What’s Your Speed Limit…


Purr...My engine is all rev'd up!!!

Purr…My engine is all rev’d up!!!

So baby… what’s your speed limit???  Are you someone who drives slow and steady at 35 miles per hours… do you like the nice even pace of being middle of road, giving you ample time to avoid any road blocks ahead… foot steady on the gas pedal ready to brake at any moment???

Is your speed limit 35 but you like to drop down to 25 miles per hour… hang out in the really slow lane, looking for some excitement…ready to put your pedal down hard so you  can take off lightening fast… if someone in the 25 mile per hour lane catches up to you and sparks your attention???  Do you slow back down to let them catch up to you???  Gently tap your brake lights to get their attention… you all wanting to drive 35 but wanting to play in the 25 mile per hour lane…

If driving under the speed limit isn’t really your thing, are you someone who likes to chances and rev up your night and push full steam ahead and press your petal down hard and hit the fast lane, are you someone who loves to tempt fate and risk the twist and turns of the fast lane, lives to enjoy speeding up to the next stop sign, look around and see who is next to you… see if you can catch them as the race away… you and all your 35 mile per hour wanting to chase that 45 mile per hour person… you are ready for the chase and you to win the race…

Remember…whatever lane you choose to drive in… there are always gonna be some speed bumps ahead when you least expect it… ready to blow a tire… pop your airbags sooner than you expected…  whatever lane you like to drive or shall I say play in… remember slow it way down back baby… buckle up or as a wise ole gal I know says… you better click it or get a ticket… drive safe… stay in your own fucking lane…

Ciao Bella …  Sarah B… playing it safe at 35…

Where the hell is my driver???

Where the hell is my driver???

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Happy Birthday To Me… Happy Birthday To Me???


Joy oh Joy… the joyous gifts that we as women are given on our birthdays…  You know what birthday I mean, correct, the one that start the next cycle of our lives… oh what a fun journey this next cycle will be… Humph!!!

I guess using the term, gift and cycle in the same paragraph is miss leading, on this birthday, my cycle decided to give me a little more than normal, it decided to hang around awhile, hmmm, I muttered to myself… well that is odd, haven’t had this issue before, in the back of my mind, I was in denial as to what this could potentially mean, perhaps, I am just having an odd month, you know, lots of stress, maybe not enough exercise or better yet, I decided it was from not enough sex… determining this to be the case, I made mental note to attack my other half upon the moment he entered the door when he came home…  that would fix this extra birthday gift and make it go away…

After repeatedly using this approach, one evening, while dozing, I began to notice that the room had become extremely…shall we say… a freaking blazing inferno….oh my freaking god… Please get this sea of blankets off of me know… I struggle to get my leg out of the blanket all while managing to piss off our cat at the foot of the bed, begrudgingly, he spat at me, showing me his annoyance and he moved over to my husbands side of the bed, what the hell…  did we leave the heat on ultra high before going to bed earlier, I struggled to remember, no, I know we didn’t, wow…one let out is not going to do the trick, I wondered what I was thinking when I wore a tee shirt and sleeping bottoms, they were now stuck to me, a bit damp I was… second leg out… what is that trickling between my breast is that water???  Did the cat piss on me because I woke him up… now struggling to fully waken myself, I see the fur ball snuggled close to my husband, he has not pissed on me, why am I wet???  Crap… I am freaking burning up, my hair is damp… I toss all the covers fully off of me, throwing them onto my husband, I am sure I have fever and to have one this high, I must be close to death… surely there is no other reason to be this warm…  do I have food poisoning???  Why am I sweating…   crap… I began to realize I am cold… damn, give me those covers back and I want them now… I grab them off my husband and take a few of his at the same time… I prepare myself for a bad case of the flue tomorrow morning, because I know to have this type of fever, means that I will be hugging the porcelain bowl and not want to be far from it, I am sure of this…  I doze and go back to a sound sleep, when I wake, I am fine, other than when I went to bed, I had straight hair and in my rage of sweat, I must have gotten my hair wet and it is now curly and fuzzy… nice, what a beauty I am as I look in the mirror…  funny though I don’t feel sick…

It was 3 nights later, I repeated this pattern and after a few more weeks of the on and off switch with my body’s thermostat, I began to self diagnose, because somewhere in the back of my mind…  a little voice was saying… you know, that was a very significant number you just hit on your birthday… right???

