Oh my… It looks as though I can fly…


 

Fly Fly Fly...

Fly Fly Fly…

I am sooo not sure when this happened, I mean… WTF… I swear last month, this was not the case… I am not even sure whose body this is anymore…  In my mind I am still a size 4… in the mirror though it appears I am in a fun house and someone has added the digit number 1 in front of my 4… I repeat… WTF…  4 or 14…which is it???

I am certain last night when I went to sleep in my normal pj’s that I have worn for a few years that I was a size 4… OK..maybe I was pushing a size 6… well… maybe I am fudging abit… it may be a comfy size 8ish to 10???  Maybe, but not a 1 and 4!!!  I know these pj’s are a tad bit snug around the mid driff… well… OK… maybe I have been squirming at night because they are leaving a ring around the waist line… but that is just water weight from too much salt… too much wine… and oh yeah, don’t forget the block of cheese I consumed this past week… but it was soooo good and I needed to get it out of the house so I would not eat anymore of it…  I know it would be a true sin of the holy spirit who made me a 14 to throw it a way…. NO… that would have been sacrilegious…  SO… I ate it all… I was saving myself…

Now as I stand in front of this mirror and as I pick up my once firm breast and position them where they should go… you know… making them pointers instead of setters with the assist of my hands underneath… I noticed something more frightening than that… causing me to drop them and hold my arms straight out to my sides and roll them in circles as we did in PE class many many decades ago… as I did this.. they swung too and fro…the undersides of my once tight taught arms… they now have grown… like my ears and nose… they continue to grow…

Now… they look like I could take off any moment… in mid-flight… so this is how it goes…as we near the time of our passing and leaving this odd place we call earth… we women are granted the gift to fly to the light above while the men are left to wait for some female to come and drag their asses to the light.. ah… I see how this aging process is going…   However, thank the heavenly things above us for inventing cosmetic surgery… because I ain’t no fucking flying squirrel, bat or bird… no I am here to stay and as long as I have money…this bitch ain’t flying nowhere… but perhaps I better get rid of the cheese…wine…and so forth … now you go…  you go fly away… beat it… thsi bitch is going on a liquid diet…what type I will never tell… but I am sure I will be too drunk to fly anywhere…

Ciao… bella… Sarah the flying squirrel … on her way to meet the trainer to get her ass kicked…

work it bitch

 

Happy Birthday To Me… Happy Birthday To Me???


Joy oh Joy… the joyous gifts that we as women are given on our birthdays…  You know what birthday I mean, correct, the one that start the next cycle of our lives… oh what a fun journey this next cycle will be… Humph!!!

I guess using the term, gift and cycle in the same paragraph is miss leading, on this birthday, my cycle decided to give me a little more than normal, it decided to hang around awhile, hmmm, I muttered to myself… well that is odd, haven’t had this issue before, in the back of my mind, I was in denial as to what this could potentially mean, perhaps, I am just having an odd month, you know, lots of stress, maybe not enough exercise or better yet, I decided it was from not enough sex… determining this to be the case, I made mental note to attack my other half upon the moment he entered the door when he came home…  that would fix this extra birthday gift and make it go away…

After repeatedly using this approach, one evening, while dozing, I began to notice that the room had become extremely…shall we say… a freaking blazing inferno….oh my freaking god… Please get this sea of blankets off of me know… I struggle to get my leg out of the blanket all while managing to piss off our cat at the foot of the bed, begrudgingly, he spat at me, showing me his annoyance and he moved over to my husbands side of the bed, what the hell…  did we leave the heat on ultra high before going to bed earlier, I struggled to remember, no, I know we didn’t, wow…one let out is not going to do the trick, I wondered what I was thinking when I wore a tee shirt and sleeping bottoms, they were now stuck to me, a bit damp I was… second leg out… what is that trickling between my breast is that water???  Did the cat piss on me because I woke him up… now struggling to fully waken myself, I see the fur ball snuggled close to my husband, he has not pissed on me, why am I wet???  Crap… I am freaking burning up, my hair is damp… I toss all the covers fully off of me, throwing them onto my husband, I am sure I have fever and to have one this high, I must be close to death… surely there is no other reason to be this warm…  do I have food poisoning???  Why am I sweating…   crap… I began to realize I am cold… damn, give me those covers back and I want them now… I grab them off my husband and take a few of his at the same time… I prepare myself for a bad case of the flue tomorrow morning, because I know to have this type of fever, means that I will be hugging the porcelain bowl and not want to be far from it, I am sure of this…  I doze and go back to a sound sleep, when I wake, I am fine, other than when I went to bed, I had straight hair and in my rage of sweat, I must have gotten my hair wet and it is now curly and fuzzy… nice, what a beauty I am as I look in the mirror…  funny though I don’t feel sick…

