SarahsViews Blog

Sarahs Views on the World

Archive for the month “March, 2012”

21 Mar 2012
3 Comments

A Little Vino Please…

Recently, while taking a much needed mental break from my office, a girlie friend and I decided to take a break, enjoy the cold winter sun and walk to the local wine bar up the street..  Seriously, we were the only two working that day, it was hot, no phones ringing.. so what the hell was the harm in it?  To the average adult female, not a god damn thing, but to the the typical tight ass bitch, who can’t think without a man or a god telling them what is right or wrong.. well that bitch would rot in the same hell she has spend her “stepford wife” life trying to avoid.. ahh… but really, when down deep, we all know she really wants to experience letting it all go, doing WTF ever she really wants to and not have to feel guilt or panic that she may go to hell, that her kids should smell a tad bit of relaxation on her breath or worse yet her ball and chain… Oh… oops, I meant her “husband”… because in religion, she really isn’t much more than a breeder, house servant and the occasional…oh why do I even need to go there… so.. .We trek our little asses up the street in the early afternoon to a wonderful little wine bar with intentions of having a nice appetizer and a glass of Fume Blanc… light, crisp and refreshing…  It is nice, the sun is out, the sliding wall doors are open for indoor and out door relaxation… we are all of 5 minutes from work…

Cell phones are at our desk… Work is left behind.. ahh.. Some “OK” fume blanc is on the chalk board written menu… Ahhh… as we enter we hear the chatter.. the pitter patter of little feet or should we say little mouths!!!  Lots and lots of little mouths… It is a flipping wine bar for Christ sake at 12:30 in the freaking afternoon… isn’t there a sign somewhere that says “no short noisy “ talky talky ” people allowed in…  No???? Why the hell not???  Oh… well, after standing line for a good 7 to 9 minutes while this “mother” allowed her 6 & 8 year old daughters first order whatever they wanted to eat.. then the mother talked to them as though they were adults… My friend could sense my annoyance and my mouth begun to utter the uselessness not of the children, after all they are only children, but of the mother.. whom clearly doesn’t work and whose only level of communication is with that of 6 & 8 year olds….  I make it a point to tell my companion that where ever they sat, I wanted to be on the opposite end of the place… she agreed and was beginning to fidget herself with annoyance… while this is all going on, we have both spotted the wine list,  written in chalk and calling our names… The more the mother talked like a 6 year old… the louder the wine called us… Hogue ( not that bad  ) Fume Blanc… I could feel the first sip go down while standing in line… Eagerly I thought of sitting in quiet, with my friend as far from the noise so we could take 30 minutes, relax, not discuss the bullshit of work  or the day but instead focus on making fun of all the idiots at the wine bar in the middle of teh day… Ahh.. the sound of the children walking farther and father away with their “mama”…

Finally we are at the bar, waiting for our turn to order…  My credit card out… when a very nice, large, important server took our order.. how did I know she was important..well of course it was because she had a “blue tooth” on her ear.. she was just fucking special.. so special that while working.. she would take personal phone calls… Imagine if you will, that… a rather large woman of over 250 pounds and at least 5″10″ tall…with one arm full of tatoos and the makeup of the 1980′s and hair of the 1990′s… stands next to your table and you order a glass of wine and she starts to write it down and then in mid stride…says, what the hell do you mean, you can’t pick me up after my shift?  WTF???  You are sitting there thinking to yourself.. I know I am on my second.. maybe 3rd glass of wine.. but at no point do I remember offering to take her home… you say pardon me… she looks at you annoyed because after all you are interrupting her call… and holds up her hand to you as if to say… excuse me, this is important.. she points to her ear.. as though you do not see the black growth on the side of her face the randomly beeps a light at you… she is put out that you had the nerve to interrupt her.. you wait patiently…wait…wait…and oh wait..then she lets her caller know what a piece of shit he is.. and that she will take the bus… Oh…let’s toss in a bit of guilt… and screw you… and ends the call.. what I can not figure out is how she ends the call.. I don’t see her hang up anything…. oh well..  maybe now she will get back to taking your order or maybe not.. because now she will have to step all over her dick if she had one… maybe she does…I am not quite sure at this point and will apologize to you about that incident you just witnessed… LIKE YOU REALLY GIVE A FLYING FUCK!!!  ALL YOU WANT IS A FUCKING GOD DAMN GLASS OF WINE AND NOW DUE TO THIS BITCH.. YOU WANT TWO GLASSES!!!… however, you are not a bitch..yet.. you instead.. politely tell her no worries… and that of course leads her to believe she can talk more to you on a personal level… however.. she finally shuts the fuck up…  you order your wine… finally… she brings you the wrong one… all while talking back to her loser boyfriend about a ride once again.. like anyone one wants to really “ride” her wide load!!!

