it …. without those balls baby, you ain’t going no where… So, baby… figure out how to man up and grow a set and start walking the walk… and catch up with the rest of us… It is a lot more fun up here… we’d enjoy your company…

Ciao Baby…

Sarah B… and she’s got a mighty big set…

Man up baby...

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Are we living in a voice challenged world…

Interesting title isn’t it… I mean, I am sure you are trying to decipher what I meant when I wrote that… seriously, do you have any idea what I am talking about… any clue… any concept… here let me help you out and give you a hint… but first in order for me to do that, I need your cell number… Why, you ask so perplexed and dumbfounded… so I can text you of course, I mean really what other way would I communicate with you other than in text???

I remember a few years back standing in the grocery or bank line or any line for that matter, where I was subjected to not only having the line move slow, but to also be forced to endure the endless and mundane cell phone conversation where I was only hearing one side of it… how fucking annoying that was… I mean, really it was as though this person felt so damn important that they had to share the conversation they were having with all of us that stood within 15 feet of them… they spewed on and on about what time they were heading out for the night, what they were buying and made arrangements to meet whomever was on the other end of the phone… while I found this to be so annoying, I also found it to be quite entertaining… so entertaining that I would listen intently to their conversation all while being an overly arrogant person myself, looking them up and down and judging them by either their over paid clothes and tanned faces, while whipping out their orchards credit card to pay for groceries… knowing that to have an orchard card meant they had marginal credit and were living beyond their means and thus the need to over indulge their clothing, tanning and worst of all…the overly informative cell phone conversation in ear range of all they could reach without being obnoxious…

Ahh… I had fun with this group…. I will say that in my life time of owning a cell phone, I have always maintained a rule to not talk on the phone in public unless an emergency or waiting for a call back about what to fucking fix for dinner that night… but my favorite is the older person using the cell phone while shopping pushing their cart into everyone because they are driving one-handed and can’t drive the cart straight… ahh… they were so fun to avoid… however, things have changed… I no longer am able to find amusement in check out line of any given store… I no longer am given the selfish pleasure of judging those in front of me and imagining what the other person on the other end of the call looks like or is saying… at least not in regards to their phone conversation, I still will find a way to make fun of them…. things have changed and I have changed… I still maintain my no talking on the cell phone in public unless an emergency and am eternally grateful for caller ID…so I can screen those calls whom feel they are important and I can instead return their calls…with what…you ask…

Oh please, you all know, cuz you all do it now… I will return calls without even listening to voice messages… that is another topic all together and a different blog, that one I will to this group that explains that no one listens to voice messages anymore because we all have caller ID and we know who we want to and not want to talk to at any given time… so that brings me back full circle to what do we do with those voice messages and missed calls…

We fucking text them back… In a text we can say whatever we want, there is no indication if we are lying, annoyed or just simply busy… a text message is short and to the point… it is an easy way out… as well as a great way to communicate with multiple people at one time… it is the way things have gone… I am as guilty of this as anyone… in fact I am the mother fucking texting queen… I would rather text you than get on the phone with you and take what can or should be a 2 minute conversation and have it turn into a 25 minute conversation about something I didn’t need to talk to you about or need to you or want to or give a shit about… However, the downside to this is 2 fold… we lose our personal contact and touch in texting and sometimes our delivery can be somewhat dry when not meant to be… however, the true downside of texting in line is that I have lost a source of entertainment… it really isn’t fun watching you text in front of me… and I am equally guilty of using the time in line to text someone to entertain myself while the slowest checker in the world is checking my out… but part of the delay and I am guilty of this is that the person texting will actually hold up the line because they need to finish their text and that takes two hands… when we used our cell phones to talk, we at least had 1 hand free and could make eye contact with the person checking us out… now when we stand in any line, our heads are all down, our thumbs moving like mad and we are content moving slower so we can finish our text conversation… and no one is talking anymore… ahh…the peace a quite at the stores…

So, are you, we and myself living in a voice challenged world… absolutely… and I love it and wouldn’t change it for anything… I want you to text me and I will text you and please don’t call me and I won’t call you… I won’t leave you a voice mail, instead if I have to call you and you do not answer, I will text you and say what I need and that will take care of that… text me baby… text me all you want… if I don’t like what you have to say, all I have to do is delete your text and then delete you… So… text text baby…

Ciao… Sarah Texting Baby…

Sarah B…

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized and tagged Cell phone, text, voice mail, WTF | Leave a Comment

Are You The Kat’s Meow…

Are you the Kat’s Meow…OR are you Something the Kat drug in… Do you like to get your Kitty scratched or do you prefer to scratch the Kitty and make it purr… Hopefully when you are scratching the kitty, you aren’t throwing Kitty Litter everywhere and making a mess… A big mess that is left for the rest of us to scoop up and put back together…

I am all in favor of the purr that comes from scratching the Kitty, but I am not in favor of the aftermath that can come when you scratch the Kitty carelessly and selfishly… The aftermath left in the wake of careless scratching can be devastating on so many levels…

We have the emotional baggage that we are left to deal with when we realize our the Kitty has been used for nothing more than someone else’s selfish needs and no thought or care of the person who is emotionally invested in this cat box that you are playing in and the damage that can be caused in the aftermath… That baggage sucks… but maybe not as good as it did when they were getting their Kitty scratched… meow…

The other more troubling affect it the not so fun talk of being “socially” responsible when you allow several to play in your Kitty Box…after all, you never know where the Tom Cat has been before he strayed over your direction attracted by your scent of cum hither and make me purr sound… One hopes you are not being a bit on the sly side and playing with multiple partners at once… This could lead to sharing of lots of things unintended to share… so… always remember they make kitty pan liners… and they should be used all the time if you are going to be an Alley Kat…

So Sarah Says… be a Kitty all you want, go get your Kitty scratched and purr like a bitch in heat… We all do… but be careful of whose you let play in your Kitty Box as you may end up with a lot of kitty litter in places you didn’t intend to and it may just be in your best interest to be spayed as well… Meow…

Ciao Bella,

A Wise Kitty Sarah B…

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, religion, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

Whose Reality Are You Living???

Whose reality are you really living??? Is it theirs or is it yours… Are you doing what they want you to do and or what they expect of you??? Are you being their bitch for the day,, the week and the month… are you getting ready to lower yourself to your knees right this very moment… have your already to strapped on the knee pads and are prepared to do what they want and expect of you and worse yet… assume you will do for them???

Have you sold yourself out to them, given up on who you are and handed over to them the keys to yourself such a long time ago that don’t remember how this came about and now they not only own you but also drive your ass too??? Do they service you regularly to keep you running smooth and efficient so you can be there at their beck ‘n call… Because you after all, you are their bitch… Do they dangle things in front of you to remind you who owns you when you start to show signs of wanting to break the chains and escape??? Are those carrots in front of your eyes so yummy and nutritious that you stay… Is it that you can’t imagine being without those carrots and you have long forgotten how to grow your own carrots???