About 2 months later as I was at work, I was talking to a co worker, while sitting at my desk, I began to notice that I was starting to get hot, the hair on the back of my neck felt like a heavy wool coat!!!  I looked at my co worker as I began to feel like perspiration on my upper lip… I asked him the only thing I could think of… is it HOT in here…. Or it is just me???  He looks at me and says nope, it is actually a bit cool in here today… Damn… I was so afraid that is what he would say…  shall we say going forward, for the next 2 months, I learned to dress in layers in the dead of winter and a pony tail became my hair style of choice, I began to understand why so many women as they got older chose short  hair…   I began to wonder if maybe, just maybe I could possibly, you know.. Me entering.. that M stage of my life…  This would require research…

With Google as a girl’s best friend and my husband asleep, I crept to our home office and plugged in the M word in search bar… I read all about it, when it starts, what the symptoms were.. fuck.. I had almost all of them… denial has been my friend, years of taking care of my body, eating healthy, exercising… and it has betrayed me… damn body, in my mind that meant I could betray it back… I lay in bed, partially covered prepared for the heat wave, one leg out, our cat had learned it was safer to sleep next to my husband than potentially risk being kicked awake every few nights… I decided I would sleep on it…

In the morning, I went to the health food store and bought all the natural remedies I could find… after 3 weeks, I realized I had just simply donated hard earned money and still continued to dress in layers and had now resorted to 2 fans on the side of my bed… it became all too clear… it was time to see a DR… it had been a few years, kids were grown.. life was full, so hadn’t taken the time to visit the lay down and spread em doctor…

When I called to make an appointment, I found she had moved to a new state… they said they would set me up with a new DR, a male doctor… I said no thank you, I didn’t want to explain this man… how would he understand…  So, I did the next best thing.. I went to my girlfriend, who was a few years older than myself…  I met her for wine and we talked and I explained the past several months’ events and she was all to sympathetic, letting me know that her time has started a few years ago.. she had opted for the natural way though and could not refer me to a doctor… was she fucking nuts… who would opt for natural when after I realized my natural approach didn’t work, I had crept back to the office one night and with google as my friend and no longer in denial, I searched.. .menopause and how the fuck to make the symptoms go away…

She offered to ask several of her girlfriends for a referral for me… I thanked her and we finished our girls catch up time and wine and we headed our separate ways for the evening… As I got to the work the next morning, I turned on my computer and went to check my email and true to form, my friend had sent out an email that read…  My first and last name has started having hot flashes and is looking for a gynecologist can anyone refer her to one… now everyone knew… I didn’t know to say… so I closed my email… put my hair in a ponytail, removed my first layer… and went to work.. at lunch I opened back up my email and there we numerous emails from friends of our age group that had replied with referrals and shared stories of misery that made me laugh… seems I was not alone in this and that I had entered a new cycle of my life with this birthday that brought me to a new sisterhood, an odd way to bond, but a nice way to start a new chapter… next week, I shall meet my new DR that is referred by many of the women on the email chain and if this DR knows what is good for her and she wants to leave the office in one piece, I will leave her office with a prescription to make me go back to normal…  Happy Birthday to me…

Ciao Bella… a Pissed Off Sarah…

Interesting Quotes And Their True Meanings…


Aspire to be Barbie – the bitch has everything…  Sarah says… boy does that bitch really does have everything, come on sister.. she’s got a play house, a Barbie mobile and best of all  a Ken dude that is made of plastic and hard, that she controls… and wow… I guess she does have everything, except batteries to keep Ken going…

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always…  Sarah says… Oh Baby cakes… Really, you didn’t know her first name was Ms.. not Miss Always… cuz now your ass is married and that makes your first name… Yes Dear…

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell…  Sarah say… Uh, really?  Do you think… what was your first clue???  Your day at the office???

