Happy Birthday To Me… Happy Birthday To Me???


Joy oh Joy… the joyous gifts that we as women are given on our birthdays…  You know what birthday I mean, correct, the one that start the next cycle of our lives… oh what a fun journey this next cycle will be… Humph!!!

I guess using the term, gift and cycle in the same paragraph is miss leading, on this birthday, my cycle decided to give me a little more than normal, it decided to hang around awhile, hmmm, I muttered to myself… well that is odd, haven’t had this issue before, in the back of my mind, I was in denial as to what this could potentially mean, perhaps, I am just having an odd month, you know, lots of stress, maybe not enough exercise or better yet, I decided it was from not enough sex… determining this to be the case, I made mental note to attack my other half upon the moment he entered the door when he came home…  that would fix this extra birthday gift and make it go away…

After repeatedly using this approach, one evening, while dozing, I began to notice that the room had become extremely…shall we say… a freaking blazing inferno….oh my freaking god… Please get this sea of blankets off of me know… I struggle to get my leg out of the blanket all while managing to piss off our cat at the foot of the bed, begrudgingly, he spat at me, showing me his annoyance and he moved over to my husbands side of the bed, what the hell…  did we leave the heat on ultra high before going to bed earlier, I struggled to remember, no, I know we didn’t, wow…one let out is not going to do the trick, I wondered what I was thinking when I wore a tee shirt and sleeping bottoms, they were now stuck to me, a bit damp I was… second leg out… what is that trickling between my breast is that water???  Did the cat piss on me because I woke him up… now struggling to fully waken myself, I see the fur ball snuggled close to my husband, he has not pissed on me, why am I wet???  Crap… I am freaking burning up, my hair is damp… I toss all the covers fully off of me, throwing them onto my husband, I am sure I have fever and to have one this high, I must be close to death… surely there is no other reason to be this warm…  do I have food poisoning???  Why am I sweating…   crap… I began to realize I am cold… damn, give me those covers back and I want them now… I grab them off my husband and take a few of his at the same time… I prepare myself for a bad case of the flue tomorrow morning, because I know to have this type of fever, means that I will be hugging the porcelain bowl and not want to be far from it, I am sure of this…  I doze and go back to a sound sleep, when I wake, I am fine, other than when I went to bed, I had straight hair and in my rage of sweat, I must have gotten my hair wet and it is now curly and fuzzy… nice, what a beauty I am as I look in the mirror…  funny though I don’t feel sick…

It was 3 nights later, I repeated this pattern and after a few more weeks of the on and off switch with my body’s thermostat, I began to self diagnose, because somewhere in the back of my mind…  a little voice was saying… you know, that was a very significant number you just hit on your birthday… right???

About 2 months later as I was at work, I was talking to a co worker, while sitting at my desk, I began to notice that I was starting to get hot, the hair on the back of my neck felt like a heavy wool coat!!!  I looked at my co worker as I began to feel like perspiration on my upper lip… I asked him the only thing I could think of… is it HOT in here…. Or it is just me???  He looks at me and says nope, it is actually a bit cool in here today… Damn… I was so afraid that is what he would say…  shall we say going forward, for the next 2 months, I learned to dress in layers in the dead of winter and a pony tail became my hair style of choice, I began to understand why so many women as they got older chose short  hair…   I began to wonder if maybe, just maybe I could possibly, you know.. Me entering.. that M stage of my life…  This would require research…

With Google as a girl’s best friend and my husband asleep, I crept to our home office and plugged in the M word in search bar… I read all about it, when it starts, what the symptoms were.. fuck.. I had almost all of them… denial has been my friend, years of taking care of my body, eating healthy, exercising… and it has betrayed me… damn body, in my mind that meant I could betray it back… I lay in bed, partially covered prepared for the heat wave, one leg out, our cat had learned it was safer to sleep next to my husband than potentially risk being kicked awake every few nights… I decided I would sleep on it…

In the morning, I went to the health food store and bought all the natural remedies I could find… after 3 weeks, I realized I had just simply donated hard earned money and still continued to dress in layers and had now resorted to 2 fans on the side of my bed… it became all too clear… it was time to see a DR… it had been a few years, kids were grown.. life was full, so hadn’t taken the time to visit the lay down and spread em doctor…

