Happy Birthday To Me… Happy Birthday To Me???


Joy oh Joy… the joyous gifts that we as women are given on our birthdays…  You know what birthday I mean, correct, the one that start the next cycle of our lives… oh what a fun journey this next cycle will be… Humph!!!

I guess using the term, gift and cycle in the same paragraph is miss leading, on this birthday, my cycle decided to give me a little more than normal, it decided to hang around awhile, hmmm, I muttered to myself… well that is odd, haven’t had this issue before, in the back of my mind, I was in denial as to what this could potentially mean, perhaps, I am just having an odd month, you know, lots of stress, maybe not enough exercise or better yet, I decided it was from not enough sex… determining this to be the case, I made mental note to attack my other half upon the moment he entered the door when he came home…  that would fix this extra birthday gift and make it go away…

After repeatedly using this approach, one evening, while dozing, I began to notice that the room had become extremely…shall we say… a freaking blazing inferno….oh my freaking god… Please get this sea of blankets off of me know… I struggle to get my leg out of the blanket all while managing to piss off our cat at the foot of the bed, begrudgingly, he spat at me, showing me his annoyance and he moved over to my husbands side of the bed, what the hell…  did we leave the heat on ultra high before going to bed earlier, I struggled to remember, no, I know we didn’t, wow…one let out is not going to do the trick, I wondered what I was thinking when I wore a tee shirt and sleeping bottoms, they were now stuck to me, a bit damp I was… second leg out… what is that trickling between my breast is that water???  Did the cat piss on me because I woke him up… now struggling to fully waken myself, I see the fur ball snuggled close to my husband, he has not pissed on me, why am I wet???  Crap… I am freaking burning up, my hair is damp… I toss all the covers fully off of me, throwing them onto my husband, I am sure I have fever and to have one this high, I must be close to death… surely there is no other reason to be this warm…  do I have food poisoning???  Why am I sweating…   crap… I began to realize I am cold… damn, give me those covers back and I want them now… I grab them off my husband and take a few of his at the same time… I prepare myself for a bad case of the flue tomorrow morning, because I know to have this type of fever, means that I will be hugging the porcelain bowl and not want to be far from it, I am sure of this…  I doze and go back to a sound sleep, when I wake, I am fine, other than when I went to bed, I had straight hair and in my rage of sweat, I must have gotten my hair wet and it is now curly and fuzzy… nice, what a beauty I am as I look in the mirror…  funny though I don’t feel sick…

It was 3 nights later, I repeated this pattern and after a few more weeks of the on and off switch with my body’s thermostat, I began to self diagnose, because somewhere in the back of my mind…  a little voice was saying… you know, that was a very significant number you just hit on your birthday… right???

About 2 months later as I was at work, I was talking to a co worker, while sitting at my desk, I began to notice that I was starting to get hot, the hair on the back of my neck felt like a heavy wool coat!!!  I looked at my co worker as I began to feel like perspiration on my upper lip… I asked him the only thing I could think of… is it HOT in here…. Or it is just me???  He looks at me and says nope, it is actually a bit cool in here today… Damn… I was so afraid that is what he would say…  shall we say going forward, for the next 2 months, I learned to dress in layers in the dead of winter and a pony tail became my hair style of choice, I began to understand why so many women as they got older chose short  hair…   I began to wonder if maybe, just maybe I could possibly, you know.. Me entering.. that M stage of my life…  This would require research…

With Google as a girl’s best friend and my husband asleep, I crept to our home office and plugged in the M word in search bar… I read all about it, when it starts, what the symptoms were.. fuck.. I had almost all of them… denial has been my friend, years of taking care of my body, eating healthy, exercising… and it has betrayed me… damn body, in my mind that meant I could betray it back… I lay in bed, partially covered prepared for the heat wave, one leg out, our cat had learned it was safer to sleep next to my husband than potentially risk being kicked awake every few nights… I decided I would sleep on it…

In the morning, I went to the health food store and bought all the natural remedies I could find… after 3 weeks, I realized I had just simply donated hard earned money and still continued to dress in layers and had now resorted to 2 fans on the side of my bed… it became all too clear… it was time to see a DR… it had been a few years, kids were grown.. life was full, so hadn’t taken the time to visit the lay down and spread em doctor…