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company…  Sarah says… well where do you wanna be… in the sunshine with you know… those types… or in the heat with your friends, sipping cocktails by the pool…watching the pool boy… who you know… screwed up too and ended up here servicing you… tough choice… but I a prone to the heat…

Why should we take advice on sex from the Pope?  If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!  Sarah says…  well she doesn’t want to step on toes… but come on… does it get any clearer that statement… and who is the Pope and exactly what does he does for a living… not quite sure on that and why has he never had sex???

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me…  Sarah says… LOL.. the true definition of religion… better to ask for forgiveness than permission…

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.  Sarah says… And your point??

He is a self-made man and worships his creator…  Sarah says.. Hey dude.. why does it need to be all about man and his creator… you self righteous bastard… don’t you know we made you… or I guess the correct term is own you…

When life gets you down – just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.  Sarah says… put em on sister, you lame whiny ass bitches are giving the rest of us a bad name, so shut, buck up and do the job like the rest of us…

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.   Did Sarah here the words I do in this statement???

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants… Sarah says, Italian food is the best she has ever had… yum yum…

The National Rifle Association says, ‘Guns don’t kill people. People do’. But I think the gun helps.  Sarah says… no comment because common sense and not politics tells you this is a true statement and leave it at that…  because one thing Sarah has learned… is common sense really doesn’t matter…

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.   Sarah says… WTF… have you been listening to my phone calls lately???

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.  Sarah says… What???

Today is the last day of some of your life.   Sarah says… Wow… Really, that is the best you can come up with… dumb ass…

Ciao Bella… bite me… Sarah…

Is The Peri Fairy Heading Your Way???


Just entering the latter part of my 40’s, I have begun to enter that newest phase of being a female.  My doctor calls this new phase “peri-menopausal”…  I don’t really know what “peri” means as a medical term, but in real life terms “peri” means… aggravating, bothersome, annoying, troublesome, vexing…I.E.: ”Fucking-pain-in-the-god–damn- ass”-pre-menopausal.

So let’s talk real… I’ve been having a period since I was 11.  Yes…early bloomer in so many wrong ways….  WTF ever…  So, for over 30 years, it’s been an inconvenient, yet predictable part of my life.  3-1/2 weeks go by, I get cramps for a day, bleed for 4 or 5 , and it’s a done deal for another 3-1/2 weeks.  But a couple years ago, things started changing a bit.  First, I started to decrease to just 3 or 4.  It continued to dwindle over the next few months until I was down to just over 2 days.  Woo-Hoo!!!  Who wouldn’t like that???  Eventually I was left with a day of cramps but no period to follow.  Not my favorite, but the no muss-no fuss aspect has its appeal.  Finally one day I was at the grocery store, passing by the tampon display, and realized I hadn’t restocked my supply in what seemed like a very long time…  Standing at the display, I counted backwards to the last time I’d needed them… Holy shit…it was nearly 6 months!!!

Free at last – Free at last!  Fuck you Playtex & your God-damn labia pinching super-glide applicator!!!  They never once were a super glide… Fuck you Kotex & your God-damn pube pulling self-sticking panty shields!!!  And Fuck you OB & your God-damn strings that wick bodily fluids into the wearer’s underwear without absorbing a fucking drop!  I was a happy woman… I giggled and danced a little jig right there in the aisle…  causing the young man standing close by to move quickly away from me…  OMG…within a week, I had a freaking period…  NOT one of those 1 or 2 day MF’s either.  Apparently my uterus had not stopped doing its thing, just simply saving for a rainy day….  I had 3 days of cramps and 6 months worth of period over about a 9 day time span…   Mother Nature can be such a raving bitch…  Moving forward, I vowed a couple of things… I will only pass the feminine hygiene display if I need feminine hygiene products,  I will approach those product displays with only the deepest reverence and utmost respect…  Also, I will never again curse feminine hygiene product makers in public or private as I had learned my lesson…