Did I digress??? Shit,   Sorry… so this person is now taking my order at counter…  I anxiously whip out my credit card…. stand there patiently… she once again has the blue tooth thing in her ear….  I say… we would love two glasses of Fume Blanc please, the Hogue.. stunned, confused.. she searches the register….  up.. down.. around..Hmm.. what wine did you want again.. feigning politeness.. I repeat.. the Hogue – Fume Blanc, white wine?  The one over there written on the chalk board… she looks at the board… clearly needing glasses.. strains…. to see what is written.. what was it again?  It is now becoming increasingly more difficult for me to tune out the screaming children.. the mother talking like a 6 year old and the 1980′s, goth, tattooed.. blue tooth wearing…dumb as a freaking sack of rocks server whom can’t tell the difference between white or red wine let alone where the hell to find it on the freaking register… my smile falters.. my friend elbows.. me, slowly I began to retract my extended credit card… she, the waitress, server, whatever the hell her job was… stammers some more.. what was the wine?  FUME BLANC by HOGUE… see????  You have it WRITTEN under WHITE freaking god damn wines on YOUR board right over there… Oh that board… we don’t carry those by the glass.. we only have house white or red….  I am once again nudged by my side kick…  I say… that’s if OK… we will leave… the server.. says.. are you sure… I am sure I can find the owner and we can figure out a price per glass??? OH Hell NO… it cost like $8 a bottle in the freaking store… I will pass… now my blood pressure is up… my days shit to deal with at the office is all gone, forgotten and my focus is now on why we even bothered to go to this place for a glass of wine… when every damn experience has been this way… we turn to leave.. saying under our breaths but loud enough to get the point across… we will never come here again..  we vent on our way back to the office.. a short walk.. we instead walk to 7-11 and buy candy bars and continue to complain…  Once back to work, it dawns on us that without the glass of wine… the same goal had been accomplished… We forgot about our shitty ass day and now know that someone out there with a blue tooth glued to her fucking face was having a far worse day than us… Thank You Baby Jesus for that!!!  It should not have made us smile… but you know what… It sure as hell did Baby…

So screw that!!! I am going to pour myself a nice glass of believe it or not… It is not going to be  Hogue, Fume Blanc and finish this crappy little blog up because now it is purely the principle of the matter… May your tomorrow lunch be far better than my yesterday…

Ciao Bella… Sarah B….

Art work of Gregory Hergert

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized, wine and tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments
20 Mar 2012
6 Comments

They Call Me… For A Reason…

They call me Bitch for a reason… Because I am… End of Blog…

I could leave it at that, but that would be incredibly stupid, just like the statement above is…  Often times I have found in life when one takes an assertive or firm stances on a topic and ones views… They are called a bitch… The same can be said of when someone take charge of their own lives and destiny, this too often causes one to be called a bitch…   That leads to ask, just what a bitch is???  Is a bitch someone who does what needs to be done, stay true to the course and takes no shit from anyone…  I think this is not a bitch but instead someone who is taking control, has goals and a plan to achieve them… I think intead, that this is a person who deals with things straight up and head on…

If this were a man we would call him, smart, aggressive and a go getter… but with women, we call this a bitch…  Maybe, we should see what Wikipedia’s definition of a bitch is… ” In literal, non slang use, Bitch is a term for female canines…. Hmmm,  let’s start on this statement…  If we are called bitches, then does that mean we are also female dogs???  So, we are also ugly, because we all use the term Dog, we typically refer to the meaning that you are so ugly as in “what a dog, you need a sack for her head to… hmmm, well… Dog to me, also means… What I think of some types of men, such as in “What a Dumb Ass Dog”… as in he can’t keep his zipper up whenever he smells a new bitch around him…in fact in my cell phone, several of my good male friends, have the labels “dumb-ass-dogs #1, #2 #3 & on after their names… just so I know which one of my bitches is calling today… lol… So in my book, the definition above of bitch is referring to “canines” and that tells me that a bitch is a dog, which seems to refers to a ”Dog” which is in… “Dumb-Ass- Dog”…  so truly, the term bitch when in reference to canine, actually means man… so we women are not the bitch…

Wikipedia also states… this suggest a high sexual desire in a woman, compatible to a “bitch” in heat…  a bitch in heat… hmmm… sounds like a woman who just needs to get her kitty scratched so she can purr like a kitten… that doesn’t sounds like a bad thing, now does it???  What would sound bad is a bitch in heat suggesting someone wanting to get knocked up so she can trap some Dumb-Ass-Dog into taking care of her and her puppies she would be popping out…  that is not so nice… I will pass on being a “bitch in heat”… I can scratch my own kitty…

The other definition Wikipedia quotes is… In recent usage, the range has expanded to refer to a feminist context, Bitch, can indicate a Strong or Assertive Woman, one who may make men feel threatened… I find it truly amazing that this definition is exactly how I started out this blog, where Bitch is a strong woman…  I must disagree, a bitch is simply someone who for no reason at all is a just an arrogant, cocky, rude person…  This can refer to both a male or a female… They can both be a bitch in my book…

The last definition states, when applied to a man, “bitch” is a derogatory term for subordinate… So, it is saying that you are my bitch and I am your boss… Hmm, this is confusing because in essence, above , it stated a strong and assertive person would be the boss and they would be the bitch… So the subordinate could not be the bitch, right???  Seems to me that the word bitch has a lot of mixed connotations as to what it really means… However, we are all going to use the term ”Bitch” when we feel the need to throw someone under the bus or get our point across or feel superior… For me, I am a Bitch but which definitions above apply, well depends on what time of day you ask me…

Ciao, Sarah B…

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized, wine and tagged , , , , , , | 6 Comments
19 Mar 2012
10 Comments

Marvin…what are you thinking…

You know sometimes we have to wonder about Mr. Marvin…  Marvin sent over some ideas about all his wisdom’s, because he thinks he is all that and more… so SarahsViews decided to do a piece about it Marvin, calling it… Marvin’s wisdom’s with a Sarah Bite…  Please enjoy and if you have some wisdom to throw this direction, send em on over baby…  Here we go…

Marvin Says… Nothing sucks more than the moment during an argument when you realize you are wrong…   Sarah Says… WTF… You clearly haven’t picked the right topic.. Never argue about something until you know you got your own back and ass covered!  And you are NEVER wrong… haven’t you learned anything from reading Sarah…

Marvin Says…There is a GREAT need for a “sarcasm” font…  Sarah Say…  You think????  They call that Caps ON… Caps Off… Ever really use your crackberry closely or your laptop, or are you one of those who still type on all Caps???

