A Little Vino Please…


Recently, while taking a much needed mental break from my office, a girlie friend and I decided to take a break, enjoy the cold winter sun and walk to the local wine bar up the street..  Seriously, we were the only two working that day, it was hot, no phones ringing.. so what the hell was the harm in it?  To the average adult female, not a god damn thing, but to the the typical tight ass bitch, who can’t think without a man or a god telling them what is right or wrong.. well that bitch would rot in the same hell she has spend her “stepford wife” life trying to avoid.. ahh… but really, when down deep, we all know she really wants to experience letting it all go, doing WTF ever she really wants to and not have to feel guilt or panic that she may go to hell, that her kids should smell a tad bit of relaxation on her breath or worse yet her ball and chain… Oh… oops, I meant her “husband”… because in religion, she really isn’t much more than a breeder, house servant and the occasional…oh why do I even need to go there… so.. .We trek our little asses up the street in the early afternoon to a wonderful little wine bar with intentions of having a nice appetizer and a glass of Fume Blanc… light, crisp and refreshing…  It is nice, the sun is out, the sliding wall doors are open for indoor and out door relaxation… we are all of 5 minutes from work…

Cell phones are at our desk… Work is left behind.. ahh.. Some “OK” fume blanc is on the chalk board written menu… Ahhh… as we enter we hear the chatter.. the pitter patter of little feet or should we say little mouths!!!  Lots and lots of little mouths… It is a flipping wine bar for Christ sake at 12:30 in the freaking afternoon… isn’t there a sign somewhere that says “no short noisy ” talky talky ” people allowed in…  No???? Why the hell not???  Oh… well, after standing line for a good 7 to 9 minutes while this “mother” allowed her 6 & 8 year old daughters first order whatever they wanted to eat.. then the mother talked to them as though they were adults… My friend could sense my annoyance and my mouth begun to utter the uselessness not of the children, after all they are only children, but of the mother.. whom clearly doesn’t work and whose only level of communication is with that of 6 & 8 year olds….  I make it a point to tell my companion that where ever they sat, I wanted to be on the opposite end of the place… she agreed and was beginning to fidget herself with annoyance… while this is all going on, we have both spotted the wine list,  written in chalk and calling our names… The more the mother talked like a 6 year old… the louder the wine called us… Hogue ( not that bad  ) Fume Blanc… I could feel the first sip go down while standing in line… Eagerly I thought of sitting in quiet, with my friend as far from the noise so we could take 30 minutes, relax, not discuss the bullshit of work  or the day but instead focus on making fun of all the idiots at the wine bar in the middle of teh day… Ahh.. the sound of the children walking farther and father away with their “mama”…

Finally we are at the bar, waiting for our turn to order…  My credit card out… when a very nice, large, important server took our order.. how did I know she was important..well of course it was because she had a “blue tooth” on her ear.. she was just fucking special.. so special that while working.. she would take personal phone calls… Imagine if you will, that… a rather large woman of over 250 pounds and at least 5″10″ tall…with one arm full of tatoos and the makeup of the 1980’s and hair of the 1990’s… stands next to your table and you order a glass of wine and she starts to write it down and then in mid stride…says, what the hell do you mean, you can’t pick me up after my shift?  WTF???  You are sitting there thinking to yourself.. I know I am on my second.. maybe 3rd glass of wine.. but at no point do I remember offering to take her home… you say pardon me… she looks at you annoyed because after all you are interrupting her call… and holds up her hand to you as if to say… excuse me, this is important.. she points to her ear.. as though you do not see the black growth on the side of her face the randomly beeps a light at you… she is put out that you had the nerve to interrupt her.. you wait patiently…wait…wait…and oh wait..then she lets her caller know what a piece of shit he is.. and that she will take the bus… Oh…let’s toss in a bit of guilt… and screw you… and ends the call.. what I can not figure out is how she ends the call.. I don’t see her hang up anything…. oh well..  maybe now she will get back to taking your order or maybe not.. because now she will have to step all over her dick if she had one… maybe she does…I am not quite sure at this point and will apologize to you about that incident you just witnessed… LIKE YOU REALLY GIVE A FLYING FUCK!!!  ALL YOU WANT IS A FUCKING GOD DAMN GLASS OF WINE AND NOW DUE TO THIS BITCH.. YOU WANT TWO GLASSES!!!… however, you are not a bitch..yet.. you instead.. politely tell her no worries… and that of course leads her to believe she can talk more to you on a personal level… however.. she finally shuts the fuck up…  you order your wine… finally… she brings you the wrong one… all while talking back to her loser boyfriend about a ride once again.. like anyone one wants to really “ride” her wide load!!!

