Drunk Monkeys and Fruit Flies…


Oh yeah Baby… that caught your attention didn’t it… I mean really… What on earth do “Drunk Monkeys and Fruit Flies” have in common?  I know you are wondering, questioning, thinking… pondering… fondling… wait that is another blog to be written about later… Oh sugar, let me tell you… they got a whole lot more in common than we could ever imagine…

Sweetie pie… sugar muffin…  lover lips…  gooey bear… or as a friend of my is known to say… gooey duck… Well now, have you gagged yet… I have just typing that shit and it made me wanna hurl…  that is what Sarah likes to call the cooing of a “Drunk Monkey”… I mean really, who the fuck talks that way… let alone when trying to pick up on someone… sitting down starting to have a decent conversation, add a few adult beverages to the table, of course ordered by the monkey itself, well on the way to being a drunk monkey…  It starts off well enough, he is decent looking,  dressed OK, has most of his hair, no ring on his finger…  you zero in on him… thinking, damn girlfriend, this could be your lucky night to score a good one…

The monkey makes his way up to you… you tuck your muffin top down as far as you can beneath the table top… you tug a the 2 sizes v neck shirt you have on to pull the “V” down to show off the girls… ahhh… those girls, what they wouldn’t give for a little action this evening… the monkey spots those girls… the big long wide ass cleavage bigger than an ass crack… how can he resist… he can’t, he staggers over to your table… Belt buckle all big and shiny… his pants so snug you can see the outline of the money clip in his pocket… however you are thinking to yourself…  I hope that is a money clip and not something else… you can’t take your eyes of it as he slowly, ever so slowly due to the few “cocktails” he has already had before spotting your ass crack above below your chin… wait, I am sorry, that is your cleavage and those are your girls… fuck, I will get it right… hard to tell the difference!

Now, you and he are engrossed in an in-depth conversation about the increase in the park rent where his single wide currently sits and him sharing his dream with you of moving it to some land and having some …. uh, what are those things called… oh yeah, some pigs and chickens… OMG… you are thinking, this could be the one, the night you meet the perfect one for you… you have always wanted some of those wild things in your yard for your kids to chase… OMG… better suck that muffin top in some more and now you are just resting the girls on the table, the ass crack is there for him and the rest of the bar to see…. after round 5… the monkey now on his way to being a total drunk ass monkey makes his move and reaches over and swallows your face… you are in heaven…  you let him know you want to see that single wide…  he is happy to obliged…

You both get up and you realize it may be best if you drive… he is a bit wobbly… to your Plymouth Duster you go… the nice orange one with bad breaks… the two of you… climb inside, he begins to wash your whole face with a big ass wet nasty kiss… you get that special tingle… in your little boxaroo… tonight is gonna be your night babycakes… he is telling you… sugar muffin, I am going to bury myself in those girls… you are so excited you can’t put the car in gear fast enough…

You drive to his place, getting lost 2 times because his shots of shitty ass black velvet are kicking in high gear, finally, you reach is tin tee pee, you are so excited… he opens the door and falls out of the car…you race to his side to pick him up, he falls face first in your ass crack… I mean the girls… shit, I can’t tell the difference… this makes you tingle some more… in the trailer you go… you let him lead you to his crushed velvet headboard and bed… you are so excited, you both undress… you toss yourself on the bed and he falls forward onto you… telling you he is gonna give you the … the… he is silent… you ask him…. what lover boy, what are you gonna give me… lover boy…what???  All you hear is snoring… No… No… this can’t be… this was the night, the night you were gonna give it up…the night you were gonna get rid of the fruit flies from that dried up thing… you been saving for the one…  Instead…  you are left with a Drunk Monkey and you still got your fruit flies…

Yowza baby girl… Sarah Says to fork up some cash and paid to get that thing serviced…

Ciao… Sarah B… who ain’t got no fruit flies buzzing around her…

This Thong’s For You…


Never…. End of Blog…    Really, I am not kidding… the answer is Never… if you really have to ask or think about it… then let me tell you that you are truly unique and have no concept of comfort or looking at yourself in the mirror before leaving your house…   First off, lets start with what the fuck a “thong” is… It is a tiny piece of material for the back of your wide ass and an little tiny wider piece of material that is supposed to cover your “box”  “your bush”…”your little sweet spot”… or “your special button”… I can go on.. but I hope you got the point…

Let’s start with the part that goes on your ASS….  It doesn’t matter what type of ass you have… let’s think about this together…  You are putting on a pair of undies… or shall we say a “Thong” that the piece going up the back of your ass is as wide a band aid at best…  but it gets better… it gets wider at the top… Why???  Is it going to keep the tops of your buttocks warm???  It is a fashion statement that it rides to the top of your hips and pants today ride below them.. so we get a full on visual when you bend over of your “hot pink” buttock warmers.. climbing out the top of your jeans that are gapping in the back as you bend over and we can see the piece of “hot pink” material disappearing in what is assumed to be your Crack.. yes.. I said your Crack.. you crack head… why???  Does it “feel normal for you to have some dental floss grinding away all day long at the insides of your cheeks….  maybe it is your way of getting a dental floss wax job on the inside of your crack as it friction is slowly rubbing off the hair on your ass… Oh please… all of ya got it unless you actually shave the inside of your cheeks and that is just way too much information… So, now I have been told that you “Get Used To It”… OK, I can get used to a lot of things… I suppose you are right… I can get used to alot of things… Typically though when I am “having” to get used to something… It is because I HAVE NO OPTIONS…. not because I am into self torture…  so getting used to it… Nah, I will pass… and I am ok without my hips showing out the tops of my pants with my buttocks warmer sticking out of the tops and you looking to see where the material disappears ….

Now let’s talk about the ‘button” warmer…  OMG… please come on… the dental floss crawling up your ass is nothing to this piece of material that is so narrow for the front part that it can’t decide if it is going to “sit” firmly in the center of your “box”… ride to the left and expose and right lip or ride to the right and expose the left…  Hell it gets worse… wear jeans that are just a bit too snug and it will crawl off both lips baby and wrap itself firmly around your little button giving you the image – visual of camel toe… and a few other things a bit to  hairy and hanging out on each side that I think you have the idea of where I am going…. but Oh Wait… I will get used to it!!!  Why the fuck would I want too???  Cuz I have a hot date later and I know I am going to be getting lucky and when I pull my jeans down.. with his help… I have a lip hanging out… a button all wadded up and I need to peel the dental floss out of my crack because it is stuck to the back of my ass from not doing such a good job of wiping all day long…  Yep… I will get used to it all right…

Thongs are meant for those who think they are “something” they are not.. 18 year olds and strippers… The last time I checked and looked all ALL my girly friends… none of you fit that group and none of you should be wearing a thong… sister… embrace your ass and body and dress for comfort and not to please someone who is only going to take them down faster than you could get them on as you can’t figure out what way is the front and what way is the back… LOL… so just get the fuck over yourself sister… you don’t need a thong to be a hot mama… Real Women “Don’t” wear thongs!!!

Ciao… Sarah B…