Now for the past 6 months I’ve honored my vows, avoided the tampon aisle, been respectful etc. and my menstrual life has once again returned to uneventful.  The dwindling process resume and I went back to having periods that are sporadic, short-lived and sparse…   Life is good…but then I forgot… Shit!!!  While grocery shopping…  I must first point out and ask what genius’s idea it was to arrange the feminine hygiene products on the same aisle as coffee or deeply desired espresso… which for me, is a requirement of life as important to air and wine…  I decided it was silly of me to go all the way around the hygiene product aisle to get to the other end to get coffee, so I cut through… Dumb Ass…  Seeing the tampon & maxipad boxes all lined up, I again realized it had been some length of time since I’d needed to re-supply…  Outwardly I remained respectful & polite, inwardly, I must admit I had just the teensiest of  Ha Ha… moment…  That was all it took… you idiot!!!

The next day, Monday, I was sitting at my desk talking on the phone when, with absolutely no warning, I felt something go bluuurrp…you know…down there.  I knew immediately this was not good…  I finished the phone call and headed to the rest-room squeezing my you know what shut…  Oh My God!!!  It was bad…it was really really bad…  It looked like someone had bled a sacrificial goat into my underwear…  Was I wearing light-colored pants???  Did I even have to ask???  They were khakis of course…   Had it bled through my underwear into my pants???  Hello…of course!!!  Badly I wondered… Not too bad from the volume/area/stain size standpoint, however from a placement/location standpoint, it was fucking stellar…  Somehow, because of the way I was sitting, because of the way my pants fit, or because I fucking pissed off the Period Goddess again, I had managed to channel the flow forward so it made a big red blotch right at the base of my pant fly… It was only 10:00 am…

I cleaned up as best I could, & went looking in the bathroom cupboard for the supplies to catch any further leakage.  In the past, I always kept a small stash of tampons at work.  However it hasn’t been all that necessary for quite some time now, and I didn’t have anything…  Fortunately, one of my lovely 20-something year-old co-workers had a box of panty shields in the cupboard.  It was an emergency and I figured I could replace them later, so I opened her box, and learned a new thing…  Did you know they make panty shields for THONGS???  They’re normal width in the front, and taper to string width in the back…with wings…  Who knew and most importantly….WHY???  How fucking useless is that???  Being desperate, I made do…  I laid the first one in, front to back & then the second one, back to front so that together, they almost made one whole.  I made it through the rest of the morning by staying at my desk, or carrying papers, and file-folders in front of me.

At lunch, I zipped home where I scrubbed the spot from the crotch of my pants, and threw them in the dryer to dry.  Unfortunately…“the thong panty liners” didn’t stick very well to my “non-thong panties”…   Instead, they are curled, twisted and have attached themselves directly to my hairy lips… both right and left!!! Removing the liners gave me a free partial Brazilian job, as they ripped out thong shaped swaths of pubic hairs…  I took a quick shower and checked on my pants…  The stain had been transformed.  It was now a large ring around the whole crotch of my pants where they had been wetted when I scrubbed them.  I decided perhaps it was time for plan B…change pants, and just freaking deal if anybody asks why if they are stupid enough to not see the glaring eyes and flaring nostrils…

Night sweats, Insomnia, Hot Flashes, Moodiness, Irritability, Memory Lapses,  Brain-farts….all predicted, and all now accounted for. However, my friends, you left some stuff out.  Nobody bothered to tell me that walking down the tampon aisle at the grocery store will make your periods start. Nor did anyone say that after 30 plus years of practice in how to deal with having a period, that I’d suddenly become incompetent…  It makes me wonder what else was left out of the stories that I am yet to experience… it this some secret society you can only enter into thru trial by fire…well fuck you…  As for me, I am back to making sure I stay away from the feminine hygiene aisle, being respectful toward the patroness saints of the menses…  I’m hoping that will keep me relatively free of unpleasant surprises for the next bit-o-while.  I am passing this along for you 20 & 30 something’s so you have something to look forward too…

Ciao Bella… A Peri Sarah B…

How Old Are You…Really???