Marvin Says… How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said???  Sarah Says…  You are just way to freaking nice… What???  WTF did you just say…. is more likely what would come flying out Sarah’s mouth …loudly!!!

Marvin Says…  Map Quest really needs to start their directions at #5…  I am pretty sure I know how to get out of my own freaking neighborhood…  Sarah Says… Map Quest is assuming that you had a wild night out, you drank some shots, you table danced and showed all the gals and fellas your hairy ass chest… before falling into your car and following someone you may or may not know home ( fuck, Marvin.. I really hope it was at least a Gal, Oh Marvin )…  Waking up in a strange bed… not knowing where you are…  seeing some hair peak out of the sheets next to you… clearly you are to afraid to lift them up to see who / what is under them… quietly picking up your own clothes, sneaking out the front door… turning on your Crack Berry and looking at the address on the house and street sign and Map Questing your drunk ass home to “SHOWER” and have some coffee…  So, Please… don’t blame map quest for your wild nights!  It can’t read your dumb ass mind…

Marvin Says…Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died…  Sarah Says…  Marvin, Marvin, Oh Marvin… Please get a life!!!  Do you really have so much extra time on your hands that you are reading the obituaries or are you on the hunt for a new gal and checking out the old dudes that clicked off so you can scope out a “sugar mama”…. HMMM…actually, that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea… Maybe, Sarah will start reading them too…

Marvin Says… I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower and THEN turn on the water…  Sarah Says…  This explains the true meaning of an “Innie”… Whew!!!  No wonder sex in the shower doesn’t really work all that well…

Marvin Says…It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood….  Sarah Says… You think???  WTF… But then, all those “anti” signs carriers hanging around out front would have to then change their signs and slogans and then… you know… it would upset the whole balance of being told you can or can not do something and well… We all know that it just won’t work… So let’s not fuck with what is already a fun topic to fuck with… cuz… then if we keep fucking …well… then you know; there will be this whole trip to Unplanned… and on and on… so, Sarah Says… let’s leave this whole topic alone…  No one will win this one…

Marvin Says…Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what to do with it… Sarah Says… UH… Uh… you are kidding right???   Go ask a 15 year old, give them a computer and let them go at it… they will educate your old ass and you are showing your age Sweetie…

Marvin Says…I hate it when I “just” miss a call on the last ring…. but when I immediately call back, it rings.. 9 times and then goes to voicemail… What do you after I don’t answer???  Drop the phone and run away???  Sarah Says….NO, Dumb Ass!!!  They are teaching you a lesson… You won’t answer their call…So, they are on to the next one who will pick up, cuz they are hungry, horny, she wants some wine and a really good time… So, Marvin.. you just got screwed outta getting screwed by being way to  slow on the pick up… Honey, you gotta step it up to “get it up” baby…  Meow…

Ciao Bella… Sarah B…

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized, wine and tagged , , , , , , | 10 Comments
15 Mar 2012
11 Comments

Cell phone…cell phone… Go Away…

I was wondering just how special of a person you have to be to talk “loudly” in public on your cell phone???  Are you that important???  Or are you just that pathetic…..  After listing to your conversation that of course I and anyone within a 20 foot radius was forced to endure…  I am starting to lean a bit more in the “pathetic” direction…  I mean really…  Do you honestly think myself and everyone else needed to hear about your day???  What you ate???  What you deposited in the bathroom??? Yes, No, Yes… not sure…   Ooohhh..  not sure???  That in itself is disturbing alone…

What makes you feel so damn important that it is necessary for all of us around you to know about your life???  I really don’t care what time you pick up your kids…. I really don’t care what happened in your day… and I am fairly certain the person whose ass you are riding in line due to your pure ignorance of respect of personal space cares about the fact that your baby girl has a snotty nose and you had to stop by your mom’s house on the way home from work so you could borrow $20 bucks to buy your baby girl some stuff for her whittle stuffy nose… Hey,  I am only repeating it the way you told your friend or should I say “friends” on the other end of the phone call …  because it was quite apparent you made lots of calls….  to lots of people… I would have loved to been able to speak up and say… I don’t see any stuffy nose medicine in your basket, that look more like a bottle of ghetto cat negro white wine at $3.99 a bottle… ooh baby….  nothing like a cheap hangover… that is if one bottle will still give you a hang over.. though judging by your complexion.. I would feel safe to say NO… oh and Hell no… baby….  I am fairly certain your baby girl is home with the neighbor brat and feeling quite fine and the rest of that money will go for gas, some smokes and some drive thru off the dollar menu..  Bt you keep on a calling and talking and baby girl as my cracker ass white ghetto Auntie likes to say… you just have a good night and you give them all a call after you have taken care of that bottle… “baby girl”…  you really have the stuffy nose… and the cell phone to be important…  Real important…