Remember those carrots you once planted for yourself??? The ones you nurtured, cherished and savored nightly as you lay in bed planning your future… dreaming of your future… planting the seeds you sowed for your future road to happiness… what is stopping you from taking your keys back and driving your own ass, owning your own ass… becoming free and breaking the chains… I bet if you laid down one night and replanted those seeds as you drifted off to sleep… and each night, you continued nurturing those seeds and eventually each night as they begun to sprout up… the carrots of those who think they own you, they would begin to taste bitter and as your continued to nurture your garden and begin to see the root of the carrot break the surface of the ground, their carrot would be full of acid and as you pull that carrot from the ground and brush off the dirt, you will feel the chains fall away from you and then you will feel the keys to yourself placed back in your own hands and at that time, no one would ever own your ass… you would be back in control of your life, passions, dreams and you would no longer have to strap on knee pads ever again… Unless you want to do it for your own purpose and benefit…

Plant your seeds baby, plant them now… water them, nurture them and take control of your own life… and future…

Ciao Bella… Sarah B…

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, religion, Uncategorized, wine | 2 Comments

Karma is a wonderful thing… Isn’t it???

You know.. sometimes it is just fucking hard to not go through life without running into some truly wonderful people.. you know the type of people I mean… right? The ones that just make your life hell and miserable and for anyone else that crosses their paths. It is those individuals that seem to skate by without anyone ever noticing the path of destruction and despair they are causing… The lives they are turning upside down or the innocent victims left in the wake of their path of destruction… You can see them, you can feel it… you have been tormented by these people before… They smile their snake like smiles… they pretend to be your friend… They extend themselves to you, openly extend a helping hand… The whole time, picking and prying… snooping and crushing everything of yours and who you are… These snakes come in the forms of acquaintances, co workers, god fearing religious, bible thumping followers, family and friends… They lead secret lives of deceit… There is no real good purpose for these people who purposely set out to cause malice and harm for the mere pleasure of observing the fall out of their game they have set out to play… sitting back and watching the chips fall like a well organized stage of dominoes…

Well, why is it that those individuals seem escape notice of all those around them except by you or I??? Why is it that they can they smile their smile to ones face and that smile wins them over…every time… What is it about this type of person that allows them to walk amongst us as part of our society, yet, they are truly the bottom dregs of humanity… I find this to be a very perplexing thought, notion and very disturbing and wonder if they do it to achieve a position of someone’s they coveted or material thing… or simply for the fun of it… Do you wonder why no them for what and who they really are? ?? Why can people see this person for the true snake behind those eyes and beautiful smile… this person whose laugh makes your skin crawl… Meow... Meow...Meow...Meow

As we become older, wiser we start to realize a wonderful… fucking beautiful thing … All those dumb ass lame pieces of shit… who for years have manipulated, lied, left wakes of destruction in their paths for the sheer fun of it… or personal acheivement… Well.. this beautiful thing called “Karma” had raised her head and struck each of them down time and time again… We may not see it each time.. but we hear about it each of these events.. asn when we do, we smile deep inside… Please do not feel sorry for these individuals… They have set out on a path of negative reaction and eventually a positive reaction happened… There is a saying, I wish my name was “Karma”.. but we are not Karma… they create their own Karma…

Watch out for those whom have screwed you good.. it may not happen today and it may not happen tomorrow and it isn’t our place to make it happen for them… no matter how badly we want to… because trust me baby, “Karma” will rear her ugly head and slap their lame asses to the ground where they belong… now should you want to stomp on them when they are down or step over them … only you can decide that… So… just a little food for thought for those who are not so nice in life.. Karma is watching… and she will find you sweetie… Watch your back… after all the rest of us have had to watch ours for years since we met you…

Ciao Bella Sarah B….

Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

It’s not what you know… but who you blow Baby!!!

There is an old saying in life… that often more times than not, it isn’t what you know that will get you ahead in life… but who you blow baby… Ahh… did your mind just creep back down to the gutter when you read that first sentence??? You and I both know that it really never left the gutter… Simply just reading that peaked your curiosity enough to urge your sleepy little peanut head to perk up… Not that peanut head silly… that will be a blog for a different day… that blog may get one or two minutes of my time in the future… or maybe not… This is about how people feel the need to get ahead in life and work at any expense and absolutely no care to others around them or whom they step on or over to get to what they think is the golden apple… That sweet spot of success that many feel will give them purpose in life…

The worst of these are both men and women whom in business and life… set their sights on a goal and only know ”one” way to achieve that goal… to lay down and spread em wide open or hop on and take a ride… those whom do this to achieve what they want are the amongst the most cunning and yet the most stupid around… Yes… you can sleep or blow your way to a new job or a new relationship… but you lack the substance behind it to keep it… Once the shine wears off your little rosy cheeks… you bring nothing to either the business world or as a partner into a relationship… you have built your world around a house of sugar and spice and eventually the rain will come and melt everything away you have worked so hard with to get, not your brain, but you chose to use your body to achieve… However, the road back down is a hard one to swallow… as you must fall past the ones you “blew” over to get what you thought you had to have… You made no friends getting there, so you have none on your way down… You have made a cold bed and must lie in it… until you find the next opportunity that it is… and you will because all you know… is how to “Blow”…

The other group that can be even more annoying, are those whom “Blow” by different means… They are smart and cunning… and have mastered the art of manipulation on both a business and Blow...Blow... Away Baby personal level… They specialize in “Blowing Smoke”… up your ass to get what they want and thing they need and have no regrets or guilt about their actions… in their own little world… You are a tool and a pawn that allows them to reach the next pinnacle of success in their warped minds… These individuals are masters at beings wolves in Sheeps clothing and often it takes years to uncover or clear the “Smoke” they blew to get what they wanted… But, the smoke does at some point clear away when a strong breeze kicks up and begins to uncover things that have been a bit hazy for those around them for a few years or even decades… These individuals eventually end up below poverty level, with no family and or friends… yet do not recognize this as they live in a perpetual state of fog from all the years of blowing smoke to get ahead… they can not see clearly and will never accept their accountability for their actions… They will spend all their days trying to restart the fire to get smoke going again… If you happen to find em and throw water on them… or stay upwind of these individuals… they are a bad lot…

For the rest of us… it is about hard work, dedication and goals… set your goals far above the “Blowing” level and you will achieve far greater success in life no matter if you have nothing to your name more than these two types above… in Sarah’s world… blowing is for candles and behind closed doors only… If you choose to blow your way up baby… it will catch up to up you if you aren’t careful… or even if you are… So I want to know if you have had experiences with those who blow or if you doing the blowing… please let me know…