They say age is simply just a number…well I think those dirty bastards are lying and it is really the best way to mind fuck yourself into doing or not doing something stupid in your life…

Let’s talk about your 20’s…  You think you are on top of the world… your ass is as perky as your tits and your dick, while as hard a rock… is quick to react and or should I say… over react… and really seems to think that being  “six-shooter” is something to be proud of…  NOT!!! The problem is that in your 20’s you think you are invincible, hot and can do anything you fucking want to…  Well… you are hot!!!  But… you are not invincible and doing anything you fucking want to do will bite you in the ass a few decades later…  While you are “perky”… you are also as dumb as a sack of rocks and believe anything that flies out the mouth of  “Mr. quick fire”…  neither of you have a fucking clue and the sad part is you aren’t going to know that for quite some time to come… and all your actions, desires and impulses are only going to haunt you for decades… My advice is to keep your box on lock down… your six-shooter… well covered to protect against “future” unplanned college educations you will both now have to figure out how to finance…  I can say all of this… cuz I was 20 something once…

Ahh… the undesired number 30…is next… OMG!!! You are now “30”…where did your youth go???  Inside as I type this… I am laughing my ass off because you are an idiot!!!  Your youth is still there and your 30’s…well, lets say these will be some of the worst years of your life… They will suck!!!  Suck like a “Hoover” baby… speaking of Babies… let’s talk about them… Did you cover that thing or lock it down???  Nope???  Great… Now you are saddled to someone who used to have perky tits and a tight ass… and used to have a full head of hair on his head that seems to be moving down his back… while you two shuffle your life around now, not 1 but 2 children because after all… you were in your 20’s and full of  “Gum Drops and Rainbows”  and look where the pot of gold has gotten you now…  You “just” had to have each other… now you “hate” each other… neither of you can get a decent job cuz… you didn’t finish your degree cuz you became baby makers… or as I call them… breeders…  In an attempt to save your marriage you decide to pop out  a 3rd child…  What a bright move that is…  Now you have attached yourself to this person you really want to escape for an additional 18 plus years, you idiots…  Good luck…  it only gets worse… It isn’t until you finally part company… screw anything that walks for a months  ( years for those who are really slow to figure it out ) while trying to regain the youth of your 20’s back… your perky breast are now sitting a bit lower and your ass resembles last weeks cottage cheese…  However… you have spent so much time being a partner and parent… that at least you still have your wardrobe from your 20’s and your hair style… or at least she does… He is starting to expose a bit more forehead… and or has shaved his head… his ass has now sunk in and he his starting to get man boobs that are perkier than hers… (ooh!!)   Now as you near the end of your 30’s… you are about to enter a new phase of mind fuck…  I know this cuz…I was 30 something once…

Your 40’s…  Let’s talk about this interesting phase of your life…  You now want to be 20 again ( You Idiot!!!)… They do say today that your 40’s are the new 20’s… so you now have justification to act 20…right???  Does that also mean the true 20 year olds are really not there to compete with you as you try to buy their clothes and cars???  Or keep up with them at the gym, the language, the hair styles, or and or and or… I will say this…  Your 40’s are the best decade of your life as of yet…  You have the confidence to finally be who you really are… should have been or wanted to be and you don’t give a rats ass about what anyone else thinks.  You are the new 20’s and if you were smart…  you either divorced well or learned how to make a good living so you can remove those signs of aging…  You have figured out that you don’t need anyone or anything for during your 40’s as you are quite capable of entertaining yourself or finding anyone of any age to entertain youand as for you men… you now can buy that special car, get a great fake tan, go to the gym and nail that 20 something-year-old for the night.. but good luck… because remember the sand trap you got yourself into at 20 and how it happened???  You were screwing a 20-year-old then and you just finished paying your kids college education… hopefully you snipped it and won’t repeat THAT mistake again… what we come to realize in both men and women at this age is that sex with younger folks or just anyone… isn’t anything compared to someone of the same confidence and mental caliber that comes with someone mentally in age and drive to them… that shit goes a lot further in the bedroom and in a life partner than  those perky tits and a 6 shooter… that is what you learn in your 40’s…  And again… I am 40 something…so I can say this… and not give a shit if you care about what I write about or not…