Could be worse… as I experienced the other day standing in the DMV line… which brings up a very important thought.. Is there an IQ requirement to work there???  I am fucking pretty damn sure… answer is NO.. and I could go down the list of a few other govermnent agencies.. but why… I was the DMV….  they are special.. but hell, what could I say, my sorry ass was there too.. right???  Replacing some mis placed ID…the kind that losers who use their cell phones they paid for with other peoples ID’s when they help themselves to their wallets… Oh, wait… get off the soap box and trash tweakers another day.. ( mental note… trash tweakers )… LOL..  like I could forget that.. so back to DMV…where IQ’s to be employed, not required… but better yet…. if you go to a place like the DMV and are forced to endure standing in line for any period of time, you will not only observer or should I say… hear tweakerville mentioned above.. but you also get to experience “texters”… speed  texters… people whom are so engrossed in their new phone that they don’t hear tweakerville, they don’t even know that anyone or thing exists other than their phones that are color coordinated to match their personalities…  they text, they don’t ever look up…. they are texting at least 5 different people at the same time…  They don’t see you, hear you or the person in front of them.. the only reason they move is their head is bent forward looking down at the phone they are texting on and they notice the space of distance now in front of them from the person whom has moved up ahead.. these  people are truly amazing…. However, I am not sure they would be able to engage in an actual oral conversation….  they are only able to communicate thru text… so their phone makes them as important as tweakerville… but we shall call them….hmmm… I am thinking… we shall call them.. BFS Texters… that will stand for Big Fucking Special Texters…  Ahhh… my day at the grocery store and the DMV…  just doesn’t fucking get any better… now does it…  Howver, I now know how important a cell phone can make you… lol!!!  NOT….

Ciao Bella.. Bitchy Ass Sarah B…. I think I will go pour myself a glass of white ghetto wine, make a few calls and text a few people before calling it a night, so I can fit right in…

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized and tagged , , , | 11 Comments
13 Mar 2012
10 Comments

And What’s Your Sign…

 So Baby… just what is your sign???  Ever hear that lame ass line when you are out trying to have a great evening with the girls or boys???  Or someone who is so fucking proud of their Zodiac sign that they announce it to everyone they meet like it is a badge of honor???  Well…  here is SarahsViews and interpretation of your Zodiac signs…

AQUAIRIUS    You have an inventive mind are inclined to be progressive or repressive in my opinion…  You lie a great deal…  Like you don’t already know that…  You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are “SS” we call that “super stupid”…  Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk…  I really know you are a fucking jerk and now you do too… So liar…  get over yourself…  Go invent some new shit and sell it to someone who believes it…  Oh… you already did!!!

PISCES     You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads and you think only with the head of your dick or your special box.  You are quick to reprimand, inpatient and full of advice, because it is all about you…you… and oh yeah.. YOU… Dumb ASS…  You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with…  You are a prick… Asshole… Dick… Bitch… etc… I could go on…  But you are so self-serving, you actually think I am complimenting you…  LOL!!!

ARIES     You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA, well… actually you are, because you are usually a criminal or associate with them…  You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power, LOL…that is funny, that is when your friends arent’ in jail…  You lack confidence and are a general dipshit…  But if it makes you feel better… at least you aren’t a Pisces…  whew!!!

TAURUS   You as practical and persistent as a stupid fucking fruit fly or as I like to call them a “fucker fly” that I can’t swat fast enough to get rid off…   You are a nasty pest…  You have a dogged determination and work like hell…   Oh please…  like I believe that…  Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed…  You are nothing but a god damned dick… kiss ass… suck up and oh…go wipe your nose… it appears to be covered in something brown!!!

GEMINI   You are quick and intelligent thinker…  People like you because you are bisexual…  I just think you are Bi-Polar!!!  You are inclined to expect too much for too little…  This means you are a cheap bastard…  As in cheap ass mother fucker… who buys Night Train and pours it into an expensive bottle you dug out of your neighbors recycle bin to feel better about yourself and look good to others… depends on if you are Lisa Dark or Lisa Bright today…  Gemini’s are notorious for thriving on incest…  Hey.. stay the fuck away from me!!!  You are scaring the hell out of my cat and dog… both of you… Go Away!!!

CANCER   You are sooo sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which makes you a fat big sucker…  One dumb ass lame… sucker…  You are always putting things off…  Because you can’t get jack shit done…  This is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit… Sucker…  Hey this is your sign not mine.. I didn’t make this shit up… I just found it on the internet… so it must be true…  Everyone in prison is a Cancer…  Wow…  Know anyone there???  I do…  hopefully it won’t be you…

LEO     You consider yourself a born leader…  Then you woke up in a sticky puddle…  Others think you are an idiot…   I know you are an idiot…  One arrogant mother fucker… Most Leo’s are bullies… with big heads and small heads at the same time… oops… if you are  woman… you just suck or will suck!!!  You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism…  Your arrogance is disgusting…  and yet so appealing at the same time… I am scared to admit it… Leo people are thieving mother fuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex… Wow…  that is sad…  Yet… if you take videos we can upload them onto U-Tube and make some dough.. so work it baby!!!

VIRGO    You are the logical type and hate disorder… You make the rest of us fucking nuts because you are so damn annoying and can’t shut the fuck up…and must always have the last word… Asshole!!!  Your shit picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co workers… assuming you have them…  You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking…  Whatever it is that you choose to fuck and honey… I don’t want to know… Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps…  At least you will always have job security in those industries!!!