Did I digress??? Shit,   Sorry… so this person is now taking my order at counter…  I anxiously whip out my credit card…. stand there patiently… she once again has the blue tooth thing in her ear….  I say… we would love two glasses of Fume Blanc please, the Hogue.. stunned, confused.. she searches the register….  up.. down.. around..Hmm.. what wine did you want again.. feigning politeness.. I repeat.. the Hogue – Fume Blanc, white wine?  The one over there written on the chalk board… she looks at the board… clearly needing glasses.. strains…. to see what is written.. what was it again?  It is now becoming increasingly more difficult for me to tune out the screaming children.. the mother talking like a 6 year old and the 1980’s, goth, tattooed.. blue tooth wearing…dumb as a freaking sack of rocks server whom can’t tell the difference between white or red wine let alone where the hell to find it on the freaking register… my smile falters.. my friend elbows.. me, slowly I began to retract my extended credit card… she, the waitress, server, whatever the hell her job was… stammers some more.. what was the wine?  FUME BLANC by HOGUE… see????  You have it WRITTEN under WHITE freaking god damn wines on YOUR board right over there… Oh that board… we don’t carry those by the glass.. we only have house white or red….  I am once again nudged by my side kick…  I say… that’s if OK… we will leave… the server.. says.. are you sure… I am sure I can find the owner and we can figure out a price per glass??? OH Hell NO… it cost like $8 a bottle in the freaking store… I will pass… now my blood pressure is up… my days shit to deal with at the office is all gone, forgotten and my focus is now on why we even bothered to go to this place for a glass of wine… when every damn experience has been this way… we turn to leave.. saying under our breaths but loud enough to get the point across… we will never come here again..  we vent on our way back to the office.. a short walk.. we instead walk to 7-11 and buy candy bars and continue to complain…  Once back to work, it dawns on us that without the glass of wine… the same goal had been accomplished… We forgot about our shitty ass day and now know that someone out there with a blue tooth glued to her fucking face was having a far worse day than us… Thank You Baby Jesus for that!!!  It should not have made us smile… but you know what… It sure as hell did Baby…

So screw that!!! I am going to pour myself a nice glass of believe it or not… It is not going to be  Hogue, Fume Blanc and finish this crappy little blog up because now it is purely the principle of the matter… May your tomorrow lunch be far better than my yesterday…

Ciao Bella… Sarah B….

Art work of Gregory Hergert

They Call Me… For A Reason…


They call me Bitch for a reason… Because I am… End of Blog…

I could leave it at that, but that would be incredibly stupid, just like the statement above is…  Often times I have found in life when one takes an assertive or firm stances on a topic and ones views… They are called a bitch… The same can be said of when someone take charge of their own lives and destiny, this too often causes one to be called a bitch…   That leads to ask, just what a bitch is???  Is a bitch someone who does what needs to be done, stay true to the course and takes no shit from anyone…  I think this is not a bitch but instead someone who is taking control, has goals and a plan to achieve them… I think intead, that this is a person who deals with things straight up and head on…