I don’t know about the 50’s yet… but I am sure they are marketing those blue pills for just that reason and I will be the first to stand in line for them… for 60’s and beyond… we will just have to wait and see…

Ciao Bell… 40 Something Sarah B…

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when…


You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when your friends tell you that you whine like a little bitch starting her period… yet you are a 37-year-old man… that just simply hasn’t figured out that the lotion isn’t really working for the motion and that in order to get some… you gotta step out to go get it out… Pansy Ass…  get off the net and go out and meet a real woman or at least invest in a … oh never mind!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when you go to the gym and get on the treadmill and put it on 2.8 speed…  Hold on to the handles like you are gonna fall off… sweat like you are in the sauna and turn on the Home and Garden channel…while the Chickie Poo next to you has it on…. 6.0… is running on mile 9 and watching ESPN and dripping sweat all down her body… and all you notice is the fact that the colors on the wall of the house on TV are sooo wrong… Pansy Ass…  Hello… can you not see the sweat dripping between her cleavage???  Idiot!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when the elevator sign at work is out-of-order and you have to carry your lame ass up two flights of stairs, while trying not to spill your Starbucks Venti Mocha with extra whip cream and low fat muffin… while the person who works three floors up jaunts up the stairs past you and you are starting to pit out… Pansy Ass… get your ass to the gym!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when you would rather sit in the house all weekend long watching reruns of Will & Grace on TV instead of going outside and getting some sun on those ugly ass white legs and actually working up a sweat doing something.. because we know you aren’t gonna be doing “someone”…  Pansy Ass… get off your ass and do something…  Please.. cover those legs up!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when your wife has to go to the store to buy you some hemorrhoid medicine cuz you just can’t take the pain.. OMFG!!!!!  Are you kidding me… she squirted out a freaking thing the size of a watermelon in the morning, cleaned house that afternoon and still had to run to the store to fix your ass…. Pansy Ass… in so many ways.. I can’t even begin describe!!! 

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when your older friends can kick your ass all over the place on the court…  they have to allow you get a basket… and have to avoid the sweat piles you are leaving so they don’t slip and fall… everywhere…  Can you say… Outta shape Pansy Ass???  Hello…they call it a “gym”… go find one!!!

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when you think you can still go all night long and you don’t realize your partner is asleep until you wake up with her on top of you drooling across your chest and snoring… cuz your ass couldn’t be on top to do the job… OMG..that is so wrong… You are the ultimate Pansy Ass!!! 

You know you are a “Pansy Ass” when you actually think your mullet looks good with your new perm and highlights… and your gold chain, gold nugget ring and you glue a fake diamond on your front tooth…so you think you are a stud…  No you Pansy Ass…that is called having NO friends to teach you any better or NO mirror in your house… Go get some new friends, a mirror and invest $10 at Super Cuts!!! 

OK… Sarah B… typically doesn’t single out a gender.. but WTF… it fit and was fun…  I will get the women next time around, but they are sooo whiny I just couldn’t deal with them today… if you feel you have been male bashed…then I accomplished my goal for the day …. so shut up “Pansy Ass”!!!

Ciao Bella…  Sarah B… feeling a wee bit bitchy today…

Sarah is NO Pansy Ass!

The Bitch Crew