When I called to make an appointment, I found she had moved to a new state… they said they would set me up with a new DR, a male doctor… I said no thank you, I didn’t want to explain this man… how would he understand…  So, I did the next best thing.. I went to my girlfriend, who was a few years older than myself…  I met her for wine and we talked and I explained the past several months’ events and she was all to sympathetic, letting me know that her time has started a few years ago.. she had opted for the natural way though and could not refer me to a doctor… was she fucking nuts… who would opt for natural when after I realized my natural approach didn’t work, I had crept back to the office one night and with google as my friend and no longer in denial, I searched.. .menopause and how the fuck to make the symptoms go away…

She offered to ask several of her girlfriends for a referral for me… I thanked her and we finished our girls catch up time and wine and we headed our separate ways for the evening… As I got to the work the next morning, I turned on my computer and went to check my email and true to form, my friend had sent out an email that read…  My first and last name has started having hot flashes and is looking for a gynecologist can anyone refer her to one… now everyone knew… I didn’t know to say… so I closed my email… put my hair in a ponytail, removed my first layer… and went to work.. at lunch I opened back up my email and there we numerous emails from friends of our age group that had replied with referrals and shared stories of misery that made me laugh… seems I was not alone in this and that I had entered a new cycle of my life with this birthday that brought me to a new sisterhood, an odd way to bond, but a nice way to start a new chapter… next week, I shall meet my new DR that is referred by many of the women on the email chain and if this DR knows what is good for her and she wants to leave the office in one piece, I will leave her office with a prescription to make me go back to normal…  Happy Birthday to me…

Ciao Bella… a Pissed Off Sarah…

Servicing The Customer…


Customer service or servicing the customer… what is the difference…. Well for starters, the customer is the reason why we get up, get our asses dressed and down some caffeine and aspirin all at the same time, look in the mirror… throw some paint on or comb the hair over the spot that seems to be growing on top and say to ourselves… It’s show time folks… with that over eager look of hope…

Upon starting your day and by your third customer, you begin to realize that you can give all the customer service you want… but it is apparent that the customers want more, they want you to give them customer service and pay them for you give it to them… in addition, perhaps you can shine their shoes, carry their purse while they shop, hell, they will just give you the list of what they want, ask you to pour them a drink of top shelf adult beverage, request you pay the tab for the drink and do their shopping while they put their feet up and rest a bit…

When all is done, they will write a scathing complaint letter to your boss about how you didn’t look them in the eye, didn’t smile quite enough times and offended them because the drink you bought for them, wasn’t as strong as they felt it should have been… or my favorite, too strong and they got a ticket driving home and expect you to pay…

Today, we are taught to give good customer service, but we as customers have forgot how to be good customers, with stores fighting for our market share we have become arrogant and rude, intolerant to the person who is attempting to help you while at the checkout counter, or answer your questions at customer service… we as customers, have become spoiled children like Violet Beauregarde in Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory who wants it all now and doesn’t care who she yells at to get it… this is us… this is today’s customer…

When you shop today… who will you be… today’s customer or …

Ciao… Sarah B

 

Interesting Quotes And Their True Meanings…


Aspire to be Barbie – the bitch has everything…  Sarah says… boy does that bitch really does have everything, come on sister.. she’s got a play house, a Barbie mobile and best of all  a Ken dude that is made of plastic and hard, that she controls… and wow… I guess she does have everything, except batteries to keep Ken going…

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always…  Sarah says… Oh Baby cakes… Really, you didn’t know her first name was Ms.. not Miss Always… cuz now your ass is married and that makes your first name… Yes Dear…

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell…  Sarah say… Uh, really?  Do you think… what was your first clue???  Your day at the office???

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company…  Sarah says… well where do you wanna be… in the sunshine with you know… those types… or in the heat with your friends, sipping cocktails by the pool…watching the pool boy… who you know… screwed up too and ended up here servicing you… tough choice… but I a prone to the heat…

Why should we take advice on sex from the Pope?  If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!  Sarah says…  well she doesn’t want to step on toes… but come on… does it get any clearer that statement… and who is the Pope and exactly what does he does for a living… not quite sure on that and why has he never had sex???

