Oh my… It looks as though I can fly…


 

Fly Fly Fly...

Fly Fly Fly…

I am sooo not sure when this happened, I mean… WTF… I swear last month, this was not the case… I am not even sure whose body this is anymore…  In my mind I am still a size 4… in the mirror though it appears I am in a fun house and someone has added the digit number 1 in front of my 4… I repeat… WTF…  4 or 14…which is it???

I am certain last night when I went to sleep in my normal pj’s that I have worn for a few years that I was a size 4… OK..maybe I was pushing a size 6… well… maybe I am fudging abit… it may be a comfy size 8ish to 10???  Maybe, but not a 1 and 4!!!  I know these pj’s are a tad bit snug around the mid driff… well… OK… maybe I have been squirming at night because they are leaving a ring around the waist line… but that is just water weight from too much salt… too much wine… and oh yeah, don’t forget the block of cheese I consumed this past week… but it was soooo good and I needed to get it out of the house so I would not eat anymore of it…  I know it would be a true sin of the holy spirit who made me a 14 to throw it a way…. NO… that would have been sacrilegious…  SO… I ate it all… I was saving myself…

Now as I stand in front of this mirror and as I pick up my once firm breast and position them where they should go… you know… making them pointers instead of setters with the assist of my hands underneath… I noticed something more frightening than that… causing me to drop them and hold my arms straight out to my sides and roll them in circles as we did in PE class many many decades ago… as I did this.. they swung too and fro…the undersides of my once tight taught arms… they now have grown… like my ears and nose… they continue to grow…

Now… they look like I could take off any moment… in mid-flight… so this is how it goes…as we near the time of our passing and leaving this odd place we call earth… we women are granted the gift to fly to the light above while the men are left to wait for some female to come and drag their asses to the light.. ah… I see how this aging process is going…   However, thank the heavenly things above us for inventing cosmetic surgery… because I ain’t no fucking flying squirrel, bat or bird… no I am here to stay and as long as I have money…this bitch ain’t flying nowhere… but perhaps I better get rid of the cheese…wine…and so forth … now you go…  you go fly away… beat it… thsi bitch is going on a liquid diet…what type I will never tell… but I am sure I will be too drunk to fly anywhere…

Ciao… bella… Sarah the flying squirrel … on her way to meet the trainer to get her ass kicked…

work it bitch

 

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What’s Your Speed Limit…


Purr...My engine is all rev'd up!!!

Purr…My engine is all rev’d up!!!

So baby… what’s your speed limit???  Are you someone who drives slow and steady at 35 miles per hours… do you like the nice even pace of being middle of road, giving you ample time to avoid any road blocks ahead… foot steady on the gas pedal ready to brake at any moment???

Is your speed limit 35 but you like to drop down to 25 miles per hour… hang out in the really slow lane, looking for some excitement…ready to put your pedal down hard so you  can take off lightening fast… if someone in the 25 mile per hour lane catches up to you and sparks your attention???  Do you slow back down to let them catch up to you???  Gently tap your brake lights to get their attention… you all wanting to drive 35 but wanting to play in the 25 mile per hour lane…

If driving under the speed limit isn’t really your thing, are you someone who likes to chances and rev up your night and push full steam ahead and press your petal down hard and hit the fast lane, are you someone who loves to tempt fate and risk the twist and turns of the fast lane, lives to enjoy speeding up to the next stop sign, look around and see who is next to you… see if you can catch them as the race away… you and all your 35 mile per hour wanting to chase that 45 mile per hour person… you are ready for the chase and you to win the race…

Remember…whatever lane you choose to drive in… there are always gonna be some speed bumps ahead when you least expect it… ready to blow a tire… pop your airbags sooner than you expected…  whatever lane you like to drive or shall I say play in… remember slow it way down back baby… buckle up or as a wise ole gal I know says… you better click it or get a ticket… drive safe… stay in your own fucking lane…

Ciao Bella …  Sarah B… playing it safe at 35…

Where the hell is my driver???

Where the hell is my driver???

Happy Birthday To Me… Happy Birthday To Me???


Joy oh Joy… the joyous gifts that we as women are given on our birthdays…  You know what birthday I mean, correct, the one that start the next cycle of our lives… oh what a fun journey this next cycle will be… Humph!!!