Ciao Bella… Sarah B…

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged blow, gutter, peanut head, robin seymour, sarashviews, sheep, success | 11 Comments

Every event made you who you are today Baby…

Do you ever stop and wonder why things are the way they are… and just how you got to this very moment in time??? What happened and what brought you to this very place where you are sitting at right now… reading this… tuning out the screaming child; pretending not to notice the stack of bills piled high on the kitchen counter and ignoring the out of area phone calls on your cell… gotta love whoever fucking invented caller ID,..don’t ya? Sure has saved my ass more times than I care to think about from talking to someone I didn’t need to, nor want to or, be able to handle talking to at that time… So, how the hell did you get to this Blog??? This Blog that I know really grates on your nerves sometimes with the topics I choose, my opinions and the expressiveness that I choose to use… However, here you sit, right… Reading my nasty ass Blog, I thought so… And I thank you.. and I am very sincere…

Back to topic… The topic of what brought you here… What events in your life made it possible for you to have this moment to sit and read with me??? I bet you don’t have a damn clue, do you??? Seriously…. sit back… take a sip of whatever it is that makes you feel better… and think.. .think hard… think long… ( nice topic – oops, outside typing fingers again lol ) Think about it some more… Where you are today??? Do you like it??? It is where you thought you would be??? It is what you wanted??? Expected… desired??? I imagine not… It so rarely is… the thing you must think about is ,what exact events you chose, the Y’s in the road you took.. to get here.. to be sitting here.. reading…. not liking your life… Your mind is starting to go isn’t it… I can feel it, hear it.. can you? Can you feel the wheels turning inside… spinning like a hamster on a wheel inside your head??? Is it really that bad to think about those thoughts, those events that brought you here?? Let’s just say, you have had a really shitty week, month, year.. lost your house, car, mate… maybe a friend has exited your life.. You ARE thinking aren’t you… Do you know what you are thinking about?? I do.. It is all about the bad shit that happened to you to get you here to this very moment… Why is that?? Was it all bad?? I know there were some really fucked up events that happened.. that possibly you would do any bargaining in the world to change the outcome… But, do you see what you did, when I asked you the question??? You ONLY thought of the bad events in your life… the ones that seemed to stand out above any and all positives… that happened to you, your family, loved ones, friends… co workers.. What about the Positives…..Why are those times are so easy to over look… aren’t they?? Why is that?? Is it because we are programmed to be self absorbed, self focused and to dwell on and throw yourself our own pity parties?? Yes we are… and because of that we can really suck.. can’t we…

I feel that for every single shitty ass event that has ever happened in my entire life, for as far back as I can remember… a door slammed shut, a tear was cried… and a big door opened wide and a new opportunity happened and that new opportunity led me to the next sad moment that also opened a door and led me to a better opportunity… I, today, would NOT be the person I am and nor would you be whom you are without the bad events in our lives… What we as humans have to train ourselves is to not wallow in self pity, but instead, to open our eyes and see the opportunity that lies ahead of us and realize that we are who we are at this exact moment, the moment you sat down to read this because of every event and second in your life up to now… Those events made you whom you are… If you are currently in a fucked situation, know that it will be better and when you quit looking backwards and start looking forward, you will be amazed at how far you have come , survived and been through and know you are a better person for all the nasty ass times in life….

My glass in never half empty or half full… it is always running over… and so should yours… or shut your trap and figure it out… cuz those of us who choose the power of postive thinking… Do not need or want those of you who are always looking behind you in your life… to drag us backwards… Please make a change and look ahead.. it is great up there… Honey, don’t confuse what you just read… I didn’t say look up, you won’t find what you need lookng up… I said look ahead… It gets a lot fucking better ahead… Trust me…

Ciao Bella… Sarah B…

Art work of Gregory Hergert

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged blog, ciao bella, positive thinking, Sarahsviews, survived, WTF | Leave a Comment

Are You The Little Engine That Could???

Artist Gregory Hergert

So, as a child or parent, we all grew up and or passed along the wonderfully contradictory saying of the “Little Engine That Could”… or the Ant that carried the rubber tree plant.. same story concept… just different words… However as your spew these words to your little chicklets, while you put them to bed and read them this story… do you actually really listen to what you are reading??? I know, my grammar sucks, but you will get used to it… Do you understand the significance of what you are saying to those little sponges whom are sucking the lifeline right out of ya and stuck like glue to the side of you as you read to them… half of the time… interrupting and annoying the hell out of you… I will say if you won’t…the other half of the time, mesmerized and listening to how and what you are saying.. .they are listening… However, are you???

The reason I started off this blog with that paragraph was to bring to your attention that, as you begin to age, there comes a point when one day you wake up and realize that your life fucking sucks donkeys ass… Your life isn’t what you thought it would turn out to be… you aren’t whom you wanted to be…your job sucks big time…your boss is an asshole…you hate your spouse 75% of the time. Your damn chicklets you just had to have now make you unintentionally insane to the point where you long for peace and quiet and actually find yourself bargaining for it, you have started the habit of drinking a glass of wine while you look in the mirror with self loathing of yourself… Why is that??? What happened and more importantly, when did it happen??? At what point in “your” life, did you make that choice when you came the big ass “Y” in the road that led to where and who you are today??? Does it really matter… NO… it really doesn’t…

Do you realize that no matter where you are today.. no matter at what point you are in your life… unemployed, homeless, in a fucked jacked up relationship, broke dick ass poor, fat, in a shitty ass job, ( should I go on??? )… You are the one who put yourself there… you.. yes, baby, it was you… and no one else… You made those choices, you took the risk that got you here… Yeah, I know, it really sucks to hear it from someone else… doesn’t it??? Well, baby, we have all made those same lame choices, looked at our lives and hated everything about it and everyone in it … but you know what??? I mean, do you really have a fucking clue what is about to come next??? I didn’t think so…