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me…  Sarah says… LOL.. the true definition of religion… better to ask for forgiveness than permission…

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.  Sarah says… And your point??

He is a self-made man and worships his creator…  Sarah says.. Hey dude.. why does it need to be all about man and his creator… you self righteous bastard… don’t you know we made you… or I guess the correct term is own you…

When life gets you down – just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.  Sarah says… put em on sister, you lame whiny ass bitches are giving the rest of us a bad name, so shut, buck up and do the job like the rest of us…

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.   Did Sarah here the words I do in this statement???

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants… Sarah says, Italian food is the best she has ever had… yum yum…

The National Rifle Association says, ‘Guns don’t kill people. People do’. But I think the gun helps.  Sarah says… no comment because common sense and not politics tells you this is a true statement and leave it at that…  because one thing Sarah has learned… is common sense really doesn’t matter…

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.   Sarah says… WTF… have you been listening to my phone calls lately???

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.  Sarah says… What???

Today is the last day of some of your life.   Sarah says… Wow… Really, that is the best you can come up with… dumb ass…

Ciao Bella… bite me… Sarah…

Marvin…what are you thinking…


You know sometimes we have to wonder about Mr. Marvin…  Marvin sent over some ideas about all his wisdom’s, because he thinks he is all that and more… so SarahsViews decided to do a piece about it Marvin, calling it… Marvin’s wisdom’s with a Sarah Bite…  Please enjoy and if you have some wisdom to throw this direction, send em on over baby…  Here we go…

Marvin Says… Nothing sucks more than the moment during an argument when you realize you are wrong…   Sarah Says… WTF… You clearly haven’t picked the right topic.. Never argue about something until you know you got your own back and ass covered!  And you are NEVER wrong… haven’t you learned anything from reading Sarah…

Marvin Says…There is a GREAT need for a “sarcasm” font…  Sarah Say…  You think????  They call that Caps ON… Caps Off… Ever really use your crackberry closely or your laptop, or are you one of those who still type on all Caps???

Marvin Says… How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said???  Sarah Says…  You are just way to freaking nice… What???  WTF did you just say…. is more likely what would come flying out Sarah’s mouth …loudly!!!

Marvin Says…  Map Quest really needs to start their directions at #5…  I am pretty sure I know how to get out of my own freaking neighborhood…  Sarah Says… Map Quest is assuming that you had a wild night out, you drank some shots, you table danced and showed all the gals and fellas your hairy ass chest… before falling into your car and following someone you may or may not know home ( fuck, Marvin.. I really hope it was at least a Gal, Oh Marvin )…  Waking up in a strange bed… not knowing where you are…  seeing some hair peak out of the sheets next to you… clearly you are to afraid to lift them up to see who / what is under them… quietly picking up your own clothes, sneaking out the front door… turning on your Crack Berry and looking at the address on the house and street sign and Map Questing your drunk ass home to “SHOWER” and have some coffee…  So, Please… don’t blame map quest for your wild nights!  It can’t read your dumb ass mind…

Marvin Says…Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died…  Sarah Says…  Marvin, Marvin, Oh Marvin… Please get a life!!!  Do you really have so much extra time on your hands that you are reading the obituaries or are you on the hunt for a new gal and checking out the old dudes that clicked off so you can scope out a “sugar mama”…. HMMM…actually, that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea… Maybe, Sarah will start reading them too…

Marvin Says… I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower and THEN turn on the water…  Sarah Says…  This explains the true meaning of an “Innie”… Whew!!!  No wonder sex in the shower doesn’t really work all that well…

Marvin Says…It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood….  Sarah Says… You think???  WTF… But then, all those “anti” signs carriers hanging around out front would have to then change their signs and slogans and then… you know… it would upset the whole balance of being told you can or can not do something and well… We all know that it just won’t work… So let’s not fuck with what is already a fun topic to fuck with… cuz… then if we keep fucking …well… then you know; there will be this whole trip to Unplanned… and on and on… so, Sarah Says… let’s leave this whole topic alone…  No one will win this one…