LIBRA    You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality…  Because you are a fucking whack job…  If you are male you are probably gay…  OH well… at least someone has to bring you outta of the closet… Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil… You don’t seem surprised by that… but more surprised that we actually mentioned the word employment and you in the same sentence…  Most Libra women are whores… Again.. job security!!!   All Libras die of venereal disease…  I will pass on that one…and not be playing in your cat box or sand trap…

SCORPIO    You are the worst of the lot…  You are nothing but dirty sneaky bastards all the way…  You are shrewd in business and can not be trusted… EVER!!!   You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics…  Ethics… WTF are those???  You will screw anyone and everyone to get what YOU want…because after all , this is about you… Scorpio… they are just nothing but dirty bastards who will own your ass if you don’t watch out… You think you are the perfect son of a bitch…  Most Scorpios are murdered… and rightfully so…  You better run… hide… before they find you… cuz they are looking sweetie…

SAGITARIUS    You are optimistic and enthusiastic…  LOL… You dumb ass!!!   You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no real talent…  Oops…didn’t mean to let the cat outta the bag on that one…  you should have figured it out by the pile of shit you have lying around…The majority of Sagitarians are drunks…  Hey… nothing wrong with that…  You are a worthless piece of shit…  Oops.. outside typing fingers again!!!  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news for you…  At least you know and can plan where to buy your next bottle of booze from…

CAPRICORN    You are conservative and afraid of taking risks… That is what we in the real world call a Pansy Ass and you are basically chicken shit…  There has never been a Capricorn of any importance…  EVER…  You shall kill yourself…  Hey… again, not me…  I found it on the net… so it must be true… Please don’t breed… there no point… get over it and yourself and move on down the road… to where ever your kind goes… you really have no purpose… we call that thinning out the herd…

Ciao… One mean Scorpio Sarah B Bitch…

Sarahs Bitch Crew

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments
11 Mar 2012
18 Comments

This Thong’s For You…

Never…. End of Blog…    Really, I am not kidding… the answer is Never… if you really have to ask or think about it… then let me tell you that you are truly unique and have no concept of comfort or looking at yourself in the mirror before leaving your house…   First off, lets start with what the fuck a “thong” is… It is a tiny piece of material for the back of your wide ass and an little tiny wider piece of material that is supposed to cover your “box”  “your bush”…”your little sweet spot”… or “your special button”… I can go on.. but I hope you got the point…

Let’s start with the part that goes on your ASS….  It doesn’t matter what type of ass you have… let’s think about this together…  You are putting on a pair of undies… or shall we say a “Thong” that the piece going up the back of your ass is as wide a band aid at best…  but it gets better… it gets wider at the top… Why???  Is it going to keep the tops of your buttocks warm???  It is a fashion statement that it rides to the top of your hips and pants today ride below them.. so we get a full on visual when you bend over of your “hot pink” buttock warmers.. climbing out the top of your jeans that are gapping in the back as you bend over and we can see the piece of “hot pink” material disappearing in what is assumed to be your Crack.. yes.. I said your Crack.. you crack head… why???  Does it “feel normal for you to have some dental floss grinding away all day long at the insides of your cheeks….  maybe it is your way of getting a dental floss wax job on the inside of your crack as it friction is slowly rubbing off the hair on your ass… Oh please… all of ya got it unless you actually shave the inside of your cheeks and that is just way too much information… So, now I have been told that you “Get Used To It”… OK, I can get used to a lot of things… I suppose you are right… I can get used to alot of things… Typically though when I am “having” to get used to something… It is because I HAVE NO OPTIONS…. not because I am into self torture…  so getting used to it… Nah, I will pass… and I am ok without my hips showing out the tops of my pants with my buttocks warmer sticking out of the tops and you looking to see where the material disappears ….

Now let’s talk about the ‘button” warmer…  OMG… please come on… the dental floss crawling up your ass is nothing to this piece of material that is so narrow for the front part that it can’t decide if it is going to “sit” firmly in the center of your “box”… ride to the left and expose and right lip or ride to the right and expose the left…  Hell it gets worse… wear jeans that are just a bit too snug and it will crawl off both lips baby and wrap itself firmly around your little button giving you the image – visual of camel toe… and a few other things a bit to  hairy and hanging out on each side that I think you have the idea of where I am going…. but Oh Wait… I will get used to it!!!  Why the fuck would I want too???  Cuz I have a hot date later and I know I am going to be getting lucky and when I pull my jeans down.. with his help… I have a lip hanging out… a button all wadded up and I need to peel the dental floss out of my crack because it is stuck to the back of my ass from not doing such a good job of wiping all day long…  Yep… I will get used to it all right…

Thongs are meant for those who think they are “something” they are not.. 18 year olds and strippers… The last time I checked and looked all ALL my girly friends… none of you fit that group and none of you should be wearing a thong… sister… embrace your ass and body and dress for comfort and not to please someone who is only going to take them down faster than you could get them on as you can’t figure out what way is the front and what way is the back… LOL… so just get the fuck over yourself sister… you don’t need a thong to be a hot mama… Real Women “Don’t” wear thongs!!!

Ciao… Sarah B…

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , | 18 Comments
07 Mar 2012
8 Comments

Why We Need Duct Tape… Important!!!