When I called to make an appointment, I found she had moved to a new state… they said they would set me up with a new DR, a male doctor… I said no thank you, I didn’t want to explain this man… how would he understand…  So, I did the next best thing.. I went to my girlfriend, who was a few years older than myself…  I met her for wine and we talked and I explained the past several months’ events and she was all to sympathetic, letting me know that her time has started a few years ago.. she had opted for the natural way though and could not refer me to a doctor… was she fucking nuts… who would opt for natural when after I realized my natural approach didn’t work, I had crept back to the office one night and with google as my friend and no longer in denial, I searched.. .menopause and how the fuck to make the symptoms go away…

She offered to ask several of her girlfriends for a referral for me… I thanked her and we finished our girls catch up time and wine and we headed our separate ways for the evening… As I got to the work the next morning, I turned on my computer and went to check my email and true to form, my friend had sent out an email that read…  My first and last name has started having hot flashes and is looking for a gynecologist can anyone refer her to one… now everyone knew… I didn’t know to say… so I closed my email… put my hair in a ponytail, removed my first layer… and went to work.. at lunch I opened back up my email and there we numerous emails from friends of our age group that had replied with referrals and shared stories of misery that made me laugh… seems I was not alone in this and that I had entered a new cycle of my life with this birthday that brought me to a new sisterhood, an odd way to bond, but a nice way to start a new chapter… next week, I shall meet my new DR that is referred by many of the women on the email chain and if this DR knows what is good for her and she wants to leave the office in one piece, I will leave her office with a prescription to make me go back to normal…  Happy Birthday to me…

Ciao Bella… a Pissed Off Sarah…

You Just Don’t Know Who You Shop With???


Have you ever just looked around at wondered what the person standing in line at the grocery store was really like?  Not like… in “hey baby” wonder what he would be like to take for a spin???  But more so, in I really wonder what this person is all about…  If you look at the items in his grocery cart… you begin to form a mental image of who this person is once they walk outside of the store… You are behind him in line for quite some time now, behind you is an equally interesting person that you have already surmised up whom and what she is all about in 12 seconds… didn’t take long, face sunken in… teeth gone, hair dyed and unkempt… With her are 3 screaming brats…  Oh please, don’t act offended… you know for a fact you have stood in line with this same person and wondered first, who the hell would fuck her and why the hell didn’t someone shut down her baby making factory after she popped out the first one…  Better yet, the first one isn’t even here with her as we all know the first one is at least 17 and one of these screaming brats in store with this person is actually her grand child… after all the cycle tends to perpetuate… the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree as we are told and you know, when she finally gets done saying… NO… we got.. No… you already got and no…no….no… she will give in and each child will get what they want, while she whips out that special government subsidised card to pay for it…  oh, I meant to say, that we just bought… except for that 6 pack of cheap beer ( honey – I am standing next to these kids and I am ready to crack open one of her damn beers and I don’t drink that shit ) and let’s not forget her smokes… those are paid for with bottle return coupons… The ones where she had stood out side and turned in bottles for… those pay for the special things that we don’t…

Damn, let’s back to the hottie in front of you, you have managed to keep your back turned as much as you can from the Crystal Queen behind you…  You are really starting to focus in on this cutie pie and the items  he is placing on the checkout counter in front of you.  He is cute enough, maybe 36?  34?  you don’t know, but that does make him legal..right?  Oh wait….. he has a ring on.. not on his finger.. but attached to his NOSE as well as to his penis… it is his cell phone… she is calling non stop… Yes, uh, yes dear.. I got the buns, yes, the wheat ones… ( well you think at least he eats somewhat healthy.. . Right??  )  No, they didn’t have any… yes, I got… no… OMFG…. what a pain in the ass… Shit, what he should have said is… look bitch, if you don’t think I am capable of getting the right things at the damn grocery store, perhaps you should have gotten off your bon bon mother fucking ass and came here yourself… but he doesn’t say that.. Not out-loud at least… Now you are curious…  Just what else is in his cart?  Casually you look at the items he is unloading  as you are trying to tune out Crystal who is making gumming noises over your shoulder… OMG… please go buy some teeth!!!  So, in his cart is…  diapers… toddler size…  so he has a kid, OK, who doesn’t…  buns – wheat mind you as previously verified by his better (LOL) half.. .milk, 2%.. OK, he is or she is making an effort to be somewhat healthy… OMFG..  the fucking ball and chain is calling again.. yes, no… well…  but…I thought you said.. he looks at you, then to the cashier…  The cashier is so used to this, to him it is just another inconsiderate loser that is rude enough to use his phone while at the check out counter…  OK.. after a long pause he says … I will see if they have it… But, but… I am already at the counter paying!!!  Click… it is obvious the click didn’t originate from him, but from the dick he lives with… I would say pussy, but it is clear, he is the pussy in this relationship and the tampons in the cart really should be for him and she is the penis that runs the house and wears the or should we say… his pants…