If this were a man we would call him, smart, aggressive and a go getter… but with women, we call this a bitch…  Maybe, we should see what Wikipedia’s definition of a bitch is… ” In literal, non slang use, Bitch is a term for female canines…. Hmmm,  let’s start on this statement…  If we are called bitches, then does that mean we are also female dogs???  So, we are also ugly, because we all use the term Dog, we typically refer to the meaning that you are so ugly as in “what a dog, you need a sack for her head to… hmmm, well… Dog to me, also means… What I think of some types of men, such as in “What a Dumb Ass Dog”… as in he can’t keep his zipper up whenever he smells a new bitch around him…in fact in my cell phone, several of my good male friends, have the labels “dumb-ass-dogs #1, #2 #3 & on after their names… just so I know which one of my bitches is calling today… lol… So in my book, the definition above of bitch is referring to “canines” and that tells me that a bitch is a dog, which seems to refers to a “Dog” which is in… “Dumb-Ass- Dog”…  so truly, the term bitch when in reference to canine, actually means man… so we women are not the bitch…

Wikipedia also states… this suggest a high sexual desire in a woman, compatible to a “bitch” in heat…  a bitch in heat… hmmm… sounds like a woman who just needs to get her kitty scratched so she can purr like a kitten… that doesn’t sounds like a bad thing, now does it???  What would sound bad is a bitch in heat suggesting someone wanting to get knocked up so she can trap some Dumb-Ass-Dog into taking care of her and her puppies she would be popping out…  that is not so nice… I will pass on being a “bitch in heat”… I can scratch my own kitty…

The other definition Wikipedia quotes is… In recent usage, the range has expanded to refer to a feminist context, Bitch, can indicate a Strong or Assertive Woman, one who may make men feel threatened… I find it truly amazing that this definition is exactly how I started out this blog, where Bitch is a strong woman…  I must disagree, a bitch is simply someone who for no reason at all is a just an arrogant, cocky, rude person…  This can refer to both a male or a female… They can both be a bitch in my book…

The last definition states, when applied to a man, “bitch” is a derogatory term for subordinate… So, it is saying that you are my bitch and I am your boss… Hmm, this is confusing because in essence, above , it stated a strong and assertive person would be the boss and they would be the bitch… So the subordinate could not be the bitch, right???  Seems to me that the word bitch has a lot of mixed connotations as to what it really means… However, we are all going to use the term “Bitch” when we feel the need to throw someone under the bus or get our point across or feel superior… For me, I am a Bitch but which definitions above apply, well depends on what time of day you ask me…

Ciao, Sarah B…

Marvin…what are you thinking…


You know sometimes we have to wonder about Mr. Marvin…  Marvin sent over some ideas about all his wisdom’s, because he thinks he is all that and more… so SarahsViews decided to do a piece about it Marvin, calling it… Marvin’s wisdom’s with a Sarah Bite…  Please enjoy and if you have some wisdom to throw this direction, send em on over baby…  Here we go…

Marvin Says… Nothing sucks more than the moment during an argument when you realize you are wrong…   Sarah Says… WTF… You clearly haven’t picked the right topic.. Never argue about something until you know you got your own back and ass covered!  And you are NEVER wrong… haven’t you learned anything from reading Sarah…

Marvin Says…There is a GREAT need for a “sarcasm” font…  Sarah Say…  You think????  They call that Caps ON… Caps Off… Ever really use your crackberry closely or your laptop, or are you one of those who still type on all Caps???

Marvin Says… How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said???  Sarah Says…  You are just way to freaking nice… What???  WTF did you just say…. is more likely what would come flying out Sarah’s mouth …loudly!!!

Marvin Says…  Map Quest really needs to start their directions at #5…  I am pretty sure I know how to get out of my own freaking neighborhood…  Sarah Says… Map Quest is assuming that you had a wild night out, you drank some shots, you table danced and showed all the gals and fellas your hairy ass chest… before falling into your car and following someone you may or may not know home ( fuck, Marvin.. I really hope it was at least a Gal, Oh Marvin )…  Waking up in a strange bed… not knowing where you are…  seeing some hair peak out of the sheets next to you… clearly you are to afraid to lift them up to see who / what is under them… quietly picking up your own clothes, sneaking out the front door… turning on your Crack Berry and looking at the address on the house and street sign and Map Questing your drunk ass home to “SHOWER” and have some coffee…  So, Please… don’t blame map quest for your wild nights!  It can’t read your dumb ass mind…