Do you understand that as you look in the mirror hating yourself, tuning out the screaming children…wondering how you are going to stretch two nickels for dinner this evening??? Do you know what is so good about this moment??? This particular moment in time… Think… Come one… I didn’t say whine about it, I said, think about it… Think deep inside of yourself… think about what it was that you wanted… think about it and ask yourself this… Is it still important to you,those early yearnings… No??? Not so much… You are all grown up now -ouch- and maybe, some values and priorities have changed a bit??? OK… so let’s think about this again… What do “you “want??? What do you want at this very moment??? Come on, let’s be real… no lame ass statement like, I want to be on an island somewhere, cuz kitten, that ain’t happening… So, lets start small… What do you want in the here and now that would make you smile??? It is most likely something very simple… You know what it is…so why not just do it… don’t think… just act… OK…now, let’s go a bit further with this… where do you want to be in a 3 months… step back and think and please get off the fucking island, cuz it ain’t happening baby and you aren’t going… at least not right now… But we both know that you do actually have something in your head, right??? For ust a brief second, something satisfying flashed through your head, that was and is totally realistic and something that you can achieve in 3 months… So, stop reading this and go write it down… Are you done… OK… how did it feel to write it down??? When you put it in writing it. did it make it feel more realistic… achievable… Now take it and place it somewhere where you will see it every single day… Here is the hard part, you need to think about how you are going to do it and achieve it… So, set your little engine of a mind going and you can achieve it… and you will… After all, you are the little engine that could… Only though if allow yourself to be that and quit putting up your own barriers and road blocks…. By doing so, you will be in a new mental place in no time at all… We can all do anything we set our minds to if we really want to and try… If we fail…we have no one else to blame but ourselves… however, should that happen, we can pick our asses back up and we will do it again and again and agin until we get it right beautiful… That is what it is all about.. Trying… so now, you go and try and you be the Little Engine that Could… Practice what you Preach Bella…

Ciao for now… Sarah B..

Artist Gregory Hergert

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged age, drinking, engine, positive, sucks, wine | Leave a Comment

Bag Type DD: OH What A HO HO HO…

Bag Type DD: OH what a HO HO HO… At least I didn’t say fun bags… But really, do I need to say anything else??? Oh what a Ho… What could I possibly mean by this statement??? HO HO HO… as in Merry Fucking Christmas??? Or …. do I mean, Ho Ho Ho… as in, Hey Kitten, you better just get yourself on down to the nearest street corner and starting making a few bucks, cuz sweet cheeks, the Rent is due and the babies need some food on the table!!! After all we keep hearing we are in a recession or depression… Right??? How many times have I heard recently that someone could make more money on their knees than siting on that wide spread of an ass behind a desk or pumping gas???

Think about it Honey, in every down a depressed economy, the sales of make up go Up…Up… and oh yeah… UP!!! Do you think it is to make one feel better about themselves??? Seriously, you can’t be that naive… Are you??? I highly doubt it… Not only does make up sales go up, but also the sale of precious beloved alcohol goes up… (I have helped contribute to that one sugar!!! ) I guess for those of you are sheep or want to live in your little four corners of your world and ignore what is going on, then you can assume that one is simply buying “make up” to make themselves feel better and the “alcohol” to take the stress of the day away as they sit and veg out the TV news and media… and pretend while they sit in their chair all made up with no money to go out and sitting by themselves with a glass of wine or a shot of vodka… on the rocks… that everything in the world is perfect and wonderful… NOT!!!

I mean really, do they LOVE their jobs right??? Do they think their spouses don’t cheat and their kids don’t whine all that much… Really??? Fuck no, that is bullshit baby, that is a life of a dreamer and of someone who is living in a delusional world, a life of unreality or as we used to say… The life of Riley!!! They are unrealistic to what is really going on… However, put all that aside and accept the fact that we ”must” be realistic to what is really going on in the world and accept the fact that the average person is out there daily, fighting for their share of corner time over the well seasoned working girl, they are busting down the front door of their new pimp daddy so they can get a sign on bonus to pay the rent… OK.. well, maybe they aren’t actually on a corner pushing the true “first entrepreneur” off, but… they are doing things that they would have never considered themselves capable of doing a year ago… because in these times, honey… the motto is “by hook or crook”…

In our time right now, they will do things that they once consider to be beneath them… or thought they would never have to do again… because they thought they had finally achieved what they deemed a stable life… Well, Sweet Cheeks… It is time to wake up and work your lame ass, the good ole days are gone and they won’t be returning anytime soon, so we all gotta step it up, step out and put on a bit of extra lip stick or in my case, chap stick… Take a BIG swig from that bottle and get on our own corner and work it baby, work it good and if you need to… then get on your knees and do what it takes to make it work… Don’t be shy!!! Shyness will get you no where in life and it won’t pay your bills baby…

After all…. Bag Type DD: OH What A HO HO HO can mean many different things… Only you can let your imagination take it the right or wrong direction… My theory is do what or whoever it takes baby to make it and answer only to yourself…

Ciao, Sarah B – Bag Type DD…

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged DD, depression, entrepeneur, fuck, kitten, lip stick. HO, merry christmas, recession | 1 Comment

e-Homely.com will take you when e-Harmony won’t…

First off…there is no such thing as an e-Homely.com so don’t get your panties all in a tight little wad because you just read the title… cuz either two things just happened when you read the title… You laughed your little jelly ass right off or… you said… Really??? Where do I sign up??? How much does it cost and this is ONE sight I don’t mind posting a “real picture” of myself on… Woo Hoo… e-Homely.com baby, here I come!!! I mean I would post my picture on this site… if it really existed… I am not saying that I am an overly homely person … but I am also not saying I am not a stunning beauty either… I mean, come on… this is SarahB…

So lets take this a step further… If you have ever sat down and watched the Ads on TV for these websites, you should have noticed that the only people they advertise a happy success stories on these sites are all pretty or adorable??? Both the Men and the Women!!! My first thought as I am watching this is… WTF??? Why would you put these model looking people on TV commercials for these websites to get the “average” person to get up and walk over to their computer, give up the cash on the credit card??? Hello… I don’t want to burst your bubble little muffin tops… but if you haven’t noticed most of us do not quite look like those women on TV with perfect hair, pretty smiles… perky breasts, asses and all of 25 years old, while it is also apparent that the men have spent half of their days for the past 7 years working out and still have hair??? Why do these people need to join a dating site to hook up??? Did I miss that step in my 20′s and went directly to marriage??? Gasp!!! No wonder it didn’t work out… it had nothing to do with the fact that I am sarcastic bitch… I wasn’t hooked up with the right mate that matched me to 25 compatible life changing points… to ensure me a life time of Happy Happy - Joy Joy… Shit… I could have saved myself some grief, money and of course found my soul mate…boy am I am idiot… not!!!

However… I think there should be a site for real people… we may not need to call it e-Homely.com but maybe something like… Website hook up for the Average Joe and the tag lines can be… Hey, I got a few kids hanging around the house and a few extra pounds on my thighs… but I am still a pretty OK person, who will always be there… or my hair has moved to my back…but the quantity is still the same and I guarantee you wont’ get cold at night or sleep alone… There should be a site that is dedicated to real people where they can actually feel comfortable enough to post not their college pic or the one that they had a good friend take at the perfect angle that gives you the illusion they are 110lbs…which is retarded … but instead you post pics of you taken within the last 6 months with your kids, exes, dogs, cats etc… ,one that isn’t of just your head, but shows that muffin or in some cases… muffins that are tagging along with you… or the one that show the actual amount of hair you don’t have… like women really give a shit about hair on men… Instead of being a CEO you can tell the truth and say, I am one broke ass dick cuz I got nailed by my ex in divorce court, I got child support for the next 8 years, my house ain’t much, but it is mine and I work hard at the factory for a living… It should be real and not fluff… This site should have a “what is your baggage” section and it should be filled out truthfully as we all have baggage… and when they say none… Then the site can automatically redirect them to e-Harmony or Match.com where they can say all the lies they want and look for a 10 when they are barely a 3… LOL… I bet if there were a real site for real people… it would be number 1 and what I would consider a “cash cow”… MOO… doesn’t always mean FatAss…It can also mean the sound of cash being stuffed into my bank account… I need to hurry and start a website!!!