Too bad… even Crystal behind me isn’t so annoying compared to this person in front of me…  She at least is out doing what she needs to do to make it and not waiting on someone else to do it for her… proud enough to turn in bottles to feed herself and her family and proud enough to admit she needed help from us to make it… gotta admit, may not be our way, but hell, she ain’t picking up the phone pussy whipping someone to bring her bon bons… no she drug her ass out in public and faced the judgement of you and others with her head up high, while he walks with his penis tucked between his legs to keep the peace…

Hopefully when he got home, after 3 more calls and 2 more trips back thru the store isles… she was all happy happy joy joy and he got a moments peace, after he brought in the groceries, she checked each item thoroughly to make sure they are perfect, he puts them away, while she text her friends… He cooks the dinner… does the dishes, puts the screaming 2 year old to bed… because she couldn’t do it… after all she is 8 months pregnant with the next one… which means his “chain” will be there for at least 20 more years… So he should just accept that he is fucked and that he has no life or man hood left, though in his mind he is wondering why he couldn’t have hooked up with one that just woud have “swallowed”!!!

Ciao… Sarah B

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when…


You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when your friends tell you that you whine like a little bitch starting her period… yet you are a 37-year-old man… that just simply hasn’t figured out that the lotion isn’t really working for the motion and that in order to get some… you gotta step out to go get it out… Pansy Ass…  get off the net and go out and meet a real woman or at least invest in a … oh never mind!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when you go to the gym and get on the treadmill and put it on 2.8 speed…  Hold on to the handles like you are gonna fall off… sweat like you are in the sauna and turn on the Home and Garden channel…while the Chickie Poo next to you has it on…. 6.0… is running on mile 9 and watching ESPN and dripping sweat all down her body… and all you notice is the fact that the colors on the wall of the house on TV are sooo wrong… Pansy Ass…  Hello… can you not see the sweat dripping between her cleavage???  Idiot!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when the elevator sign at work is out-of-order and you have to carry your lame ass up two flights of stairs, while trying not to spill your Starbucks Venti Mocha with extra whip cream and low fat muffin… while the person who works three floors up jaunts up the stairs past you and you are starting to pit out… Pansy Ass… get your ass to the gym!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when you would rather sit in the house all weekend long watching reruns of Will & Grace on TV instead of going outside and getting some sun on those ugly ass white legs and actually working up a sweat doing something.. because we know you aren’t gonna be doing “someone”…  Pansy Ass… get off your ass and do something…  Please.. cover those legs up!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when your wife has to go to the store to buy you some hemorrhoid medicine cuz you just can’t take the pain.. OMFG!!!!!  Are you kidding me… she squirted out a freaking thing the size of a watermelon in the morning, cleaned house that afternoon and still had to run to the store to fix your ass…. Pansy Ass… in so many ways.. I can’t even begin describe!!! 

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when your older friends can kick your ass all over the place on the court…  they have to allow you get a basket… and have to avoid the sweat piles you are leaving so they don’t slip and fall… everywhere…  Can you say… Outta shape Pansy Ass???  Hello…they call it a “gym”… go find one!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when you think you can still go all night long and you don’t realize your partner is asleep until you wake up with her on top of you drooling across your chest and snoring… cuz your ass couldn’t be on top to do the job… OMG..that is so wrong… You are the ultimate Pansy Ass!!! 

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when you actually think your mullet looks good with your new perm and highlights… and your gold chain, gold nugget ring and you glue a fake diamond on your front tooth…so you think you are a stud…  No you Pansy Ass…that is called having NO friends to teach you any better or NO mirror in your house… Go get some new friends, a mirror and invest $10 at Super Cuts!!! 

OK… Sarah B… typically doesn’t single out a gender.. but WTF… it fit and was fun…  I will get the women next time around, but they are sooo whiny I just couldn’t deal with them today… if you feel you have been male bashed…then I accomplished my goal for the day …. so shut up “Pansy Ass”!!!

Ciao Bella…  Sarah B… feeling a wee bit bitchy today…

Sarah is NO Pansy Ass!

The Bitch Crew