Marvin Says…Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died…  Sarah Says…  Marvin, Marvin, Oh Marvin… Please get a life!!!  Do you really have so much extra time on your hands that you are reading the obituaries or are you on the hunt for a new gal and checking out the old dudes that clicked off so you can scope out a “sugar mama”…. HMMM…actually, that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea… Maybe, Sarah will start reading them too…

Marvin Says… I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower and THEN turn on the water…  Sarah Says…  This explains the true meaning of an “Innie”… Whew!!!  No wonder sex in the shower doesn’t really work all that well…

Marvin Says…It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood….  Sarah Says… You think???  WTF… But then, all those “anti” signs carriers hanging around out front would have to then change their signs and slogans and then… you know… it would upset the whole balance of being told you can or can not do something and well… We all know that it just won’t work… So let’s not fuck with what is already a fun topic to fuck with… cuz… then if we keep fucking …well… then you know; there will be this whole trip to Unplanned… and on and on… so, Sarah Says… let’s leave this whole topic alone…  No one will win this one…

Marvin Says…Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what to do with it… Sarah Says… UH… Uh… you are kidding right???   Go ask a 15 year old, give them a computer and let them go at it… they will educate your old ass and you are showing your age Sweetie…

Marvin Says…I hate it when I “just” miss a call on the last ring…. but when I immediately call back, it rings.. 9 times and then goes to voicemail… What do you after I don’t answer???  Drop the phone and run away???  Sarah Says….NO, Dumb Ass!!!  They are teaching you a lesson… You won’t answer their call…So, they are on to the next one who will pick up, cuz they are hungry, horny, she wants some wine and a really good time… So, Marvin.. you just got screwed outta getting screwed by being way to  slow on the pick up… Honey, you gotta step it up to “get it up” baby…  Meow…

Ciao Bella… Sarah B…

Cell phone…cell phone… Go Away…


I was wondering just how special of a person you have to be to talk “loudly” in public on your cell phone???  Are you that important???  Or are you just that pathetic…..  After listing to your conversation that of course I and anyone within a 20 foot radius was forced to endure…  I am starting to lean a bit more in the “pathetic” direction…  I mean really…  Do you honestly think myself and everyone else needed to hear about your day???  What you ate???  What you deposited in the bathroom??? Yes, No, Yes… not sure…   Ooohhh..  not sure???  That in itself is disturbing alone…

What makes you feel so damn important that it is necessary for all of us around you to know about your life???  I really don’t care what time you pick up your kids…. I really don’t care what happened in your day… and I am fairly certain the person whose ass you are riding in line due to your pure ignorance of respect of personal space cares about the fact that your baby girl has a snotty nose and you had to stop by your mom’s house on the way home from work so you could borrow $20 bucks to buy your baby girl some stuff for her whittle stuffy nose… Hey,  I am only repeating it the way you told your friend or should I say “friends” on the other end of the phone call …  because it was quite apparent you made lots of calls….  to lots of people… I would have loved to been able to speak up and say… I don’t see any stuffy nose medicine in your basket, that look more like a bottle of ghetto cat negro white wine at $3.99 a bottle… ooh baby….  nothing like a cheap hangover… that is if one bottle will still give you a hang over.. though judging by your complexion.. I would feel safe to say NO… oh and Hell no… baby….  I am fairly certain your baby girl is home with the neighbor brat and feeling quite fine and the rest of that money will go for gas, some smokes and some drive thru off the dollar menu..  Bt you keep on a calling and talking and baby girl as my cracker ass white ghetto Auntie likes to say… you just have a good night and you give them all a call after you have taken care of that bottle… “baby girl”…  you really have the stuffy nose… and the cell phone to be important…  Real important…