Ciao Bella… Sarah B… a 5.50… LOL!!!

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged e-harmony, happy happy joy joy, homely, match.com, mufin top, WTF | 10 Comments

Check your Ego at the door… Please!!!

Baaaa Baaaa Hello….Hello… Just who the Fuck do you think you are??? I don’t think you know and I am pretty damn sure none of us want to know either… What??? I can’t hear you… No, that does not mean say it again, idiot… it simply means “shut the fuck up” !!! Oh yeah, I said that and better yet babycakes… I said it to you!!! Yes… you… I know it is hard for you to accept that I would say such a thing to you… I mean after all… it is You!!! The one and only you… “You” are the person who requires us to expand our doorways before you enter… you are the one who requires us to stand beneath the shadow of your greatness, to pause and listen when you speak… to follow you from here and there… like sheep being led around by our noses and empty heads…

Well sweet cheeks… You really aren’t ALL that… I know, shocking… How can I say such a thing to YOU??? The infamous you… I mean, after all… This is YOU we are talking about… or shall I say, you are talking about!!! You spend so much time talking about you and what you are and what you do and what you think you are and how wonderful it is to be you and how we should all be so damn grateful to know the “one and only you”!!! WTF Ever…

Well beautiful… I hate to be the one to make you wake up all sticky in a wet puddle… but you really aren’t all that… Ohhh, I am sorry… did I piss in you Wheaties??? Did I rain on your parade??? Did I take the wind out of your sails??? Guess what??? Too fucking bad… get over your lame ass… cuz you know what??? The doorways into this world are not about to be widened for the likes of you or your kind to walk through… In fact, the last time I looked there was nothing more special about you than anyone else or myself for that matter… You are not going to get me to bend over back wards for you and no one should bend over backwards for you or worse yet… bend over at all and take it where the sun doesn’t shine baby… because you haven’t got anything that special to make or cause anyone to need or want to do that… I know….Shocking!!! You simply aren’t that great or unique… No one will stand beneath your shadow of what you think is greatness as I am fairly certain that shadow is nothing more that a few extra pounds of flesh you are carrying around because you are really an insecure little piece of work that has over indulged themselves on gluttony of the life line of others… Your shadow smells of bad body odor and reeks of the followers that are really sheep you have led to slaughter for your own guiltless pleasure…

Well now you should listen for just a few… maybe you haven’t figured it out yet… but in this house… no one here are sheep and you are not that special… you are simply nothing at all… no different from the rest of us… so no door ways will be widened to allow you through… in fact, at this house baby… you can “check your ego at the door” or take your lame sorry ass down the street where someone with low self-esteem is in need of a God to follow…will eagerly become your next tool pawn in your game…We follow no one here, but ourselves … perhaps you should give it a try… If not… take your God complex outta here and on down the way… baby… go find an alter to build to yourself or shall we say your Ego… there will always be another of like your kind as soon as we get rid of you… as well as those who will want to follow you … as this world is made up of Egos and Sheeps… too bad and so sad that people feel as though they must be one or the other to fit in… Oh well… Sarah B doesn’t want to fit in and those who believe in themselves should not as well…

Ciao Bella… a humble Sarah B…

No sheep here sister!

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged ego, god complex, sheep, WTF | 14 Comments

Hello there… Sarah B here… Got a moment???

Hello to all…I am Sarah B and you probably have been receiving my Blogs for a while now as I am coming up on one year of writing them in November… I find different topics bring different readers and if you are taking the time to read them… Then you must be as off kilter as I am… for me to write them… and for you to comment on them… you must get them… So sad, yet so fun… I am someone who will actually “write out loud”… what often crosses your mind… Yet you don’t the balls or lack the couth to verbally say it not only out loud, but most times to anyone other than that special person inside your head… You know who I am talking about… right??? We all got one baby… it is just a matter of if you are willing to admit it and let that special person out… or keep that person on lock down in side your head…

My suggestion is to slowly unlock that person inside your little peanut head… let them out from time to time and you will find life can be a bit more entertaining and a whole lot more fun!!! Sarah B likes to let that person out on a daily basis and take em for a walk thru any public place and then will write about those experiences… The world is full of humor… both Dark and Bright… Clean and Gutter… However… the real world is what Sarah B likes to write about… If you feel that you need fluff and buff this is not the “blog” for you… There is no fluff or buff when I talk about someone’s big ole cracker jack ass… And honey… look around and you will see lots of that once you take those damn rose color glasses off and start seeing things for how they really are… Life isn’t fluff… it is more buff and it is the buff that is a hell of a lot more fun if you just let yourself enjoy it…and laugh about it!!!

I really wanted to take a moment to introduce myself for those of you from Twitter, Facebook and forwards that are starting to see the blog… It is not a PC Blog… as the fucking word is NOT PC Baby… if you think it is… then you should read further into some of the past blogs that have been written… take a drive to the local Mall, Wal-Mart or even down the local Grocery store and really look around, pull your head outta your ass and your own self-absorbed world and open those ears and eyes baby and enjoy the freak show of the real world… you don’t need to turn on the TV for reality TV… it surrounds you and that is fun and it is what makes Sarah B Tick and write… You… cuz you are part of that world!!! So, don’t be surprised if at some point in reading one of my blogs… you have to stop and think… Hey… WTF… I did that today… was that little bitch hanging over my shoulder and writing about me??? Perfect me??? Damn her… LOL… that is half the fun… learning to except that you are NO different than the rest of us and the real world… I just put it out there for the rest of us to laugh you for it!!! After all, I am Sarah B… So please take a few minutes and share some your thoughts and I will write about it and it will be fun and you may or may not like the spin… but one thing is for sure… Someone will and someone will be sitting back laughing their fucking asses off secretly admitting to themselves…that they do that same thing or have done it..