It was 3 nights later, I repeated this pattern and after a few more weeks of the on and off switch with my body’s thermostat, I began to self diagnose, because somewhere in the back of my mind…  a little voice was saying… you know, that was a very significant number you just hit on your birthday… right???

About 2 months later as I was at work, I was talking to a co worker, while sitting at my desk, I began to notice that I was starting to get hot, the hair on the back of my neck felt like a heavy wool coat!!!  I looked at my co worker as I began to feel like perspiration on my upper lip… I asked him the only thing I could think of… is it HOT in here…. Or it is just me???  He looks at me and says nope, it is actually a bit cool in here today… Damn… I was so afraid that is what he would say…  shall we say going forward, for the next 2 months, I learned to dress in layers in the dead of winter and a pony tail became my hair style of choice, I began to understand why so many women as they got older chose short  hair…   I began to wonder if maybe, just maybe I could possibly, you know.. Me entering.. that M stage of my life…  This would require research…

With Google as a girl’s best friend and my husband asleep, I crept to our home office and plugged in the M word in search bar… I read all about it, when it starts, what the symptoms were.. fuck.. I had almost all of them… denial has been my friend, years of taking care of my body, eating healthy, exercising… and it has betrayed me… damn body, in my mind that meant I could betray it back… I lay in bed, partially covered prepared for the heat wave, one leg out, our cat had learned it was safer to sleep next to my husband than potentially risk being kicked awake every few nights… I decided I would sleep on it…

In the morning, I went to the health food store and bought all the natural remedies I could find… after 3 weeks, I realized I had just simply donated hard earned money and still continued to dress in layers and had now resorted to 2 fans on the side of my bed… it became all too clear… it was time to see a DR… it had been a few years, kids were grown.. life was full, so hadn’t taken the time to visit the lay down and spread em doctor…

When I called to make an appointment, I found she had moved to a new state… they said they would set me up with a new DR, a male doctor… I said no thank you, I didn’t want to explain this man… how would he understand…  So, I did the next best thing.. I went to my girlfriend, who was a few years older than myself…  I met her for wine and we talked and I explained the past several months’ events and she was all to sympathetic, letting me know that her time has started a few years ago.. she had opted for the natural way though and could not refer me to a doctor… was she fucking nuts… who would opt for natural when after I realized my natural approach didn’t work, I had crept back to the office one night and with google as my friend and no longer in denial, I searched.. .menopause and how the fuck to make the symptoms go away…

She offered to ask several of her girlfriends for a referral for me… I thanked her and we finished our girls catch up time and wine and we headed our separate ways for the evening… As I got to the work the next morning, I turned on my computer and went to check my email and true to form, my friend had sent out an email that read…  My first and last name has started having hot flashes and is looking for a gynecologist can anyone refer her to one… now everyone knew… I didn’t know to say… so I closed my email… put my hair in a ponytail, removed my first layer… and went to work.. at lunch I opened back up my email and there we numerous emails from friends of our age group that had replied with referrals and shared stories of misery that made me laugh… seems I was not alone in this and that I had entered a new cycle of my life with this birthday that brought me to a new sisterhood, an odd way to bond, but a nice way to start a new chapter… next week, I shall meet my new DR that is referred by many of the women on the email chain and if this DR knows what is good for her and she wants to leave the office in one piece, I will leave her office with a prescription to make me go back to normal…  Happy Birthday to me…

Ciao Bella… a Pissed Off Sarah…

How Old Are You…Really???