Could be worse… as I experienced the other day standing in the DMV line… which brings up a very important thought.. Is there an IQ requirement to work there???  I am fucking pretty damn sure… answer is NO.. and I could go down the list of a few other govermnent agencies.. but why… I was the DMV….  they are special.. but hell, what could I say, my sorry ass was there too.. right???  Replacing some mis placed ID…the kind that losers who use their cell phones they paid for with other peoples ID’s when they help themselves to their wallets… Oh, wait… get off the soap box and trash tweakers another day.. ( mental note… trash tweakers )… LOL..  like I could forget that.. so back to DMV…where IQ’s to be employed, not required… but better yet…. if you go to a place like the DMV and are forced to endure standing in line for any period of time, you will not only observer or should I say… hear tweakerville mentioned above.. but you also get to experience “texters”… speed  texters… people whom are so engrossed in their new phone that they don’t hear tweakerville, they don’t even know that anyone or thing exists other than their phones that are color coordinated to match their personalities…  they text, they don’t ever look up…. they are texting at least 5 different people at the same time…  They don’t see you, hear you or the person in front of them.. the only reason they move is their head is bent forward looking down at the phone they are texting on and they notice the space of distance now in front of them from the person whom has moved up ahead.. these  people are truly amazing…. However, I am not sure they would be able to engage in an actual oral conversation….  they are only able to communicate thru text… so their phone makes them as important as tweakerville… but we shall call them….hmmm… I am thinking… we shall call them.. BFS Texters… that will stand for Big Fucking Special Texters…  Ahhh… my day at the grocery store and the DMV…  just doesn’t fucking get any better… now does it…  Howver, I now know how important a cell phone can make you… lol!!!  NOT….

Ciao Bella.. Bitchy Ass Sarah B…. I think I will go pour myself a glass of white ghetto wine, make a few calls and text a few people before calling it a night, so I can fit right in…

And What’s Your Sign…


 So Baby… just what is your sign???  Ever hear that lame ass line when you are out trying to have a great evening with the girls or boys???  Or someone who is so fucking proud of their Zodiac sign that they announce it to everyone they meet like it is a badge of honor???  Well…  here is SarahsViews and interpretation of your Zodiac signs…

AQUAIRIUS    You have an inventive mind are inclined to be progressive or repressive in my opinion…  You lie a great deal…  Like you don’t already know that…  You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are “SS” we call that “super stupid”…  Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk…  I really know you are a fucking jerk and now you do too… So liar…  get over yourself…  Go invent some new shit and sell it to someone who believes it…  Oh… you already did!!!

PISCES     You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads and you think only with the head of your dick or your special box.  You are quick to reprimand, inpatient and full of advice, because it is all about you…you… and oh yeah.. YOU… Dumb ASS…  You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with…  You are a prick… Asshole… Dick… Bitch… etc… I could go on…  But you are so self-serving, you actually think I am complimenting you…  LOL!!!

ARIES     You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA, well… actually you are, because you are usually a criminal or associate with them…  You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power, LOL…that is funny, that is when your friends arent’ in jail…  You lack confidence and are a general dipshit…  But if it makes you feel better… at least you aren’t a Pisces…  whew!!!

TAURUS   You as practical and persistent as a stupid fucking fruit fly or as I like to call them a “fucker fly” that I can’t swat fast enough to get rid off…   You are a nasty pest…  You have a dogged determination and work like hell…   Oh please…  like I believe that…  Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed…  You are nothing but a god damned dick… kiss ass… suck up and oh…go wipe your nose… it appears to be covered in something brown!!!

GEMINI   You are quick and intelligent thinker…  People like you because you are bisexual…  I just think you are Bi-Polar!!!  You are inclined to expect too much for too little…  This means you are a cheap bastard…  As in cheap ass mother fucker… who buys Night Train and pours it into an expensive bottle you dug out of your neighbors recycle bin to feel better about yourself and look good to others… depends on if you are Lisa Dark or Lisa Bright today…  Gemini’s are notorious for thriving on incest…  Hey.. stay the fuck away from me!!!  You are scaring the hell out of my cat and dog… both of you… Go Away!!!