So, now you know just a tiny bit about this Blog… just enough to peak your interest… However… what I really want is to hear about your day!!! Everyone is interesting and has something fun to share… My job is to put it out there… So share…

Ciao

Sarah B

The Sarah B Crew

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged PC, Rose Color Glasses, Sarah B, WTF | 13 Comments

You two have choices… Take it… Or… Leave it…

It has been brought to my attention recently by a very smug Asshole.. (oops… outside fingers again!!!) That there are only two choices… They are “Take It or Leave It”… WTF is that all about??? I mean for real… Take it??? What are we supposed to take and what are we ”taking it” with… A nice jar of something to play slip and slide with??? That can be an interesting ride… A shot of whiskey??? Or do did they mean, take it from where ever we could get it from…. It that is the case… Then I am still confused as to what it is that we are supposed to take… Hello… Please clue me in… If I am going to take it, then I want it with a glass of wine… ( of course ) but in my neighborhood baby cakes, we don’t have nice glasses of wine… we happen to have some gut rock lame ass… sweet pink shit you get down at the corner store and because your broke ass doesn’t have a car to drive yourself to the store and your neighbors run and hide when they see you walking their way… there simply are no other options for you but to walk on up to the store and pay twice as much as you would if you could drive and buy the “sweet” pink shit so you can take it… Shit baby, I am still confused as to what the fuck you are taking??? Oh.. shit man …I am really freaking slow… it is all of the above…

You are taking it because your ass is so lame, that you don’t have any other options baby…. you gotta get the slip and slide stuff out, grab the big jug of pink shit… pour it into your “big gulp” cup and swallow…A lot…cuz… you are about to take it… and it is the only way you are gonna get it… Enjoy…( I think??? ) I will take a pass on the ride you are on and see what “leave it” is all about…

Leave it… Leave it…Leave it… Hmm…. I am not feeeeling it!!! What is being left??? Who is being left??? WTF am I supposed to leave??? Leave what??? Take it or Leave it… Well, we know that “take it” sure as hell doesn’t sound like anything but a slippery ride down south with some pink shit to numb you up… So… leave it must be… the opposite??? Don’t buy into the slip and slide ride and instead choose to leave it behind and make the choice to …what??? Leave…the excuses behind… leave the fears of failure behind and leave the bad habits behind… So… “Leave It” could mean… actually leaving behind all the things in your life that stop your from moving forward and succeeding and achieving your dreams and goals… and if you don’t “Leave It” then you will be forced to “Take It”… and just what does that get you in life… no where and that sounds pretty fucking miserable sweet cheeks…

Choices are yours and yours only… You can Take it or Leave it… Whatcha gonna do baby??? I am leaving it and moving on down the line to find that something that you can’t find in life by taking it… After all you are the only one who is responsible for your own actions… you can take the slippery road or you can make your own way… and leave it behind… care to join me???

Ciao Bella…. Boring Sarah B today…

I am Leaving It!

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged take it, whiskey, wine, WTF | 6 Comments

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when…

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when your friends tell you that you whine like a little bitch starting her period… yet you are a 37-year-old man… that just simply hasn’t figured out that the lotion isn’t really working for the motion and that in order to get some… you gotta step out to go get it out… Pansy Ass… get off the net and go out and meet a real woman or at least invest in a … oh never mind!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when you go to the gym and get on the treadmill and put it on 2.8 speed… Hold on to the handles like you are gonna fall off… sweat like you are in the sauna and turn on the Home and Garden channel…while the Chickie Poo next to you has it on…. 6.0… is running on mile 9 and watching ESPN and dripping sweat all down her body… and all you notice is the fact that the colors on the wall of the house on TV are sooo wrong… Pansy Ass… Hello… can you not see the sweat dripping between her cleavage??? Idiot!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when the elevator sign at work is out-of-order and you have to carry your lame ass up two flights of stairs, while trying not to spill your Starbucks Venti Mocha with extra whip cream and low fat muffin… while the person who works three floors up jaunts up the stairs past you and you are starting to pit out… Pansy Ass… get your ass to the gym!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when you would rather sit in the house all weekend long watching reruns of Will & Grace on TV instead of going outside and getting some sun on those ugly ass white legs and actually working up a sweat doing something.. because we know you aren’t gonna be doing “someone”… Pansy Ass… get off your ass and do something… Please.. cover those legs up!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when your wife has to go to the store to buy you some hemorrhoid medicine cuz you just can’t take the pain.. OMFG!!!!! Are you kidding me… she squirted out a freaking thing the size of a watermelon in the morning, cleaned house that afternoon and still had to run to the store to fix your ass…. Pansy Ass… in so many ways.. I can’t even begin describe!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when your older friends can kick your ass all over the place on the court… they have to allow you get a basket… and have to avoid the sweat piles you are leaving so they don’t slip and fall… everywhere… Can you say… Outta shape Pansy Ass??? Hello…they call it a “gym”… go find one!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when you think you can still go all night long and you don’t realize your partner is asleep until you wake up with her on top of you drooling across your chest and snoring… cuz your ass couldn’t be on top to do the job… OMG..that is so wrong… You are the ultimate Pansy Ass!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when you actually think your mullet looks good with your new perm and highlights… and your gold chain, gold nugget ring and you glue a fake diamond on your front tooth…so you think you are a stud… No you Pansy Ass…that is called having NO friends to teach you any better or NO mirror in your house… Go get some new friends, a mirror and invest $10 at Super Cuts!!!

OK… Sarah B… typically doesn’t single out a gender.. but WTF… it fit and was fun… I will get the women next time around, but they are sooo whiny I just couldn’t deal with them today… if you feel you have been male bashed…then I accomplished my goal for the day …. so shut up “Pansy Ass”!!!

Ciao Bella… Sarah B… feeling a wee bit bitchy today…

Sarah is NO Pansy Ass!

The Bitch Crew

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged mocha, mullet, OMFG, omg, pansy ass, WTF | 7 Comments

Do you wear Wine Goggles??? I do!!!

As we all know… from years of hearing it… there is a term we are all familiar with… “Beer Goggles”… For those of you stuck under a moss covered rock and for some lame ass reason, not familiar with the term beer goggles… The easiest way for me to give you the shortest explanation is the following… Have ugly girlfriend or family member that is either married or with “child” and you wonder….WTF??? How the fuck did she get someone or …. I don’t need to go any farther… Simple explanation… She see’s the victim… plies him with “Beer”… takes him home… Now should her goal simply to be get “knocked up” then it will be a quickie… wait.. he has been drinking… so a long night ahead… but once mission accomplished, he wakes up… frightened.. gathers his clothes and leaves and you get to be an Aunt or babysitter… However, should she be trying to land a mate… the tactic is much different… she has about 27 cases of beer in her house… 12 six packs in the fridge at all times… same thing above happens… however she gets up before he does…. and has a beer by the bed with a love note… saying…this will help your head… while I shower… more in the fridge… this repeats until the day after the wedding… OK… as she is now “with child” and the rest is history… Beer Goggles have ruined many a good mans life! Too bad so sad.. you fucking idiot!!! You clearly allowed the beer goggles to conrol the thinking head….