They say age is simply just a number…well I think those dirty bastards are lying and it is really the best way to mind fuck yourself into doing or not doing something stupid in your life…

Let’s talk about your 20’s…  You think you are on top of the world… your ass is as perky as your tits and your dick, while as hard a rock… is quick to react and or should I say… over react… and really seems to think that being  “six-shooter” is something to be proud of…  NOT!!! The problem is that in your 20’s you think you are invincible, hot and can do anything you fucking want to…  Well… you are hot!!!  But… you are not invincible and doing anything you fucking want to do will bite you in the ass a few decades later…  While you are “perky”… you are also as dumb as a sack of rocks and believe anything that flies out the mouth of  “Mr. quick fire”…  neither of you have a fucking clue and the sad part is you aren’t going to know that for quite some time to come… and all your actions, desires and impulses are only going to haunt you for decades… My advice is to keep your box on lock down… your six-shooter… well covered to protect against “future” unplanned college educations you will both now have to figure out how to finance…  I can say all of this… cuz I was 20 something once…

Ahh… the undesired number 30…is next… OMG!!! You are now “30”…where did your youth go???  Inside as I type this… I am laughing my ass off because you are an idiot!!!  Your youth is still there and your 30’s…well, lets say these will be some of the worst years of your life… They will suck!!!  Suck like a “Hoover” baby… speaking of Babies… let’s talk about them… Did you cover that thing or lock it down???  Nope???  Great… Now you are saddled to someone who used to have perky tits and a tight ass… and used to have a full head of hair on his head that seems to be moving down his back… while you two shuffle your life around now, not 1 but 2 children because after all… you were in your 20’s and full of  “Gum Drops and Rainbows”  and look where the pot of gold has gotten you now…  You “just” had to have each other… now you “hate” each other… neither of you can get a decent job cuz… you didn’t finish your degree cuz you became baby makers… or as I call them… breeders…  In an attempt to save your marriage you decide to pop out  a 3rd child…  What a bright move that is…  Now you have attached yourself to this person you really want to escape for an additional 18 plus years, you idiots…  Good luck…  it only gets worse… It isn’t until you finally part company… screw anything that walks for a months  ( years for those who are really slow to figure it out ) while trying to regain the youth of your 20’s back… your perky breast are now sitting a bit lower and your ass resembles last weeks cottage cheese…  However… you have spent so much time being a partner and parent… that at least you still have your wardrobe from your 20’s and your hair style… or at least she does… He is starting to expose a bit more forehead… and or has shaved his head… his ass has now sunk in and he his starting to get man boobs that are perkier than hers… (ooh!!)   Now as you near the end of your 30’s… you are about to enter a new phase of mind fuck…  I know this cuz…I was 30 something once…

Your 40’s…  Let’s talk about this interesting phase of your life…  You now want to be 20 again ( You Idiot!!!)… They do say today that your 40’s are the new 20’s… so you now have justification to act 20…right???  Does that also mean the true 20 year olds are really not there to compete with you as you try to buy their clothes and cars???  Or keep up with them at the gym, the language, the hair styles, or and or and or… I will say this…  Your 40’s are the best decade of your life as of yet…  You have the confidence to finally be who you really are… should have been or wanted to be and you don’t give a rats ass about what anyone else thinks.  You are the new 20’s and if you were smart…  you either divorced well or learned how to make a good living so you can remove those signs of aging…  You have figured out that you don’t need anyone or anything for during your 40’s as you are quite capable of entertaining yourself or finding anyone of any age to entertain youand as for you men… you now can buy that special car, get a great fake tan, go to the gym and nail that 20 something-year-old for the night.. but good luck… because remember the sand trap you got yourself into at 20 and how it happened???  You were screwing a 20-year-old then and you just finished paying your kids college education… hopefully you snipped it and won’t repeat THAT mistake again… what we come to realize in both men and women at this age is that sex with younger folks or just anyone… isn’t anything compared to someone of the same confidence and mental caliber that comes with someone mentally in age and drive to them… that shit goes a lot further in the bedroom and in a life partner than  those perky tits and a 6 shooter… that is what you learn in your 40’s…  And again… I am 40 something…so I can say this… and not give a shit if you care about what I write about or not…

I don’t know about the 50’s yet… but I am sure they are marketing those blue pills for just that reason and I will be the first to stand in line for them… for 60’s and beyond… we will just have to wait and see…

Ciao Bell… 40 Something Sarah B…