I guess using the term, gift and cycle in the same paragraph is miss leading, on this birthday, my cycle decided to give me a little more than normal, it decided to hang around awhile, hmmm, I muttered to myself… well that is odd, haven’t had this issue before, in the back of my mind, I was in denial as to what this could potentially mean, perhaps, I am just having an odd month, you know, lots of stress, maybe not enough exercise or better yet, I decided it was from not enough sex… determining this to be the case, I made mental note to attack my other half upon the moment he entered the door when he came home…  that would fix this extra birthday gift and make it go away…

After repeatedly using this approach, one evening, while dozing, I began to notice that the room had become extremely…shall we say… a freaking blazing inferno….oh my freaking god… Please get this sea of blankets off of me know… I struggle to get my leg out of the blanket all while managing to piss off our cat at the foot of the bed, begrudgingly, he spat at me, showing me his annoyance and he moved over to my husbands side of the bed, what the hell…  did we leave the heat on ultra high before going to bed earlier, I struggled to remember, no, I know we didn’t, wow…one let out is not going to do the trick, I wondered what I was thinking when I wore a tee shirt and sleeping bottoms, they were now stuck to me, a bit damp I was… second leg out… what is that trickling between my breast is that water???  Did the cat piss on me because I woke him up… now struggling to fully waken myself, I see the fur ball snuggled close to my husband, he has not pissed on me, why am I wet???  Crap… I am freaking burning up, my hair is damp… I toss all the covers fully off of me, throwing them onto my husband, I am sure I have fever and to have one this high, I must be close to death… surely there is no other reason to be this warm…  do I have food poisoning???  Why am I sweating…   crap… I began to realize I am cold… damn, give me those covers back and I want them now… I grab them off my husband and take a few of his at the same time… I prepare myself for a bad case of the flue tomorrow morning, because I know to have this type of fever, means that I will be hugging the porcelain bowl and not want to be far from it, I am sure of this…  I doze and go back to a sound sleep, when I wake, I am fine, other than when I went to bed, I had straight hair and in my rage of sweat, I must have gotten my hair wet and it is now curly and fuzzy… nice, what a beauty I am as I look in the mirror…  funny though I don’t feel sick…

It was 3 nights later, I repeated this pattern and after a few more weeks of the on and off switch with my body’s thermostat, I began to self diagnose, because somewhere in the back of my mind…  a little voice was saying… you know, that was a very significant number you just hit on your birthday… right???

About 2 months later as I was at work, I was talking to a co worker, while sitting at my desk, I began to notice that I was starting to get hot, the hair on the back of my neck felt like a heavy wool coat!!!  I looked at my co worker as I began to feel like perspiration on my upper lip… I asked him the only thing I could think of… is it HOT in here…. Or it is just me???  He looks at me and says nope, it is actually a bit cool in here today… Damn… I was so afraid that is what he would say…  shall we say going forward, for the next 2 months, I learned to dress in layers in the dead of winter and a pony tail became my hair style of choice, I began to understand why so many women as they got older chose short  hair…   I began to wonder if maybe, just maybe I could possibly, you know.. Me entering.. that M stage of my life…  This would require research…

With Google as a girl’s best friend and my husband asleep, I crept to our home office and plugged in the M word in search bar… I read all about it, when it starts, what the symptoms were.. fuck.. I had almost all of them… denial has been my friend, years of taking care of my body, eating healthy, exercising… and it has betrayed me… damn body, in my mind that meant I could betray it back… I lay in bed, partially covered prepared for the heat wave, one leg out, our cat had learned it was safer to sleep next to my husband than potentially risk being kicked awake every few nights… I decided I would sleep on it…

In the morning, I went to the health food store and bought all the natural remedies I could find… after 3 weeks, I realized I had just simply donated hard earned money and still continued to dress in layers and had now resorted to 2 fans on the side of my bed… it became all too clear… it was time to see a DR… it had been a few years, kids were grown.. life was full, so hadn’t taken the time to visit the lay down and spread em doctor…