Now… “Wine Goggles” are of a whole different beast…. oh but what a fun, totally trashy, beast they are… I love my wine goggles… I cherish them and relish every damn moment that I have the opportunity to use them.. My wine google are like Superman’s X-ray vision goggles…. they give me and all my ”girlies” the power to do…WTF ( oh hell… as Miss Jaz T. would say… why not spell it out!!) What The Fuck EVER…we want to do it… Now…where shall we start??? The stories and list are so long.. not as long as something fun I could use right now as I am drinking a glass of wine… oops.. was that my outside typing fingers again??? Oh well…. we will chalk that up to “wine goggles”… now to be known as WG… Got your WG??? Got Milk is boring…. but But WG…well sister… that is a hell of a lot more fun… don’t ya think…

WG gives us power that is well above the power of Beer Goggles… Trust me sister on this on… Put on your WG’s and you can and WILL do anything… I mean anything… what you can do is… pick up your closest friend and head over to a local wine bar ( of course.. what else ) order up some wine… have a glass or 4 and verbally abuse the male servers. close patrons and or bartender and ask them to come and table dance for you… I swear under the oath of “god” (LMFAO cuz there ain’t no one named god in my book )…. that I have or my best girlies have never done that… However… we have been known to put on our WG’s…. in the heat of summer… being smart enough to know we could or should not drive to the store…walk to the store.. buy a few MORE bottles of wine.. walk home..sit on the porch and insist the neighbors whom have come over to see that things are ok… since I guess our loud trashy asses are too loud… and insist they take their shirts off to show us how hot they are… OK… we had the WG’s on.. but the lame asses, actually showed us… That required more wine… to forget the sight… omfg… I / we will never ask a neighbor to “expose” any body part ever again.. why you ask??? Not cuz he was not even worth seeing WG’s or not… come on now…help me here… He is the “fucking” neighbor!!! Meaning… the next time you see him…he wants to show you his chest for fun when you pass each other in the morning on your way to work… and now not even a good stiff cup of coffee can get that image outta of your mind… so you might as well… just realized you are fucked with him without ever getting fucked…. damn…nothing like a dry boring …!!!

WG’s have been known to take a “shopping” road trip… Oh yeah!!! Did you ever wonder how that “odd” non matching piece of furniture or that fucking retarded piece of clothing, that only a 20 year old size zero would wear is now hanging in your closet… after you modeled it… while still under the influences of WG to your other half… and please remember…this sheer piece of material was designed for a size ZERO… you idiot… and you …. shall, I say… are a few digits away from that… well.. OK.. maybe more than a few… However under the effects of WG….wtf do you care??? You thought it fit and looked cute at that moment and the damn dirty ass bastard you are living with better damn well appreciate it… asshole!!! Besides the shopping trips… and asking strangers to strip… Please keep in mind that our “WG’s” do not ever require us to crawl under covers with anyone… WG’s… are different… they offer a different type of confidence such as… making calls you would never do, sending emails…that you vaguely remember when you wake up and are horrified when you check your sent file… fuck… damn….oh well… time to start thinking up your story to cover your once again lame ass… you have the confidence to do and say way more than you can follow thru on… as my family says… “your mouth is saying…way more than your ass can cover… So…I want to hear your WG stories…

Send them to Sarah B with your WG’s on…so we can laugh at you together…

Ciao Bella… WG….ghetto ass white trash Miss Sarah B… At least for today’s Blog…

WG Crew..bella!!

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged beer, lame, wine, WTF | 1 Comment

WTF… The Zen of Saracasm.. Let Me Put A Spin On It!

So…. recently some dumb ass sent me this email called “The Zen of Saracasm” … Ok…so has this idiot NOT read any of Sarahs Blogs??? I mean… I may not always be “happy happy joy joy” but on the sarcasm level… I feel as though I can hold my own.. So, let’s see what the “Ball Brothers” felt the need to forward on and what I think the true response is… but for the record… I am waiting for Marvin to come back and play… I hope we didn’t scare his cracker ass off… Oh well…

Mr. BS..( this is what we shall call him, cuz he is full of shit!!! ) says… If nobody cares you are alive… try missing a few car payments… Sarah thinks that since Mr. BS has brought up this topic… He is about to have his car repossessed and has quit answering his phone… If Mr.BS were smart…he would never apply for credit with “actual” addresses he uses…dumb ass.. they find you that way… you are an idiot… you deserve to lose your car!

Mr.BS says… Give a man a fish and he will eat all day… Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day… Sarah says…. 2 things… First… Fish…smell’s fishy… and he should recommend his woman take a shower… Ooh… second….he sits in a boat and drinks all day??? Well…. who the fuck cares…. he clearly serves no real purpose….let him be and move on… He doesn’t want to work and your stupid ass taught him how to fish.. so shut the fuck up and get over it!

Mr.BS says… If you lend someone $20 and never see them again… It was a pretty wise investment… Sarah says…. You think??? In fact I bet you gave that $20 to a family member… cuz I have always heard if you need a good screw… go to family…. In fact, I have an Aunt… I have dubbed $20! So quit your bitching, we are tired of your whining… you gave the $20!

Dumb Ass Mr. BS says… ( this is exceptionally classic!)…. Some days you are the Bug and sometimes you are the windshield… Sarah says… you know idiot… you can’t see a fucking car coming toward you… then you deserve to be a bug… You know what that is called??? Thinning out the herd!! And sunshine… you have just been thinned! Ahhh… I can feel the ZEN arriving now…. yes… more air…

Oh, Mr. Bright BS says… There are two theories to arguing with a women. Neither one will work… Sarah says… been that long since you were laid??? Try agreeing with her and she will put out… argue with her as you continue to do… and you will keep those BB’s!

Wow….this one is good… I think… Mr. BS says… NEVER under any circumstances… take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night before going to bed… Sarah says… hey dumb ass.. if you can’t tell you are about to have a special moment… then a sleeping pill won’t matter… you have just been fortunate enough to be awake during those times… We know you drink and all that special shit… so quit blaming your age on your “special issues”….. ever heard the term TMI… wait… you are old… that means… slowly… ” Too Much Information”…. keep your crap to yourself! We aren’t interested baby cakes..

OK…. This one is a stretch… Mr.. BS says… Generally speaking… you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving… Sarah says… LOOK dumb ass… do you want a BJ or do you want to talk… make up your mind… OH..wait… do we need some “blue” pills or would you prefer to hang out with Sarah B and have a glass of wine and think about me shutting the fuck up…

Sarah says… where is Marvin…. Mr.. BS needs to get better at this!!