As all of us poor “white, ghetto & whatever else for you happen to be of…trash”… are familiar with it what it is like to have to be creative in making things work… It isn’t like we can all whip out our credit cards and go buy whatever the fuck we want…  I mean, really…. Not like they are gonna give one to me or to anyone I associate with… Honey…. last time I checked, I am pretty sure…  my credit is so fucking special that I am what is considered to be a “credit criminal”… No.. you moron, not like someone who goes out and steals ID’s… but more like someone who says “sucker” to the dumb ass credit card agency that was stupid enough to send me an actual card… and actually think I am gonna pay them back…  WTF are they thinking…. didn’t they pull my credit report before sending it to me…. Hey… in my opinion, my credit report is “full disclosure” that I do not and have never had any intentions of ever repaying any “credit” that some dumb ass sucker chose to gave to me…   It isn’t like I can hide my credit past… I am simply “using” the gift presented to me…

Then comes reality….  Ah.. something just broke and I can’t go to the store and pick up a new one, a part of a new one or even a take something back to get a new one.. Hell no…  all I got to my name is $3….. We know I gotta save $2 bucks for $2 Buck Chuck…. those of you whom may not have a “Trader Joes”… that is where I can go buy a bottle of a step above the ghetto negro cat white wine and the cost is $2 Bucks…So, this leaves me$1 freaking dollar to my name….  How can I fix what needs fixing with a buck???  Oh hell… come on… this is a damn recession…. where do you and every one else you know, shops at today…. either proudly or with dark glasses on and driving 20 miles out of their way to avoid being seen by the other snobs in their neighborhood…  Well sweet cheeks…. we shop at the freaking $1 Store of course…. You can find everything you need (except wine!!! ) at the dollar store… damn… why don’t they sell wine???

Now… I drive my lame ass to get my wine…  then I drive my ass quite proudly to the nearest dollar store by my Apartment… maybe not so much in pride as in the sheer lack of gas in my car…  remember…I am poor white trash…  (at least for this blog bella…) I haul my ass into the store… grab my little green hand basket… as though I am actually going to fill it up with dollar items… yeah right!!!!  I walk straight to the home improvement isle of the store… look… look again, damn it had better be here…  Ahhh… there it is… “Duct Tape”… the master of all repair materials…. I love my Duct Tape… I proudly walk to the cashier.. acting as though I have to search thru my wallet amongst all my large bills to find a dollar bill… you know baby, it is all about the “show” the “smoke”….the whatever…  Anyway, I buy my big gray roll of duct tape… Oooh Baby!!   I am gonna get back in my 1990′s Chrysler… K car…what color you ask???  White of course… and I am going to drive my white trash mobile to my apartment and I am gonna do some repairs…

First…  My damn dish washer wants to fall out when I open the door… Simple fix…. open door… take 4 long strips of tape and wrap them from the top of the counter to the inside of the top part of the dishwasher… Ahhh… fixed!  I am getting the sense that I could achieve a “semi” stainless look in my kitchen if I use enough of this magic fix all….Next… my vertical blinds… well… seems a few of them won’t stay in the clips…  simple … get up on a chair…. get a few small pieces of tape…. and wrap it around the top of the blind to the clip…. 2 down… how many more to go…. Lets go to the bathroom… the toilet paper roll has a messed up spring…. so it keeps popping out… ooh… this will be easy… tape it to the bar…. Ahhh… 3 down…  Microwave door handle keeps falling down… seems to have lost a fucking screw and I wish I could say I gotta a screw… I mean that I found the screw… but.. anyway… No screw…but you know what I got???  Duct tape… just tape that handle to the microwave and to really make sure it sticks make it go up and over the door…really feeling more like a modern kitchen with each repair…  Ahhh… 4 down…  Wait…  when I was driving home… I hate hearing the passenger side window rattle…the handle keeps jarring loose…. Yes, I said handle… this is a “K” car remember… with plush faded blue interior and a “bench” seat….  Ooh baby!!!  I am now gong to tape that damn handle into place and run the tape up the window!!!!  Mother won’t move now….  So…what else can I do… I am having issues with my bra… the wire keeps poking out…and this poor white trash can’t afford a new one this week… so… I think I will tape the wire securely in…  ( that was not such a great idea… in case it crosses your mind.. it itches!!!)  However in looking in the mirror as I was getting out of the shower yesterday morning…I noticed my pointers were starting to become setters and wondered if  maybe I should give some thought to giving myself a “duct tape” boob lift!!!

Duct Tape Baby….  Girls gotta have it… it is a fix all… it even keeps the bottom of that special toy together so the batteries don’t fall out…

Ciao Bella…. “White Trash” Sarah B…

(This is all made up except the battery part!!  LOL )

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized, wine and tagged , , , , , | 8 Comments
04 Mar 2012
3 Comments

Look Up!!! Scape-Goat Above…

So, the other day, I was standing in line at the grocery store and this person in front of me was just going on and on to someone she had drug to the store with her.  This shall we say, Princess?  Was going on and on to her friend about how she made sure to get back at her loser boyfriend…. by fucking around with her neighbor… I don’t mean F’ng around in such a way that she was messing with his head..well, I guess I do mean that in a way..  ooh!!  Well, anyway,  because this little wide load of a princess spoke so loud and apparently had a 4 pack a day of smoke habit based on her vocal cords… went on quite loudly and with her raspy voice about how her boyfriend deserved this.. and all the whys and ways!

While I can’t pass judgement on her reasons, cuz the guy did sound like a loser ( that she picked! )… but I wondered to myself  if she had looked a mirror at any point in time over the past few years.   Because the last time I checked, 1995, was gone and we are in a new decade of clothing, hair, make up and crude public display and talk were about as in style as 1981!  However, since the cahier was challenged this particular day…. and taking quite an long time.. I was forced to “overhear” this conversation.   What struck me as so fucking typical was the fact that after a while this conversation turned to what they had planned for Sunday.