CANCER   You are sooo sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which makes you a fat big sucker…  One dumb ass lame… sucker…  You are always putting things off…  Because you can’t get jack shit done…  This is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit… Sucker…  Hey this is your sign not mine.. I didn’t make this shit up… I just found it on the internet… so it must be true…  Everyone in prison is a Cancer…  Wow…  Know anyone there???  I do…  hopefully it won’t be you…

LEO     You consider yourself a born leader…  Then you woke up in a sticky puddle…  Others think you are an idiot…   I know you are an idiot…  One arrogant mother fucker… Most Leo’s are bullies… with big heads and small heads at the same time… oops… if you are  woman… you just suck or will suck!!!  You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism…  Your arrogance is disgusting…  and yet so appealing at the same time… I am scared to admit it… Leo people are thieving mother fuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex… Wow…  that is sad…  Yet… if you take videos we can upload them onto U-Tube and make some dough.. so work it baby!!!

VIRGO    You are the logical type and hate disorder… You make the rest of us fucking nuts because you are so damn annoying and can’t shut the fuck up…and must always have the last word… Asshole!!!  Your shit picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co workers… assuming you have them…  You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking…  Whatever it is that you choose to fuck and honey… I don’t want to know… Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps…  At least you will always have job security in those industries!!!

LIBRA    You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality…  Because you are a fucking whack job…  If you are male you are probably gay…  OH well… at least someone has to bring you outta of the closet… Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil… You don’t seem surprised by that… but more surprised that we actually mentioned the word employment and you in the same sentence…  Most Libra women are whores… Again.. job security!!!   All Libras die of venereal disease…  I will pass on that one…and not be playing in your cat box or sand trap…

SCORPIO    You are the worst of the lot…  You are nothing but dirty sneaky bastards all the way…  You are shrewd in business and can not be trusted… EVER!!!   You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics…  Ethics… WTF are those???  You will screw anyone and everyone to get what YOU want…because after all , this is about you… Scorpio… they are just nothing but dirty bastards who will own your ass if you don’t watch out… You think you are the perfect son of a bitch…  Most Scorpios are murdered… and rightfully so…  You better run… hide… before they find you… cuz they are looking sweetie…

SAGITARIUS    You are optimistic and enthusiastic…  LOL… You dumb ass!!!   You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no real talent…  Oops…didn’t mean to let the cat outta the bag on that one…  you should have figured it out by the pile of shit you have lying around…The majority of Sagitarians are drunks…  Hey… nothing wrong with that…  You are a worthless piece of shit…  Oops.. outside typing fingers again!!!  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news for you…  At least you know and can plan where to buy your next bottle of booze from…

CAPRICORN    You are conservative and afraid of taking risks… That is what we in the real world call a Pansy Ass and you are basically chicken shit…  There has never been a Capricorn of any importance…  EVER…  You shall kill yourself…  Hey… again, not me…  I found it on the net… so it must be true… Please don’t breed… there no point… get over it and yourself and move on down the road… to where ever your kind goes… you really have no purpose… we call that thinning out the herd…

Ciao… One mean Scorpio Sarah B Bitch…

Sarahs Bitch Crew

Why We Need Duct Tape… Important!!!


As all of us poor “white, ghetto & whatever else for you happen to be of…trash”… are familiar with it what it is like to have to be creative in making things work… It isn’t like we can all whip out our credit cards and go buy whatever the fuck we want…  I mean, really…. Not like they are gonna give one to me or to anyone I associate with… Honey…. last time I checked, I am pretty sure…  my credit is so fucking special that I am what is considered to be a “credit criminal”… No.. you moron, not like someone who goes out and steals ID’s… but more like someone who says “sucker” to the dumb ass credit card agency that was stupid enough to send me an actual card… and actually think I am gonna pay them back…  WTF are they thinking…. didn’t they pull my credit report before sending it to me…. Hey… in my opinion, my credit report is “full disclosure” that I do not and have never had any intentions of ever repaying any “credit” that some dumb ass sucker chose to gave to me…   It isn’t like I can hide my credit past… I am simply “using” the gift presented to me…

