A Little Vino Please…

Recently, while taking a much needed mental break from my office, a girlie friend and I decided to take a break, enjoy the cold winter sun and walk to the local wine bar up the street..  Seriously, we were the only two working that day, it was hot, no phones ringing.. so what the hell was the harm in it?  To the average adult female, not a god damn thing, but to the the typical tight ass bitch, who can’t think without a man or a god telling them what is right or wrong.. well that bitch would rot in the same hell she has spend her “stepford wife” life trying to avoid.. ahh… but really, when down deep, we all know she really wants to experience letting it all go, doing WTF ever she really wants to and not have to feel guilt or panic that she may go to hell, that her kids should smell a tad bit of relaxation on her breath or worse yet her ball and chain… Oh… oops, I meant her “husband”… because in religion, she really isn’t much more than a breeder, house servant and the occasional…oh why do I even need to go there… so.. .We trek our little asses up the street in the early afternoon to a wonderful little wine bar with intentions of having a nice appetizer and a glass of Fume Blanc… light, crisp and refreshing…  It is nice, the sun is out, the sliding wall doors are open for indoor and out door relaxation… we are all of 5 minutes from work…

Cell phones are at our desk… Work is left behind.. ahh.. Some “OK” fume blanc is on the chalk board written menu… Ahhh… as we enter we hear the chatter.. the pitter patter of little feet or should we say little mouths!!!  Lots and lots of little mouths… It is a flipping wine bar for Christ sake at 12:30 in the freaking afternoon… isn’t there a sign somewhere that says “no short noisy ” talky talky ” people allowed in…  No???? Why the hell not???  Oh… well, after standing line for a good 7 to 9 minutes while this “mother” allowed her 6 & 8 year old daughters first order whatever they wanted to eat.. then the mother talked to them as though they were adults… My friend could sense my annoyance and my mouth begun to utter the uselessness not of the children, after all they are only children, but of the mother.. whom clearly doesn’t work and whose only level of communication is with that of 6 & 8 year olds….  I make it a point to tell my companion that where ever they sat, I wanted to be on the opposite end of the place… she agreed and was beginning to fidget herself with annoyance… while this is all going on, we have both spotted the wine list,  written in chalk and calling our names… The more the mother talked like a 6 year old… the louder the wine called us… Hogue ( not that bad  ) Fume Blanc… I could feel the first sip go down while standing in line… Eagerly I thought of sitting in quiet, with my friend as far from the noise so we could take 30 minutes, relax, not discuss the bullshit of work  or the day but instead focus on making fun of all the idiots at the wine bar in the middle of teh day… Ahh.. the sound of the children walking farther and father away with their “mama”…

Finally we are at the bar, waiting for our turn to order…  My credit card out… when a very nice, large, important server took our order.. how did I know she was important..well of course it was because she had a “blue tooth” on her ear.. she was just fucking special.. so special that while working.. she would take personal phone calls… Imagine if you will, that… a rather large woman of over 250 pounds and at least 5″10″ tall…with one arm full of tatoos and the makeup of the 1980’s and hair of the 1990’s… stands next to your table and you order a glass of wine and she starts to write it down and then in mid stride…says, what the hell do you mean, you can’t pick me up after my shift?  WTF???  You are sitting there thinking to yourself.. I know I am on my second.. maybe 3rd glass of wine.. but at no point do I remember offering to take her home… you say pardon me… she looks at you annoyed because after all you are interrupting her call… and holds up her hand to you as if to say… excuse me, this is important.. she points to her ear.. as though you do not see the black growth on the side of her face the randomly beeps a light at you… she is put out that you had the nerve to interrupt her.. you wait patiently…wait…wait…and oh wait..then she lets her caller know what a piece of shit he is.. and that she will take the bus… Oh…let’s toss in a bit of guilt… and screw you… and ends the call.. what I can not figure out is how she ends the call.. I don’t see her hang up anything…. oh well..  maybe now she will get back to taking your order or maybe not.. because now she will have to step all over her dick if she had one… maybe she does…I am not quite sure at this point and will apologize to you about that incident you just witnessed… LIKE YOU REALLY GIVE A FLYING FUCK!!!  ALL YOU WANT IS A FUCKING GOD DAMN GLASS OF WINE AND NOW DUE TO THIS BITCH.. YOU WANT TWO GLASSES!!!… however, you are not a bitch..yet.. you instead.. politely tell her no worries… and that of course leads her to believe she can talk more to you on a personal level… however.. she finally shuts the fuck up…  you order your wine… finally… she brings you the wrong one… all while talking back to her loser boyfriend about a ride once again.. like anyone one wants to really “ride” her wide load!!!

Did I digress??? Shit,   Sorry… so this person is now taking my order at counter…  I anxiously whip out my credit card…. stand there patiently… she once again has the blue tooth thing in her ear….  I say… we would love two glasses of Fume Blanc please, the Hogue.. stunned, confused.. she searches the register….  up.. down.. around..Hmm.. what wine did you want again.. feigning politeness.. I repeat.. the Hogue – Fume Blanc, white wine?  The one over there written on the chalk board… she looks at the board… clearly needing glasses.. strains…. to see what is written.. what was it again?  It is now becoming increasingly more difficult for me to tune out the screaming children.. the mother talking like a 6 year old and the 1980’s, goth, tattooed.. blue tooth wearing…dumb as a freaking sack of rocks server whom can’t tell the difference between white or red wine let alone where the hell to find it on the freaking register… my smile falters.. my friend elbows.. me, slowly I began to retract my extended credit card… she, the waitress, server, whatever the hell her job was… stammers some more.. what was the wine?  FUME BLANC by HOGUE… see????  You have it WRITTEN under WHITE freaking god damn wines on YOUR board right over there… Oh that board… we don’t carry those by the glass.. we only have house white or red….  I am once again nudged by my side kick…  I say… that’s if OK… we will leave… the server.. says.. are you sure… I am sure I can find the owner and we can figure out a price per glass??? OH Hell NO… it cost like $8 a bottle in the freaking store… I will pass… now my blood pressure is up… my days shit to deal with at the office is all gone, forgotten and my focus is now on why we even bothered to go to this place for a glass of wine… when every damn experience has been this way… we turn to leave.. saying under our breaths but loud enough to get the point across… we will never come here again..  we vent on our way back to the office.. a short walk.. we instead walk to 7-11 and buy candy bars and continue to complain…  Once back to work, it dawns on us that without the glass of wine… the same goal had been accomplished… We forgot about our shitty ass day and now know that someone out there with a blue tooth glued to her fucking face was having a far worse day than us… Thank You Baby Jesus for that!!!  It should not have made us smile… but you know what… It sure as hell did Baby…

So screw that!!! I am going to pour myself a nice glass of believe it or not… It is not going to be  Hogue, Fume Blanc and finish this crappy little blog up because now it is purely the principle of the matter… May your tomorrow lunch be far better than my yesterday…

Ciao Bella… Sarah B….

Art work of Gregory Hergert


  1. gregory hergert · December 11, 2009

    Haha I like the buying candy bars part of the story!…actually lets have guillotines to deal with bluetooth blather!

  2. Robin Seymour · December 11, 2009

    Ahh… Mr. Gregory…this was one of those few stories that was actually based on my real day… while I missed out on a much needed and better noted, desired wine at lunch, the chocolate was oh so sinful… even when coming from a corner store… May the blue tooth be forever banned or dubbed part of the GC connection group… Ciao Sarah B…

  3. Corie · February 6, 2012

    I love this story! 🙂 reminds me of days gone by…..

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