Well, let’s see, after they each picked up their children from their ex husbands..  ( no issues there.. got my own share of ex’s )… but, best part… they were going out this evening partying the night away.. then picking up the children whom I imagine if girl children would have matching highlighted hair, feathered with big bangs… and if these children were boys… well they would have matching mullets… bu the very best part for me was what they planned for Sunday.. they had Church planned…   this of course let to who’s mini van they would take ( of course! ) and then more Church talk.. I happened to be the fortunate person to leave the store behind them – did I mention the part where they had a 12 pack of bud and some white zif wine?  You know, the kind that comes in a box?  Oh, I am digressing… seems I was parked next to these two wonderful women.. in a mini van… complete with the fish emblem on the back size.. ( should have been a whale emblem – oops… I know I am going to hell for that one.. good thing I don’ care or believe in ti! )

As I loaded my things into my car, I was struck with how typical these two women represented to me what a typical Church going person represented.  One who is according to the bible they profess to love… spends 6 1/2 days… doing everything that goes against the same values they have shoved down their throats that half day on Sunday.  My faovorite part of this group of people, is the fact that they seem to think they can do anything they want  6 1/2 days a week as they have a get out of jail card… a true scape goat who can never stand up for themselves…they have the imaginary God to forgive them…to accept them and to allow them to justify their actions..  Because after all, God will forgive them… while they fuck you every way they can, because as long as God forgives  them, they do not have to be accountable for anything they do.. ..They are covered Baby!  Better than any insurance policy they could buy.  They got God.

Well, I will pass.. I fuck up, got no one else to blame but myself and accept full responsibility.  I am a grown up and I don’t need a God to bail my sorry ass out when I mess up, only own up to it and accept what I have done and hope I can survive the humility to learn on my own and make my next mistakes.. there ain’t no flipping God, just a scapegoat for Sheep’s and Losers!

That is Sarah B’s take on it….Ciao Baby…  Sarah B,

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, religion, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments
03 Mar 2012
2 Comments

You Just Don’t Know Who You Shop With???

Have you ever just looked around at wondered what the person standing in line at the grocery store was really like?  Not like… in “hey baby” wonder what he would be like to take for a spin???  But more so, in I really wonder what this person is all about…  If you look at the items in his grocery cart… you begin to form a mental image of who this person is once they walk outside of the store… You are behind him in line for quite some time now, behind you is an equally interesting person that you have already surmised up whom and what she is all about in 12 seconds… didn’t take long, face sunken in… teeth gone, hair dyed and unkempt… With her are 3 screaming brats…  Oh please, don’t act offended… you know for a fact you have stood in line with this same person and wondered first, who the hell would fuck her and why the hell didn’t someone shut down her baby making factory after she popped out the first one…  Better yet, the first one isn’t even here with her as we all know the first one is at least 17 and one of these screaming brats in store with this person is actually her grand child… after all the cycle tends to perpetuate… the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree as we are told and you know, when she finally gets done saying… NO… we got.. No… you already got and no…no….no… she will give in and each child will get what they want, while she whips out that special government subsidised card to pay for it…  oh, I meant to say, that we just bought… except for that 6 pack of cheap beer ( honey – I am standing next to these kids and I am ready to crack open one of her damn beers and I don’t drink that shit ) and let’s not forget her smokes… those are paid for with bottle return coupons… The ones where she had stood out side and turned in bottles for… those pay for the special things that we don’t…

Damn, let’s back to the hottie in front of you, you have managed to keep your back turned as much as you can from the Crystal Queen behind you…  You are really starting to focus in on this cutie pie and the items  he is placing on the checkout counter in front of you.  He is cute enough, maybe 36?  34?  you don’t know, but that does make him legal..right?  Oh wait….. he has a ring on.. not on his finger.. but attached to his NOSE as well as to his penis… it is his cell phone… she is calling non stop… Yes, uh, yes dear.. I got the buns, yes, the wheat ones… ( well you think at least he eats somewhat healthy.. . Right??  )  No, they didn’t have any… yes, I got… no… OMFG…. what a pain in the ass… Shit, what he should have said is… look bitch, if you don’t think I am capable of getting the right things at the damn grocery store, perhaps you should have gotten off your bon bon mother fucking ass and came here yourself… but he doesn’t say that.. Not out-loud at least… Now you are curious…  Just what else is in his cart?  Casually you look at the items he is unloading  as you are trying to tune out Crystal who is making gumming noises over your shoulder… OMG… please go buy some teeth!!!  So, in his cart is…  diapers… toddler size…  so he has a kid, OK, who doesn’t…  buns – wheat mind you as previously verified by his better (LOL) half.. .milk, 2%.. OK, he is or she is making an effort to be somewhat healthy… OMFG..  the fucking ball and chain is calling again.. yes, no… well…  but…I thought you said.. he looks at you, then to the cashier…  The cashier is so used to this, to him it is just another inconsiderate loser that is rude enough to use his phone while at the check out counter…  OK.. after a long pause he says … I will see if they have it… But, but… I am already at the counter paying!!!  Click… it is obvious the click didn’t originate from him, but from the dick he lives with… I would say pussy, but it is clear, he is the pussy in this relationship and the tampons in the cart really should be for him and she is the penis that runs the house and wears the or should we say… his pants…

Too bad… even Crystal behind me isn’t so annoying compared to this person in front of me…  She at least is out doing what she needs to do to make it and not waiting on someone else to do it for her… proud enough to turn in bottles to feed herself and her family and proud enough to admit she needed help from us to make it… gotta admit, may not be our way, but hell, she ain’t picking up the phone pussy whipping someone to bring her bon bons… no she drug her ass out in public and faced the judgement of you and others with her head up high, while he walks with his penis tucked between his legs to keep the peace…

Hopefully when he got home, after 3 more calls and 2 more trips back thru the store isles… she was all happy happy joy joy and he got a moments peace, after he brought in the groceries, she checked each item thoroughly to make sure they are perfect, he puts them away, while she text her friends… He cooks the dinner… does the dishes, puts the screaming 2 year old to bed… because she couldn’t do it… after all she is 8 months pregnant with the next one… which means his “chain” will be there for at least 20 more years… So he should just accept that he is fucked and that he has no life or man hood left, though in his mind he is wondering why he couldn’t have hooked up with one that just woud have “swallowed”!!!