Then comes reality….  Ah.. something just broke and I can’t go to the store and pick up a new one, a part of a new one or even a take something back to get a new one.. Hell no…  all I got to my name is $3….. We know I gotta save $2 bucks for $2 Buck Chuck…. those of you whom may not have a “Trader Joes”… that is where I can go buy a bottle of a step above the ghetto negro cat white wine and the cost is $2 Bucks…So, this leaves me$1 freaking dollar to my name….  How can I fix what needs fixing with a buck???  Oh hell… come on… this is a damn recession…. where do you and every one else you know, shops at today…. either proudly or with dark glasses on and driving 20 miles out of their way to avoid being seen by the other snobs in their neighborhood…  Well sweet cheeks…. we shop at the freaking $1 Store of course…. You can find everything you need (except wine!!! ) at the dollar store… damn… why don’t they sell wine???

Now… I drive my lame ass to get my wine…  then I drive my ass quite proudly to the nearest dollar store by my Apartment… maybe not so much in pride as in the sheer lack of gas in my car…  remember…I am poor white trash…  (at least for this blog bella…) I haul my ass into the store… grab my little green hand basket… as though I am actually going to fill it up with dollar items… yeah right!!!!  I walk straight to the home improvement isle of the store… look… look again, damn it had better be here…  Ahhh… there it is… “Duct Tape”… the master of all repair materials…. I love my Duct Tape… I proudly walk to the cashier.. acting as though I have to search thru my wallet amongst all my large bills to find a dollar bill… you know baby, it is all about the “show” the “smoke”….the whatever…  Anyway, I buy my big gray roll of duct tape… Oooh Baby!!   I am gonna get back in my 1990’s Chrysler… K car…what color you ask???  White of course… and I am going to drive my white trash mobile to my apartment and I am gonna do some repairs…

First…  My damn dish washer wants to fall out when I open the door… Simple fix…. open door… take 4 long strips of tape and wrap them from the top of the counter to the inside of the top part of the dishwasher… Ahhh… fixed!  I am getting the sense that I could achieve a “semi” stainless look in my kitchen if I use enough of this magic fix all….Next… my vertical blinds… well… seems a few of them won’t stay in the clips…  simple … get up on a chair…. get a few small pieces of tape…. and wrap it around the top of the blind to the clip…. 2 down… how many more to go…. Lets go to the bathroom… the toilet paper roll has a messed up spring…. so it keeps popping out… ooh… this will be easy… tape it to the bar…. Ahhh… 3 down…  Microwave door handle keeps falling down… seems to have lost a fucking screw and I wish I could say I gotta a screw… I mean that I found the screw… but.. anyway… No screw…but you know what I got???  Duct tape… just tape that handle to the microwave and to really make sure it sticks make it go up and over the door…really feeling more like a modern kitchen with each repair…  Ahhh… 4 down…  Wait…  when I was driving home… I hate hearing the passenger side window rattle…the handle keeps jarring loose…. Yes, I said handle… this is a “K” car remember… with plush faded blue interior and a “bench” seat….  Ooh baby!!!  I am now gong to tape that damn handle into place and run the tape up the window!!!!  Mother won’t move now….  So…what else can I do… I am having issues with my bra… the wire keeps poking out…and this poor white trash can’t afford a new one this week… so… I think I will tape the wire securely in…  ( that was not such a great idea… in case it crosses your mind.. it itches!!!)  However in looking in the mirror as I was getting out of the shower yesterday morning…I noticed my pointers were starting to become setters and wondered if  maybe I should give some thought to giving myself a “duct tape” boob lift!!!

Duct Tape Baby….  Girls gotta have it… it is a fix all… it even keeps the bottom of that special toy together so the batteries don’t fall out…

Ciao Bella…. “White Trash” Sarah B…

(This is all made up except the battery part!!  LOL )