Marvin Says…Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what to do with it… Sarah Says… UH… Uh… you are kidding right???   Go ask a 15 year old, give them a computer and let them go at it… they will educate your old ass and you are showing your age Sweetie…

Marvin Says…I hate it when I “just” miss a call on the last ring…. but when I immediately call back, it rings.. 9 times and then goes to voicemail… What do you after I don’t answer???  Drop the phone and run away???  Sarah Says….NO, Dumb Ass!!!  They are teaching you a lesson… You won’t answer their call…So, they are on to the next one who will pick up, cuz they are hungry, horny, she wants some wine and a really good time… So, Marvin.. you just got screwed outta getting screwed by being way to  slow on the pick up… Honey, you gotta step it up to “get it up” baby…  Meow…

Ciao Bella… Sarah B…

WTF… The Zen of Saracasm.. Let Me Put A Spin On It!


Get Over Your Lame Ass

So…. recently some dumb ass sent me this email called “The Zen of Saracasm” …  Ok…so has this idiot NOT read any of Sarahs Blogs???  I mean… I may not always be “happy happy joy joy” but on the sarcasm level… I feel as though I can hold my own..  So, let’s see what the “Ball Brothers” felt the need to forward on and what I think the true response is… but for the record… I am waiting for Marvin to come back and play… I hope we didn’t scare his cracker ass off… Oh well…

Mr. BS..( this is what we shall call him, cuz he is full of shit!!! ) says…  If nobody cares you are alive… try missing a few car payments…  Sarah thinks that since Mr. BS has brought up this topic… He is about to have his car repossessed and has quit answering his phone…  If Mr.BS were smart…he would never apply for credit with “actual” addresses he uses…dumb ass.. they find you that way… you are an idiot… you deserve to lose your car!

Mr.BS says… Give a man a fish and he will eat all day…  Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day…  Sarah says…. 2 things… First…  Fish…smell’s fishy… and he should recommend his woman take a shower… Ooh… second….he sits in a boat and drinks all day???  Well…. who the fuck cares….  he clearly serves no real purpose….let him be and move on…  He doesn’t want to work and your stupid ass taught him how to fish.. so shut the fuck up and get over it!

Mr.BS says… If you lend someone $20 and never see them again… It was a pretty wise investment…  Sarah says…. You think???  In fact I bet you gave that $20 to a family member… cuz I have always heard if you need a good screw… go to family…. In fact, I have an Aunt… I have dubbed $20!  So quit your bitching, we are tired of your whining… you gave the $20! 

Dumb Ass Mr. BS says… ( this is exceptionally classic!)…. Some days you are the Bug and sometimes you are the windshield… Sarah says… you know idiot… you can’t see a fucking car coming toward you… then you deserve to be a bug… You know what that is called???  Thinning out the herd!!  And sunshine… you have just been thinned!  Ahhh… I can feel the ZEN arriving now…. yes… more air…

Oh, Mr. Bright BS says… There are two theories to arguing with a women.  Neither one will work…  Sarah says… been that long since you were laid???  Try agreeing with her and she will put out… argue with her as you continue to do… and you will keep those BB’s!

Wow….this one is good… I think… Mr. BS says… NEVER under any circumstances… take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night before going to bed…  Sarah says… hey dumb ass.. if you can’t tell you are about to have a special moment… then a sleeping pill won’t matter… you have just been fortunate enough to be awake during those times…  We know you drink and all that special shit… so quit blaming your age on your “special issues”….. ever heard the term TMI… wait… you are old… that means… slowly… ” Too Much Information”…. keep your crap to yourself!  We aren’t interested baby cakes..

OK…. This one is a stretch… Mr.. BS says… Generally speaking… you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving…  Sarah says… LOOK dumb ass… do you want a BJ or do you want to talk… make up your mind… OH..wait…  do we need some “blue” pills or would you prefer to hang out with Sarah B and have a glass of wine and think about me shutting the fuck up…

Sarah says… where is Marvin….  Mr.. BS needs to get better at this!!

Ciao Bella… Your “talking.. not blowing” Sarah B….

 The Bitch Crew