Ciao… Sarah B

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments
02 Mar 2012
4 Comments

The True Definitian Of A GC!!!

Atrist Gregory Hergert

While chatting with a girlie friend of mine over a bottle of cheap white wine the other day, making fun of the the mullets that women still wear and simply asking each other “Why?”….Do they not own mirrors???    No honey, the wine we were drinking wasn’t Chablis… But we have been down that road a time or two in the past and have pinky swore over the toilet the next day that we would never take that trip together ever… no matter how fucking god damn dirt poor we are… get…stay… will be… LOL!!!  While, we are able to recognize that we were not in the most of upscale places… but instead a bit closer to the hood – ghetto – crack central, whatever your neighborhood calls it, where they sell cheap ass white, red or worst yet pink wine.. Honey, we aren’t that proud…   We consider ourselves “Thrifty” spenders… maximizing our dollars!!!

We now have begun to notice of what we call several G. C.’s sitting amongst us while on our upscale night out…  G.C.’s???  You ask what is that???  Come on Muffin… you gotta know what a G.C. is… don’t you???  Really,  I mean, who doesn’t???  What could G.C. possibly stand for???  Oh please… get over yourselves… you simply aren’t that high up the ladder to think it is something nice… I mean, really get over your wide ass load self…  Everyone has a definition of what G.C. stands for… Now, in our case a G.C. stands for the following…

Ghetto Cracker…  “Our definition”  is a white, wide ass,  mullet wearing, 80′s hair with poofy bangs, blue eye shadow, pouring herself into a pair wranglers with what I like to call a super ”double muffin top”… one above her belt.. and one that is stacked on top of her real set of boobs… ( god I hope those are real, cuz they are scaring the hell outta me and any kids around!!! )  You know the ones, they pop out the top of the bra she should have thrown away 3 cup sizes ago or should I say, 3 kids ago, but she holds onto as it is the only way she is able to keep those “puppies” remaining pointers and not setters… that is a Ghetto Cracker…  Now G.C. can mean a few other things… let’s say…

Good Christian… please do you really want me of all people to give you the “Sarah B” view of a Good Christian… OK, you asked for it… and here is goes…  The same lame ass Ghetto Cracker listed above who is hung over on Sunday mornings after picking up her multiple children from multiple fathers at the all night baby sitter…. oh please, let not forget to add multiple races… (gotta keep it in the hood, bario, crack central)  She chugs a few cups of yesterday’s cold coffee, lights a few smokes… (ooh!!!)   Wipes off last nights make up and put on a jean skirt and boots and drags her wide ass load and 3 chicklets to church for 3 hours Sunday morning… 1 day a week… give or take a few extra trips on holidays… that is my definition of a “Good Chetto Christian Cracker”…  Now we could expand and say G.C. stood for the following…  Got Child???  Here is the meaning…  Mullet man is hitting on mullet woman in a western bar and wants to get some action that night… but is wondering if she’s “Got Child or Got Children” at home or is he going to have to bring her to his mom’s house to do his wild monkey love dance…   (ooohhh!!! YUCK!!!)  OR… it could mean or should I say silently whisper… Got Child!!!   So, mullet woman is on the hunt for a mate for the next few months…  Welfare isn’t quite making the bills… so, she is on the prowl and needs to weed out the weak and the smart… she seeks the longest mullet with the most empty cans of beer in front of him… cozies her big ole double muffins up to him and catches his eyes… then whispers a few things in his ear…  she is fully aware he is wanting some big yummy muffins for breakfast… so she silently mouths… I Got Child!!!… He doesn’t run…cuz he can’t get his eyes out of her muffins cups… and  baby cakes, those beers make damn fucking great goggles…  so they hop into his firebird and now the rent is paid for a few months…

Now.. G.C. could also mean… “Gonad Crusher”… I love this term… because after our “Ghetto Good Christian Cracker” that’s “Got Child” ( multiple!!!)  is done, used up and movinng on from her mullet man… cuz all his money is gone and his firebird is in need of  a new ashtray; the right side sits just a ad bit bit lower… So she is about to become theMaster ”Gonad Crusher” and move on to the next unsuspecting mullet man and maybe try to move up the food chain a bit, find herself someone who drinks from a bottle instead of a can and drives a thunderbird – shit at least he won’t be drinking it sugar… After all of that, her rent will be taken care of for a few more months while the 4th baby from the last mullet head is incubating… away… Ahh… gotta love those G.C. women… don’t ya… Hell No!!!

Keep them as far away fromme and honey, you should stay the hell away from all G.C.s… OR… you know what you will be doing the next 18 or so years…paying for it…and baby, there ain’t no box lunch that good…beer goggles or not…

Ciao Bella…. Sarah.. B

 Artist Gregory Hergert

Posted in comedy, satire, non pc, humor, satire, wtf, comedy,, religion, Uncategorized, wine and tagged , , , , , | 4 Comments

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