When I called to make an appointment, I found she had moved to a new state… they said they would set me up with a new DR, a male doctor… I said no thank you, I didn’t want to explain this man… how would he understand…  So, I did the next best thing.. I went to my girlfriend, who was a few years older than myself…  I met her for wine and we talked and I explained the past several months’ events and she was all to sympathetic, letting me know that her time has started a few years ago.. she had opted for the natural way though and could not refer me to a doctor… was she fucking nuts… who would opt for natural when after I realized my natural approach didn’t work, I had crept back to the office one night and with google as my friend and no longer in denial, I searched.. .menopause and how the fuck to make the symptoms go away…

She offered to ask several of her girlfriends for a referral for me… I thanked her and we finished our girls catch up time and wine and we headed our separate ways for the evening… As I got to the work the next morning, I turned on my computer and went to check my email and true to form, my friend had sent out an email that read…  My first and last name has started having hot flashes and is looking for a gynecologist can anyone refer her to one… now everyone knew… I didn’t know to say… so I closed my email… put my hair in a ponytail, removed my first layer… and went to work.. at lunch I opened back up my email and there we numerous emails from friends of our age group that had replied with referrals and shared stories of misery that made me laugh… seems I was not alone in this and that I had entered a new cycle of my life with this birthday that brought me to a new sisterhood, an odd way to bond, but a nice way to start a new chapter… next week, I shall meet my new DR that is referred by many of the women on the email chain and if this DR knows what is good for her and she wants to leave the office in one piece, I will leave her office with a prescription to make me go back to normal…  Happy Birthday to me…

Ciao Bella… a Pissed Off Sarah…

Marvin…what are you thinking…


You know sometimes we have to wonder about Mr. Marvin…  Marvin sent over some ideas about all his wisdom’s, because he thinks he is all that and more… so SarahsViews decided to do a piece about it Marvin, calling it… Marvin’s wisdom’s with a Sarah Bite…  Please enjoy and if you have some wisdom to throw this direction, send em on over baby…  Here we go…

Marvin Says… Nothing sucks more than the moment during an argument when you realize you are wrong…   Sarah Says… WTF… You clearly haven’t picked the right topic.. Never argue about something until you know you got your own back and ass covered!  And you are NEVER wrong… haven’t you learned anything from reading Sarah…

Marvin Says…There is a GREAT need for a “sarcasm” font…  Sarah Say…  You think????  They call that Caps ON… Caps Off… Ever really use your crackberry closely or your laptop, or are you one of those who still type on all Caps???

Marvin Says… How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said???  Sarah Says…  You are just way to freaking nice… What???  WTF did you just say…. is more likely what would come flying out Sarah’s mouth …loudly!!!

Marvin Says…  Map Quest really needs to start their directions at #5…  I am pretty sure I know how to get out of my own freaking neighborhood…  Sarah Says… Map Quest is assuming that you had a wild night out, you drank some shots, you table danced and showed all the gals and fellas your hairy ass chest… before falling into your car and following someone you may or may not know home ( fuck, Marvin.. I really hope it was at least a Gal, Oh Marvin )…  Waking up in a strange bed… not knowing where you are…  seeing some hair peak out of the sheets next to you… clearly you are to afraid to lift them up to see who / what is under them… quietly picking up your own clothes, sneaking out the front door… turning on your Crack Berry and looking at the address on the house and street sign and Map Questing your drunk ass home to “SHOWER” and have some coffee…  So, Please… don’t blame map quest for your wild nights!  It can’t read your dumb ass mind…

Marvin Says…Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died…  Sarah Says…  Marvin, Marvin, Oh Marvin… Please get a life!!!  Do you really have so much extra time on your hands that you are reading the obituaries or are you on the hunt for a new gal and checking out the old dudes that clicked off so you can scope out a “sugar mama”…. HMMM…actually, that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea… Maybe, Sarah will start reading them too…

Marvin Says… I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower and THEN turn on the water…  Sarah Says…  This explains the true meaning of an “Innie”… Whew!!!  No wonder sex in the shower doesn’t really work all that well…