Ciao Bella… Your “talking.. not blowing” Sarah B….

The Bitch Crew

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged BS, dumb ass, happy, joy, saracasm, zen | 1 Comment

Who are we today… Lisa Bright or Lisa Dark???

You just gotta fucking love the mood swings of the average person that you interact with on a day to day basis, don’t you??? I mean really, isn’t it fun to go to work one morning and meet Lisa Bright and within 30 fucking stupid ass minutes… the ugly head of Lisa Dark appears??? Have you ever met Lisa Dark??? As overheard a 5 year old saying the other day while trying to lift something… Jesus H…before I shut him down.. However, he hit it right on the fucking head….Christ all mighty!!!! Lisa Dark is a fucking pain in the ass… to me and anyone within 100 yards of them.

Lisa Dark can be in the middle of a fairly normal conversation… event… whatever and go from a “Happy Happy - Joy Joy” person to a raging “dick” or “bitch” in zero to 5.5 seconds and without cause or provocation.. I hate Lisa Dark… I don’t mean that I truly hate this individual.. but I hate how this person can ruin your day, ruin your week, make you feel like shit and be so totally completely self absorbed in themselves that they are totally unaware of the path of destruction they have just caused with a callous cruel unthinking cold ass remark or remarks… Often they feel they are typically superior to you or anyone you may be talking about or working with… Lisa Dark needs some fucking Prozac, Zoloft, Valium or any mother F’ng thing to pull their totally self absorbed head ouf of their ass and come back to earth and realize they are NOT the only person in the world…and honeslty sometimes, they just aren’t that special…. Ouch!! They are not the only people dealing with drama, finances or life… They need to realize they have not been singled out as this particular moment in time and I really don’t want to hear about what a martyr they are… Lisa Dark needs to go back under the red rock they crawled out from.. So, I can take a larger rock, place it on top and not allow this dreadfully miserable person to come back…

I want to deal with Lisa Bright… However people whom allow Lisa Dark to come out, they hate Lisa Bright or the Lisa Brights of the world.. they hate them with every ounce of their beings… because they themselves are miserable people.. Lisa Bright confuse them.. even when they themselves are basically Lisa Brights… they don’t know how to handle an upbeat person or group of people whom find the positive in life even when life is at it’s worst… they do not like this… it is not in-balance with their self imposed pity party… Lisa Brights.. instead look for good, seek good and focus on the good.. They want to surround themselves with good and will go out of their way to do good for whomever they can, including the Lisa Darks of the world…

Oh Lisa Darks… if I could say anything to you.. it would be to open your eyes… open them wide, before it is too late.. before you push everyone and everything away… Oh Lisa Dark… what makes you so unhappy… that when you have happiness, you push hard to push it away to the point of making you and everyone that is around you miserable… Please… Please… Put Lisa Dark away… it is only eating away at you for no reason… put it BACK under the rock it crawled out from… You are a good person and you deserve to be a Lisa Bright and to surround yourself with others who want happiness, positives and who want to enjoy life… do not let the succubus of Lisa Dark or the Lisa Darks of the world ruin you and everything around you.. Let the light shine in… It may be be bright and it really isn’t that bad and if it is a bit tough at first; then put on some fucking sun glasses… and get the fuck over it… because the rest of sure as hell are….

Lisa Bright…come out ….come out… wherever you are… we are waiting…

Ciao Bella Sarah B….

Lisa Dark Baby

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged ass, happy, lisa bright, lisa dark, moods, positive | 2 Comments

By the Grace of God… Yeah.. WTF ever…

So often you hear this exact phrase… ” By the Grace of God” or I pray to God that…. Or Pray for me… Or.. Or.. Or.. Just what does By the Grace of God really mean?

Does it mean that God, whom I am going to assumed is named Grace or some where along the line, is exceptionally Graceful has parted the fluffy white clouds and extend his White hand.. and wrapped his protective hand around you to…. Grace and Protect you. LOL… OK.. what moron really believes bullshit like that? I love this one too… I pray to God.. you pray to god for what? Really, what are you praying to God for? Do you think you are so “ special” that if you take 1 minute out of your messed up day that seems to be falling apart that you feel you must grasp for something to bail your sorry lame out? So, you pray to God.. God will fix it.. God will fix whatever stupid mistake you have gotten yourself into.

You haven’t prayed for the majority of your life, you are pretty wrapped up in all the good things going on for you 99% of the time.. Until that one pathetic day when things just don’t really add up the way you want them too.. you don’t get what you want.. you don’t get to have your way.. so.. you have exhausted all your friends, bank accounts and co workers, you have warn out your welcome with everyone.. they are sick of your whining about how bad you have it … when really you have it better than 99.99% of the rest of the world.. So… you Pray to God to fix your problem.. you are just so special.. we are all fortunate enough to know you and we can’t wait to see when the miracle or miracles happen and your God comes down to bail you out of whatever little jam that isn’t anything to the rest of us.. is all taken care of.. you are my jack of religious person….

Now we have the Pray for me group.. Pray for me.. why? Please tell me why am I praying for you? What do you need me to pray for? Better hair? Less debt? Nicer house, car or clothes. Bigger tits, spouse not fucking around on you? I am confused.. Your kids are healthy, your family healthy, you have a job… you have food on the table and a roof over your head… so.. please tell me why I should pray for you? You give me a good enough reason why I should take a moment out of my day to stop and forget about the wars, the murders, the dying children and the homeless and Pray for you.. when you can tell me why you are so important that I should Pray for you and make sure your minor problems is solved, well honey..of course, I will pray for you.. right after I take care of figuring out why there are no roofs over the heads of those who are cold, hungry.. why abused children aren’t taken away from bad parents and why kids end up on the street.. when I can help figure those events out, then I will pray for you and your problem that makes you feel so despondent and self absorbed that not only do you ask for the assistance of someone whose true job if you believe in religion isn’t to bail your sorry ass out, but provide you with the tools to learn to take care of yourself second and others first… but when I find a spare moment.. I will stop.. and pray to a belief system, created, to allow those who refuse to take any accountability for their own actions and instead pass the buck or should we say the bible that allows them to continue on as sheep… while rest of us are mules.. working our asses off and they continue to graze through life…

If you really understood the true meaning of a higher being and or why organized religion was created… you would not toss such phrases around so loosely. I will pray for you… LOL.. NOT … I will not pray for you nor will I ask you to pray for me… neither one of us are just that special.. So get a grip, grow up and take accountability for yourself, your own actions and your responsiblities.. It is you and only you are responsible and can make or break yourself. You create your own success and your own failures.. Not your God. Too many people throw those terms around without having a clue what they truly mean and are asking for.

Ciao… Sarah B

Sarah B

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged God, grace of god, pray, responsible | 7 Comments

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