Marvin Says…It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood….  Sarah Says… You think???  WTF… But then, all those “anti” signs carriers hanging around out front would have to then change their signs and slogans and then… you know… it would upset the whole balance of being told you can or can not do something and well… We all know that it just won’t work… So let’s not fuck with what is already a fun topic to fuck with… cuz… then if we keep fucking …well… then you know; there will be this whole trip to Unplanned… and on and on… so, Sarah Says… let’s leave this whole topic alone…  No one will win this one…

Marvin Says…Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what to do with it… Sarah Says… UH… Uh… you are kidding right???   Go ask a 15 year old, give them a computer and let them go at it… they will educate your old ass and you are showing your age Sweetie…

Marvin Says…I hate it when I “just” miss a call on the last ring…. but when I immediately call back, it rings.. 9 times and then goes to voicemail… What do you after I don’t answer???  Drop the phone and run away???  Sarah Says….NO, Dumb Ass!!!  They are teaching you a lesson… You won’t answer their call…So, they are on to the next one who will pick up, cuz they are hungry, horny, she wants some wine and a really good time… So, Marvin.. you just got screwed outta getting screwed by being way to  slow on the pick up… Honey, you gotta step it up to “get it up” baby…  Meow…

Ciao Bella… Sarah B…

Bag Type DD: OH What A HO HO HO…


Artist Gregory HergertBag Type DD:  OH what a HO HO HO… At least I didn’t say fun bags… But really, do I need to say anything else???  Oh what a Ho… What could I possibly mean by this statement???  HO HO HO… as in  Merry Fucking Christmas???  Or …. do I mean, Ho Ho Ho… as in, Hey Kitten, you better just get yourself on down to the nearest street corner and starting making a few bucks, cuz  sweet cheeks, the Rent is due and the babies need some food on the table!!!  After all we keep hearing we are in a recession or depression…  Right???  How many times have I heard recently that someone could make more money on their knees than siting on that wide spread of an ass behind a desk or pumping gas??? 

Think about it Honey, in every down a depressed economy, the sales of make up go Up…Up… and oh yeah… UP!!!  Do you think it is to make one feel better about themselves???  Seriously, you can’t be that naive…  Are you???  I highly doubt it…  Not only does make up sales go up, but also the sale of precious beloved alcohol goes up…  (I have helped contribute to that one sugar!!! )  I guess for those of you are sheep or want to live in your little four corners of your world and ignore what is going on, then you can assume that one is simply buying “make up” to make themselves feel better and the “alcohol” to take the stress of the day away as they sit and veg out the TV news and media… and pretend while they sit in their chair all made up with no money to go out and sitting by themselves with a glass of wine or a shot of vodka… on the rocks… that everything in the world is perfect and wonderful… NOT!!!

I mean really, do they LOVE their jobs right???  Do they think their spouses don’t cheat and their kids don’t whine all that much…  Really???  Fuck no, that is bullshit baby, that is a life of a dreamer and of someone who is living in a delusional world, a life of unreality or as we used to say… The life of Riley!!!   They are unrealistic to what is really going on…  However, put all that aside and accept the fact that we “must” be realistic to what is really going on in the world and accept the fact that the average person is out there daily, fighting for their share of corner time over the well seasoned working girl, they are busting down the front door of their new pimp daddy so they can get a sign on bonus to pay the rent…  OK.. well, maybe they aren’t actually on a corner pushing the true “first entrepreneur” off, but… they are doing things that they would have never considered themselves capable of doing  a year ago… because in these times, honey… the motto is “by hook or crook”…

In our time right now, they will do things that they once consider to be beneath them… or thought they would never have to do again… because they thought they had finally achieved what they deemed a stable life… Well, Sweet Cheeks… It is time to wake up and work your lame ass, the good ole days are gone and they won’t be returning anytime soon, so we all gotta step it up, step out and put on a bit of extra lip stick or in my case, chap stick… Take a BIG swig from that bottle and get on our own corner and work it baby, work it good and if you need to… then get on your knees and do what it takes to make it work… Don’t be shy!!!  Shyness will get you no where in life and it won’t pay your bills baby…

After all….  Bag Type DD:  OH What A HO HO HO  can mean many different things… Only you can let your imagination take it the right or wrong direction…  My theory is do what or whoever it takes baby to make it and answer only to yourself…

Ciao, Sarah B – Bag Type DD…

 Artist Gregory Hergert